Monday, December 22, 2008

Last Christmas

My choice for the greatest Christmas song ever is “Last Christmas” by Wham! (Side note: Do I end the sentence with the exclamation point or period? I’ve never had to deal with a punctuation mark being part of a musician’s name.) This song and video are perfect in every way. The ski lodge premise with ugly sweaters and cozy fireplaces, combined with the beautiful voice and lyrics of George Michael make for the perfect Christmas song.

I apologize for the quality of this post. I got really drunk last night, and I’m still somewhat intoxicated. I’m now home in Michigan. I held a high school-themed party last night at my parents’ place. By high school-themed, I mean that the dress code was limited to clothes you wore in high school.

I dressed in a Structure shirt, jeans and t-shirt, and it was topped off by an Old Navy Tech Vest. I also wore my old Doc Martens. In outfits like these, my friends and I proceeded to down copious amounts of Johnny Walker and Smirnoff.

Also, to add to the high school theme, we invited high school girls. Just kidding. My mom collected keys. It was hilarious. She thought our plan was to get absolutely hammered and attempt to drive our cars in the snow-covered roads. Parents are funny.

I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. This is the last Music Monday post of the year. Remember, if you drink over the holiday, make sure you collect keys.

Monday, December 15, 2008

All I Want for Christmas

Song #2 in The Dirty Burrito's Christmas song countdown is "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey.

I love this song for two reasons:
1. It reminds me of Love Actually, the best Christmas movie ever. The scene with Hugh Grant dancing to the Pointer Sisters is priceless.
2. It's vintage Mariah. If MTV had Cribs back in the day, she wouldn't have changed her outfit a dozen times or jumped in her bathtub in her nightie.

Unfortunately, Sony BMG won't let me embed, so I can only give you a link to the YouTube video.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Tongue Action from Annie Wilson

I want to give a shoutout to LF, whose obsession with 90210 led her to find a Facebook photo album owned by Shenae Grimes, who plays awwww shucks Annie Wilson.

Based on her pictures, however, she doesn't seem so innocent. Little Annie Wilson:
- loves flashing peace signs and sticking her tongue out
- maintains a good manicure
- is way more anorexic than I thought
- likes leopard-print bras
- would be totally awesome to party with

Just in case the massive traffic to her Facebook album--obviously due to the vast readership of this blog--forces her to set it to private, I've at least posted the leopard-print bra pic for you.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Curious Case of Brad Pitt's Movie Titles

Why does Brad Pitt always seem to appear in movies where a person's name is involved in the title? Check out this chronological list of his work:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Ocean's Thirteen

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Ocean's Twelve

Ocean's Eleven

Meet Joe Black

Johnny Suede
Thelma & Louise

And that's just for feature films. I'm not even counting his voice work on Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas.

He must be turned on when he sees a script with a name in the title. I assume the twins were conceived the night he read The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Crawford.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Manny Monday

Back in 2006 when I was living in the motherland and working at The Agency, I met Manny Pacquiao, fresh from his victory over Erik Morales, and got my dad the above autographed boxing glove WITH the personal callout. I think that is extremely clutch and indicative of my worth as the first-born. This should really bolster my chances of finally getting him to fulfill my annual Christmas request to pay my January rent. (Please. Rent is only a little over $1100. The glove is priceless.)

Obviously, I'm super happy that Manny destroyed yet another Mexican in the boxing ring last night. However, I need to know one thing - will his official nickname still be "Pacman," or does he prefer "The Mexicutioner?" I personally prefer "Pacman."

Now onto the music. This week marks the beginning of my Christmas song countdown, where I'll give you my three favorite Christmas songs.

I'm not a music critic, so I'm not going to start picking songs because they're incendiery or transcendent. My criteria for including songs on the list are pretty simple. They just have to make me feel happy or warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Number 3 is "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by Alvin & the Chipmunks. I love those little guys. My mother played this song every Christmas and it reminds me of when El Burrito Grande and I were children and actually excited to help put the fake tree together and decorate it. Those were the days...

