Monday, June 30, 2008

The Good Ol' Days

For the 2nd installment of Music Monday, I’m taking you back to a time when gasoline was $1 per gallon, Tupac was still alive (for most of the year anyway), O.J. was on trial and Adam Sandler & Mike Myers still made funny movies. The year was 1996 and the song is “My Boo” by Ghost Town DJ’s.

I thought it was the perfect video to start your countdown to the 4th of July weekend. I know I’ll be calling all my beautiful babies on my Motorola analog flip phone so we can all get together to hang by the pool and play a beach volleyball game officiated by Jermaine Dupri. And to top things off, we’ll have a swimsuit dance party, just like in the summer editions of The Grind.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Holla Back Wodie

According to the Wall Street Journal, Chinese South Africans are being reclassified as “black.”

This should be an enormous boost to the Asian community, which has been suffering ever since Sam’s Club put a ceiling on rice purchases. The most affected demographic groups appear to be teens through young adults, who should finally feel vindicated for all those years of speaking and pretending like they were black.

Another big winner is the black community, which has been reeling ever since Status Quo ignominiously got served by JabbaWockeeZ on the last season of America’s Best Dance Crew. With this reclassification, there’s no need to argue about whether Asians or blacks are the best dancers—everyone wins. (Except white people. If there is one thing we agreed upon before the reclassification, it's that white folks can't dance.)

(Shoutout to the Asian Sensation for alerting me to the story. And just in case you were wondering, I have some Chinese in me. Holla!)

Monday, June 23, 2008

Music Monday

The Dirty Burrito is bringing you a new recurring segment called “Music Monday.” Basically, I post a new music video every Monday to help kick start your week. Just a warning—most of the videos will probably be from the 1980s. I’ll definitely try to mix it up, but my heart belongs to keytars, big hair & mullets and A Flock of Seagulls.

The first video comes from one of my favorite bands and is easily among my top 5 favorite songs. Not only is the song phenomenal, but it has a video to match. The footage of ATVs and dirt bikes make it seem like a cross between an old Juicy Fruit commercial and a cheesy background video for karaoke. The Ray Charles look-a-likes performing the funky Milli Vanilli-esque dance don’t hurt either.

Here is “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Fine. I’ll Ask Her. You Want Me To Ask Her? Ma’am…Where Do All the High School Girls Hang Out Around Here?

When I decided to check out the link “Pregnancy Boom at Gloucester High” on CNN, I didn’t know I was about to read the most ridiculous opening paragraph in journalistic history.

There are 17 girls from Gloucester High School who are expecting children. Fine. Maybe they’re just a bunch of sloots over in Gloucester, MA. But nope. Apparently, the girls made a pact to get pregnant and raise their children together.

Let that settle for a second. High school girls are making pacts to get pregnant and raise children together. What ever happened to making pacts to get laid on prom night...without getting pregnant?

So I thought that was surreal, but then I read the following quote two sentences later: “We found out one of the fathers is a 24-year-old homeless guy," the principal says, shaking his head.

I’m also shaking my head. That’s all I can do.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

The Dirty Egg Roll

The continuing Asia-fication of The Dirty Burrito took big steps yesterday. I wore my Feiyue wushu shoes for the first time. For those of you not well-versed in Eastern culture, they are kung fu shoes. They were first developed in Shanghai in the 1920s and are popular (apparently the #1 choice) among Shaolin monks and masters. I just thought they looked cool, and it didn’t hurt that they only cost $15.

Coincidentally, my dragon boat paddle and paddle bag were delivered to me at work today, so I got to walk home in my kung fu shoes carrying this black paddle bag (with Chinese characters on the strap) across my back. And that’s not all. I also had my man bag and a Trader Joe’s grocery bag.

I did get a few curious looks, but I wasn’t surprised. If you saw what appeared to be a Mexican wearing pristine, white Jack Purcell knockoffs carrying not only a black Asian case that looked like it may potentially hold a sword, but a Trader Joe’s grocery bag and a man bag, I’d be pretty confused too.

In any case, I did feel pretty powerful with the paddle bag. Actually, I was just pretending-slash-WISHING it was a sword. I bet it would be awesome to carry a sword with you at all times, just like the samurai. I wonder if I can train and get licensed for that in The Americas. People can get licensed to carry guns, why not swords? (They let Tom Cruise use one!!!) My weapon would be in plain view—it’s not like I could conceal a samurai sword. Plus, I’d only use the sword to protect my fellow (East) villagers in the face of danger.

Friday, June 13, 2008

So Euro

The Italian wine bar next door to my apartment opened early today so all the neighborhood paisans could gather and watch their country salvage their hopes in Euro 2008. I was not at all surprised by this. In fact, I'm very happy this happened. I think you should have a place to gather with your countrymen and root for your team, especially when you're Italian and the only other option would have been Olive Garden ("When you're here, you're family!").

What was shocking to me was the collection of four Vespas parked by the curb outside of the wine bar. I've never seen so many Vespas in one spot in NYC before. It's so Euro.

