Friday, December 21, 2012

An Early Christmas Present

Back in September my brother & I received the following email from my little sister, a sophomore in college:

SUBJECT: Very early Christmas present

I'm only asking this early because it's kind of a necessity...

Would you guys want to get me a fake ID for Christmas? A lot of people I know order them online but they can be kind of expensive, like $100-$150. I can't find any Asian that can give me their ID.

As an older brother this immediately struck me as a teaching opportunity. My response:

No. I am not giving you a fake ID for Christmas. It is not a "necessity." I, as well as millions of others, have had immense amounts of underage fun at school without a fake ID.

Why do you need a fake ID? For bars, to buy alcohol? Why do you need to go to bars as a sophomore? You can go to tons of bars the rest of your life. Enjoy house parties. You should be able to get alcohol from anyone. Other people have fakes & can buy you stuff.

If you want one, find it on your own -- like I did. And the reason you cannot find any Asian to give you their ID is because you're too white-washed. Go find some Asian friends to mix up your crowd a bit.

Obtaining a fake ID is part of your growth as a person. Figure it out.

As you can see, as an older brother this also immediately struck me as an opportunity to be a condescending jerk. (Hence, why I'm now blogging about this.)

It's pretty funny & refreshing to have a younger sister who's experiencing college exactly 10 years after I did. Things just never change.

My first fake ID was secured from a gentleman in the Theta Chi fraternity. He made Ohio licenses. I was from Cleveland. I got my ID during the second semester of my freshman year. Three other friends & I all got Ohio IDs because we were going on a road trip to New Orleans for spring break. (Oh, spring break. Haven't had one of those in over 7 years.) Surprisingly, the ID in 2002 also cost $100. It's good to know that inflation hasn't affected the fake ID market.

The Ohio ID was of immense value to my friends & I back home in Rochester, MI. I used it to procure a lot of kegs from Harry's, a shady liquor store in Pontiac. They never questioned why an Ohioan was buying alcohol in Pontiac all summer long. They probably thought I was a student at Oakland University.

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. That ID was taken away from me at Scorekeepers during my sophomore year. I was pretty angry at how I lost it. Everyone knows Skeeps is the underage bar of choice in Ann Arbor. Just show up around 9pm before the cops are at the door with basically a library card, and they'd let you in. I went with Roommate #2, who had the exact same fake, but with his own picture and different address & age info. He was in line directly in front of me, and he was allowed in. I then showed my ID, and they told me it was a fake & confiscated it. Such a deflating moment. Bastards!

My second fake ID was actually a real Michigan driver's license I borrowed from a former roommate, also a gentleman of the Theta Chi fraternity. He is Colombian, and since people thought I looked Mexican, I figured it would work. At the time, I thought we looked very similar. He is Colombian, I am Filipino. He had regular-length hair, I buzzed my hair. His eyes were much rounder than mine. We actually looked nothing alike. In retrospect, it's amazing to think about the bullshit you talk yourself into.

I used this during my summer internship with the HGOC in Los Angeles in 2004. Surprisingly, this ID worked like magic at the local convenience store. No questions asked. We had a steady supply of beer at the Good Nite Inn in Calabasas all summer long. (Yes. We stayed at a motel all summer because it was right across the street from work and just a few blocks from our gym. Plus, we got our rooms cleaned every day.)

I never tried that Michigan license at a bar because HGOC didn't have a fake. No point in risking confiscation for a solo trip to the bar. I returned that ID to my friend when I arrived back in Ann Arbor that August. I was turning 21 during Welcome Week and no longer had a need for my Colombian identity.

From that point on, it was the real Dirty Burrito buying alcohol. It was nice & easy, but it just wasn't the same.