Tuesday, February 17, 2009

PC Load Letter

"PC load letter. What the f&ck does that mean?!"

I hate when I'm at the copy machine, I've sent my stack through the paper feed (face up originals) and then I hear it. The Noise. I'm sure you're familiar with that noise. The one that doesn't sound normal. It's slightly off. You know something isn't quite right the moment you hear it.

At that instant my stomach drops, and I'm overcome by a feeling of exasperation because I know I'm going to have to fix the paper jam. I'll end up wasting a couple of minutes attempting to follow those horrendous system prompts.

Open front cover, flip B1, lift C3, turn A2, remove paper, close front cover, open side cover... Open side cover?! I just removed the sheet of paper. Why do I have to do this again?!

Once I hear that noise, part of me wants to grab my stack of paper, bolt to another copy machine and let the next person deal with it. If my work day were being filmed for a reality show, "Should I Stay or Should I Go" by The Clash would be playing as the camera slowly zooms in on my beautiful, angelic face as I contemplate whether to run. It's quite a horrid predicament.

This classic clip from Office Space captures my frustration with office technology.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Love Song

This video was first posted in December, and it remains one of my favorites. At first, I thought it was just another YouTube clown with a guitar. But after repeatedly watching the video and actually listening to the lyrics, I found it to be a quite moving song about selflessness and love.

But who am I kidding? I LOVE Mario Kart 64! I am unbeatable in race mode. I'm like Federer before Nadal, and my only competition is a bunch of Roddicks.

To all of you love birds and Mario Kart 64 fanatics, Happy Valentine's Day.

Monday, February 09, 2009

I Speak Engrish

I was standing outside of Madison Square Garden last night with my Chinese friend, Brando. We were waiting for someone before we headed inside to watch the Westminster Dog Show when a bum came up to us and said, "Excuse me. Excuse me. Do you guys speak English?"

We just looked at each other and wanted to bust out in hysterical laughter. Instead we let this man finish his sales pitch, which had something to do with being just a few dollars short of a bus ticket to see a relative in a distant land. I can't really recall the exact story because I was stuck on the fact that this street dweller had just asked us if we spoke English.

The main question weighing on my mind was weather he thought I was also Asian or Mexican. Though the situation was ridiculously funny, he at least asked if we spoke English. That was very polite. Usually people will just start speaking Spanish to me.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Another 12.5 Dirty Facts

.5) This applies to food and women.

14) I enjoy watching people play video games more than playing them. I remember lying in my bed and watching my dad play Wolfenstein 3-D for hours on the weekends. I'd be as excited as him whenever he found a new secret passage or killed a boss enemy. During the Christmas break when Grand Theft Auto: Vice City was released, I remember spending most of it in the basement of the Hottest Guy on Campus watching him plow through the game. When he was driving a car, I'd always make him tune to the station that played "Africa" by Toto.

15) "Africa" must be played at my wedding.

16) I had a ping pong table when I was a kid. I used to fold up half the table and hit against it for long periods of time. And yes, I did have friends. They were all white, and none of them could beat me.

17) I have no issues with the word “moist,” and I’ll seize any opportunity to insert “just the tip” into conversation.

18) I always wished I had been a gymnast. Pommel horse and rings look so awesome.

19) I hated playing soccer for my high school. When I tore two ligaments in my knee at the beginning of my sophomore year, I was actually relieved. As I was being carried off the field and as the initial excruciating pain was wearing off, I felt a brief, yet sick sense of happiness, and I actually smiled because I suddenly realized I wouldn't have to play anymore. That is truly loathing something.

20) I don't freak out when I see celebrities. In fact, I sometimes don't even notice they're around. However, if I'm lucky enough to hop in the Cash Cab one day, I'll lose my mind the moment the ceiling lights up and Ben Bailey faces me to reveal his identity. I don't even care if I win anything.

21) I love shopping, particularly for shoes and bags. I know what you're thinking. Screw you! It’s OK for guys to like shoes and bags.

22) If I won the lottery, the first thing I’d do is purchase the loft Tom Hanks had in Big. I’d decorate it exactly like in the movie, and then I’d hire a DJ and throw a party for my friends. I'd also get one of those giant floor keyboards so people could play “Chopsticks” together.

23) I moved to Michigan in the winter of 1988. My only exposure to Americans was people bundled up in layers of clothing. When the weather started getting warmer, I wasn’t sure that people in the states wore shorts. I repeatedly asked my mother whether Americans wore shorts. I was extremely self-conscious that first summer in the states because I thought I’d be the only person wearing shorts.

24) While working in the Philippines at my uncle's ad agency three years ago, I "starred" in two PSA's, served as a body double for a Filipino action star and was featured in a Coppertone Sport print ad that made honorable mention at the Cannes Lions 2006.

25) One night in high school, my brother, El Burrito Grande, and I watched a full marathon of Road Rules Australia, which aired sometime between the hours of midnight and 6am. This is incredible to me because we don't watch anything together, and we didn't say a single word to each other the entire time.We reacted in laughter, shock and awe at the appropriate moments, and when it was done, we retired to our separate bedrooms without even acknowledging what we had just accomplished.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

12.5 Dirty Facts

1) I have very specific rules for setting my alarm clock. I can't set my alarm clock to times ending in 0's or 5's, meaning 7:30 and 7:35 won't work. I don't like setting consecutive numbers, so I'll never hear an alarm at 6:54 or 4:56. Duplicate numbers aren't allowed either, which excludes 10:31 and 3:53. 6:21...that works. The same policy applies to setting the microwave. However, I usually use the microwave at work to heat up my lunch, and a lot of people can see me. I try to hide the fact that I'm setting my cook time to 1:39 because people will probably think, "WTF?"