In other Euro 2008 news, France play the Netherlands in the afternoon's second game. The Dirty Burrito will be rocking the French jersey and supporting those baguette-eating frogs.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Hulkamania: Hollywood Hogans

I just want to quickly summarize the trials and tribulations of the Hogan clan:

- Nick is in jail for being a dumbass and seems to be without remorse
- Linda, who is 48, is dating a 19-year-old
- Linda wants Hulk jailed because of a financial dispute over a Las Vegas condo
- Hulk is dating a woman who looks exactly like his daughter, Brooke
- Hulk likes to rub tanning oil on his daughter's ass and her inner thighs
- Brooke thinks she can have a music career

I apologize for all the links. I just want to give due props to CNN & WWTDD, who have been giving me up-to-the-minute news on the Hogan family.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Runnin' on Dub Deuces

I finally rocked & ran my 5K for the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center this past Sunday. The weather conditions were fantastic. It was sunny, in the mid-80s and breezy because the course was right along the Hudson River.

I was somewhat shaky at the start because of the giant swarm of runners getting in the way of one another. I was also very unsure of my pace. I had been practicing on a treadmill and a track, so I had no way of knowing whether I was running at the right speed. Luckily, the Lord sent an angel to guide me.

I was running at a terrible pace for the first 500 meters. I kept changing my speed—I couldn’t decide if I was going too fast or too slow, and I felt a stomach cramp creeping up on me. But then this amazing girl in a purple tank top and hot pants stormed right by me. She looked like she was running at the pace I wanted, and she was wearing official running gear…she also happened to have a magnificent booty and legs. I decided she’d be a great pacer.

I ended up really pushing myself because of her. She started pulling away after 2500 meters, but I never let her go more than 50 meters ahead of me. When I was about 1000 meters from the finish, I had enough left in me for a great last kick. I was able really pick up the pace to pass her and finish the race in 22:22.

Overall, the race was a success. Being true to my Asian roots, I overachieved. I destroyed my goal of a 24 minute 5K, and I also surpassed my $500 fundraising target. It was a fun and exciting event. I definitely recommend that everyone participate in at least one road race. It’s a fantastic experience. In any case, thanks again to everyone for the support!

(On another note—if you turn off SafeSearch, you'll be absolutely amazed by how much porn shows up when you perform a Google image search for "asian runner." It easily returned more porn than my image search for "hot pants." It was strangely surprising.)

Friday, June 06, 2008

A Wiikend of Sport

The upcoming weekend is full of promise for sports fans. Here is a list of what’s on tap:

Rafael Nadal attempts to tie Bjorn Borg’s record of 4 consecutive French Open titles
Big Brown goes for the first Triple Crown in 30 years
Euro 2008 kicks off
Celtics-Lakers: Game 2
The Dirty Burrito is rocking & running in a 5K*
The Dirty Burrito vies for his first Wiimbledon championship

You read that correctly. I will be competing in the 2nd annual Wiimbledon Wii tennis tournament for a chance to win “games from 2K Sports, a rad golden trophy, Wii Bowling Bags, and possibly some gear from Prince Tennis if those yahoos get their act together.”

For those who want to witness my glorious victory (or ignominious defeat), the tournament starts at 10am this Saturday at Barcade in Brooklyn. There will be an open bar, courtesy of Brooklyn Brewery, sometime in the afternoon. Shoot me a text and I’ll let you know if I’m still dominating or if I’ve been run out of the establishment, and I’ll give you an update on the free beer. If you do show up, I’ll either be wearing all white with a blue headband and blue wristbands, or my bumblebee costume (not sure if the blue sweatbands go with the yellow & black—it’ll be a game-time decision).

If you’re interested in how the tournament goes down or just bored at work because of a New York summer Friday, you can check out the rules and last year’s photos.

*As a reminder, I'll be running in the Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center's Rock & Run on the River this Sunday. You can visit my personal page if you would like to make a donation. Thanks in advance!

Monday, June 02, 2008

R. Kelly Wants to Wax It

As the debate ranges on about whether R. Kelly loves underage girls, there is something that is cut & dry—his wasted potential.

Growing up in the early to mid-90's, I loved watching MTV Jams. I was totally uncool, still adapting to life in The Americas, and part of my acclimation process was having Bill Bellamy (and if I was really lucky—Idalis) update me on what MTV thought was hot in the world of hip hop and R&B.

It was on MTV Jams that I was first exposed (no pun intended) to R. Kelly. The two songs that made me a fan were “You Remind Me of Something” and “Down Low.” The former was a decent song, but “Down Low” was transcendent. And I was in love with Garcelle Beauvais.

With “Down Low,” R. Kelly gave us a song for the ages. It had a timeless theme, was deeply soulful and exposed a whole new generation to the magic of the Isley Brothers—a trifecta of success. The song showed us R. Kelly’s potential.

Though catchy, “You Remind Me of Something” seemed like R. Kelly was having a contest with himself to see how may ridiculous ways he could metaphorically say he wants to have sex with a girl—presumably underage. Take this line: “Girl you look just like my cars. I wanna wax it.”

First of all, that’s just improper grammar. It should be “I wanna wax them,” or “cars” should become singular. Secondly, waxing? Really? I could see how "pump" or "ride" could be metaphors for intercourse, but "wax"? I guess in light of his current trial, I could understand why he’d want to wax it. Perhaps the prosecution will use this as evidence?

I'm very disappointed when I think of R. Kelly's wasted potential. Instead of a collection of timeless classics, we get the Trapped in a Closet series and "Feelin' on Yo Booty." With more songs like "Down Low," he could've been our generation's Luther Vandross. Instead, he chose to be R. Kelly.