(Side note: Did anyone ever have the Sesame Street Christmas album? That was another favorite of mine. The Count singing "All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)" is amazing. Though it didn't make it into my top 3, it's still one of the finest Christmas songs of our time.)

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Emergency Services

Yesterday, HR made us fill out benefit enrollment and personal information forms. I came to the part where I had to indicate my emergency contact. After mentally processing my viable options, I settled on my friend Schwalms.

I find her to be quite responsible and should I ever happen to be in an emergency situation at work (e.g., getting speared by the 5-bar during an intense game of foosball*), I know she’ll get the job done. Plus, she’s always holding hands with her boyfriend, who also happens to be a solid and trustworthy individual, so it’s like having two emergency contacts.

Schwalms was very accepting of this immensely important responsibility, and, in an act indicative of why I chose her, she requested the information of my family in case she’d ever have to contact them. I gave her their info and told her to friend them—we are a Facebook family.

This wouldn’t have been much of an event except for the posting my mother wrote on her wall. To give you context, here is the message that Schwalms sent to my mother as part of her friend request:

(Note: Real names have been replaced)

"Hello!!! I'm The Dirty Burrito’s friend Schwalms - I'm also his emergency contact at work in case he's hit by a NYC cab driver**. Thought it would be good to have a few Burritos’ contacts under my belt =) Hope you are enjoying the holiday season! Come visit with the fam!"

And here is my mother’s response:

“well hello Schwalms. it's good to know that The Dirty Burrito has an angel watching over him whenever he's wasted, thank you. he's a good kid, he just has too much fun sometimes. i'm glad that he is surrounded by caring friends like you. i hope you have a happy and peaceful holiday. take care.”

Yes, she called me out for being wasted—a resounding endorsement from my mother. It seems like she can’t accept the fact that I like to party. I’ve been like this since high school. She knows I have too much fun, not just sometimes, but all the time. And it’s from her side of the family where I inherited my thirst for a good drink, so she really shouldn’t be too surprised.

* There are two foosball tables at work, and I try to play at least twice a day.
** For those of you who are unaware, I was the victim of a hit-and-run by a NYC cab about two months ago.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Nuts in Your Mouth

Almost two years ago, my friend, Alexander, became Northwestern University’s inaugural Hottest Guy on Campus. In my congratulatory post, I wrote, “Since I’ve known Alexander, I always expected him to achieve something as grand as this.”

I’m proud to say he, along with two of his friends, has accomplished something ALMOST as amazing. In early September, they launched their very own cereal company – [me] & goji.

It’s artisanal cereal, customized by you. You get to choose your unique mixture from a selection of over 40 organic ingredients, and they’ll ship it to you in a sealed, attractive cylindrical cereal capsule. The process is pretty simple:

1) Choose a base ingredient (e.g., samurai wheat or raw 5-grain muesli)
2) Add a little extra something to enhance your base (e.g., choco granola or oat bran)
3) Pick some fruit (e.g., goji or currants)
4) Top it off with some nuts or seeds (e.g., almonds or chia)
5) Name your cereal

I just finished my first capsule. I selected granola enhanced with golden granola, toasted coconut and almonds. I called it “Nuts in Your Mouth.”

It was delicious. They don’t mess around with the ingredients. I could smell the coconut and knew it wasn’t processed; it definitely smelled fresh. I’m from an island, I know these things.

Visit the website, and order some cereal. Seriously, you probably went back home for Thanksgiving, got hammered with your old elementary and high school friends on Wednesday night, feasted on Thursday and devoured leftovers the rest of the weekend.
You’ll need something healthy after that gluttony. Or since it’s the Christmas season, order some capsules as presents. Giving is better than receiving.

Also, [me] & goji has already been featured in Uncrate, Daily Candy, Thrillist and Hungry Girl. You need to show the HGOC and his friends that The Dirty Burrito provides a comparable, if not better, bump in sales. Actually, I’m just hoping they’ll be thankful for the mention and send me a free capsule.