2) I purchased No Strings Attached the day it was released. Someone stole it from me, and my girlfriend got me a replacement for my birthday. She was amazing.

3) The first time my dad explained futbol to me, he told me I had to dribble the ball. When he gave me the futbol, the first thing I did was bounce it with my hands. Up until that point, the only sports I could remember ever playing were basketball and badminton.

4) I HATE when people say "bad-mih-tuhn" or "bad-mih-uhn." It's "bad-min-tuhn." And it's a shuttlecock, or even a shuttle. Not a g-damn birdie.

5) Doug was my favorite cartoon. I wanted Porkchop to be my dog. I have “Killer Tofu” and “Shout Your Lungs Out” by The Beets on my iPod.

6) The last three CD's I purchased were Hot Fuss by The Killers, the Green Album by Weezer and the Dashboard Confessional Unplugged CD/DVD.

7) I prefer early- to mid-90's Sportcenter. Keith Olbermann and his tag team partner, Dan Patrick...dare I say, "enfuego"? Steve Levy and Craig Kilborn...Jumanji! Plaaaaays ooooof the WEEK!

8) I currently own ten pairs of adidas sneakers, whether they're for futbol, running or casual wear. I never felt the shoe battle was between Reebok and Nike; I always thought it was adidas vs. Nike. After I finished 8th grade, I consciously pledged my allegiance to adidas and committed to stop wearing Nike shoes. I'll wear other Nike apparel – shorts, socks, etc. – but to this day, I haven't laced up a pair of the shoes.

9) Sometimes I get excited about cool sneakers but eventually find out they're for women, and I become extremely disappointed.

10) I wanted to be on Double Dare, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Guts, Wild & Crazy Kids, Finders Keepers and Make the Grade. However, I was not at all impressed by Nick Arcade. Worst show ever.

11) I hate shorts that go below the knees. I only wear soccer shorts for athletic activities, and my casual shorts rest just above the knee. I never wear cargo pockets.

12) I don't like boxers. I prefer boxer briefs. I'll wear briefs when I'm working out.

.5) Asian, Latin, and then everything else.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Tiddy Bear

I don’t normally watch the Super Bowl because I don’t care about football. My first experiences with the game were in the 90’s, and I recall many of them being blowouts. For a lot of them, I would fall asleep midway through the game and wake up as confetti was falling on the winning team. The game, for the most part, has been fairly unmemorable for me. I don’t remember Norwood’s miss, Elway spinning like a propeller or Brady’s disbelief at winning his first Super Bowl and game MVP. I do remember Leon Lett's fumble. That was hilarious!

Half of the hype for the Super Bowl is related to the commercials. Those were often much more entertaining and were really the only reason I would watch. I still remember some of my favorites: the Budweiser frogs, the Wassup guys, the Pepsi truck and the GoDaddy commercial with Trishelle from Real World Las Vegas. Her appearance was a complete surprise.

This year there were actually a lot of disappointing ads, but there were a handful that amused me. Below are my lists for least-entertaining and most entertaining commercials. You can also watch all of them on Hulu.

Least Entertaining

1) All the automotive commercials. BORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING.

2) NBC commercials. Just because you moved Leno to 10pm, it doesn’t mean he’s going to be funny or less annoying. And I don’t care how many people laugh their asses off, Thursday night comedies haven’t been worth watching since Friends and Seinfeld.

3) Heroes commercials. The football commercial was especially terrible. Hiro Nakamura lost his power to control time and space. Your commercial isn’t even accurate! Volume 4 better be good. This is your last chance.

Most Entertaining

1) Doritos: Crystal Ball

I knew the guy was going to through his snow globe at the machine, but his delivery was outstanding.

2) Cash4Gold.com: Heeere’s Money

MC Hammer and Ed McMahon poking fun at themselves. Amazing. Good thing they’re broke and need the money, otherwise they probably wouldn’t have agreed to shoot the spot.

3) Coke Zero: Mean Troy

How they weaved a remake of a classic Super Bowl commercial with the current Coke Zero campaign was pretty clever.

Honorable Mention

Teleflora: Talking Flowers

“No one wants to see you naked!” I was laughing.

The one thing all of these ads have in common is that they have high production costs. But no matter how much money any of them spent, none of them can ever compare to this gem – the Tiddy Bear.

My co-worker pointed me to it the other night, and I was laughing hysterically. Basically it’s a mini teddy bear you attach to your seatbelt, and it serves as a cushion between the strap and your…ummm…tiddies. I kid you not; I dialed the 800 number.

“Thank you for calling about the Tiddy Bear, the little guy that makes driving fun again.”

And for the New Yorkers who don’t have a car and think the Tiddy Bear isn’t for you, you can use it for your messenger bags.

Aren’t you glad I told you about this just in time for Valentine’s Day?