Wednesday, April 30, 2008

31 Cent Scoops

This is just a friendly reminder that today is 31 Cent Scoop Night at Baskin-Robbins. From 5-10pm, you can get up to ten 2.5 oz. scoops per person, per purchase. So for you losers who suck at math (that would be Sarah's Women's Studies major boyfriend), you can get 25 oz. of ice cream for $3.10 plus tax, where applicable.

The Dirty Burrito recommends Gold Medal Ribbon. Enjoy.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

More Thoughts on The Laguna Hills

My good friend, LOneal, has some additional thoughts on last night's episode of The Hills. Below is an unedited transcript of our conversation.

The Dirty Burrito: you watch the hills last night?
LOneal: Yes
I'm so over them
TDB: holla
LOneal: First off I can't help but watch and think about how fake it is
And second I pissed that Lauren and Steven didn't hook up
TDB: hahaha
me too
about the lauren and stephen thing
LOneal: he's so lame
Why didn't he try and kiss her
or cop a feel

To recap, she is not too happy with the state of fakeness and Stephen having no balls. Also, I used the word "holla."

The Laguna Hills

Last night, the editors were able to recreate every single scene Lauren and Stephen ever had on Laguna Beach. It was extremely reminiscent of the first season. It was spot on, right down to the “what if we were together” talks, the dramatized gazes, the dropping off of Lauren at her house and Stephen driving away in seemingly deep thought.

However, I highly doubt Stephen was thinking about Lauren at all as he drove away. I like to believe he was thinking about how he used to date Hayden Panettiere, and how amazing it was that he actually pulled that off.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Sam's Club Hates Asians

In what figures to be a huge blow to the Asian community, Sam's Club is limiting rice purchases to four 20-lb. bags per customer for jasmine, basmati & long-grain white varieties.

On a related note, non-Asians everywhere will be wondering what the hell they're supposed to do with their soy sauce.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Thoughts on Real World: Hollywood

I haven’t watched a full season of Real World since Seattle. I would estimate that I haven’t watched more than four episodes in any of the subsequent seasons. I actually wrote about this back in September…of 2005. (I can’t believe this blog is almost three years old!)

In any case, I’m going to attempt to watch the Hollywood installment for two reasons.

Reason #1: My Swedish former roommate requested that I blog about it. I originally turned him down for all the reasons I outlined in that old September blog, but…

Reason #2: My older and much more mature Caucasian roommate (he’s turning 28 and that is so old), who doesn’t normally watch such shows and sticks to doing sophisticated & intellectual things such as study for law school, clerk for judges and read the New Yorker, recommended it to me at dinner.

I don’t normally take the advice of two white people, but since one is Swedish and the other is going to make 3 times my salary when he graduates next May, I was willing to give it a shot. Below are my random thoughts from the first episode:

- Joey only eats water, tuna, eggs, protein drinks, fruits & veggies, oatmeal and eggs. He also has very strong Midwest accent. If he doesn’t make it as an actor, he should go on tour with the “My New Haircut” guy. It could become the NY-Chicago Guido tour for the ages.

- Kimberly represents the failing ambitions of America. I wouldn’t trust someone whose grand goal in life is to be an E! News entertainment reporter and thinks she’ll get there because she reads US Weekly & PopSugar religiously. I have a feeling she’ll just end up on the next Gauntlet or Inferno. Also, I can’t take that Southern drawl.

- Dave is so awesome at everything he does—baseball, surfing, street luge, bangin’hoes—you know, the usual.

- Whoa! What innovative music choices! It was very original for them to play songs about California. The fact that the songs all mention the name of the state and the awesome weather really made me feel like I was there. The only things that were missing were songs with references to the 405 or the 101. That would’ve allowed me to visualize myself driving by the sun-soaked ocean under a clear blue sky and really would’ve completed my experience.

- Sarah is a huge overachiever. She is your typical wide-eyed recent college graduate with positive views of the actual real world. I’m totally attracted to her. The Dirty Burrito has a great appreciation for dark-haired females. The minor in Women’s Studies scares me a bit, but I’m thinking she just took it to pad her overachieving résumé. Her boyfriend—all I have to say about him is that I don’t take threats seriously from any guy that majored in Women’s Studies. If he had majored in Economics like me, I might be wowed with his mastery of interest rates and trade deficits. Unfortunately, I’m going to have to say he’s just deadweight loss. (Econ joke! LOL!)

- Will pronounces Deeetroit like a true Detroiter. He’s definitely legit though. The only thing more real than a black guy breakdancing is an Asian guy breakdancing. I’m glad he broke down what producing music actually entails. Most people just say they produce and have no idea what that means, so you they’re faking. I think Will has a decent shot of being successful. He even understands the concept of working your way up from the bottom.

- Bri definitely fits the typical stripper MO—abusive boyfriend, fiery temper & outstanding arrest warrant.

- Joey had a huge orgasm about the gym. He also threw in a nice promotional mention of the Bowflex® Selecttech® dumbbells. It was almost seamless.

- Kimberly: “I don’t know anything about Detroit other than being some inner city scary area.” No comment.

- Greg deserves an award for introducing “Associates” and “Peasants” into our lexicon. If he keeps up his mastery of those words, they could soon join “Dunzo” and “Relationship Vacation” in the MTV Vocabulary Hall of Fame.

- Note to self: Take Will’s advice and tell girls you have a kindergarten crush on them. (I didn’t actually have a kindergarten crush, or even a 1st grade crush. I was too busy acclimating myself with life in The Americas. Life is a bitch without maids and nannies. However, I was able to adapt, and I was good to go by 2nd grade. I definitely had a 2nd grade crush. And yes, she had dark brown hair.)

- Great quote from Sarah the Overachiever: “If there’s sexual tension, it might be the thing that makes it more than just tension.” Profound…

- Will needs to layoff Sarah or else her Women’s Studies boyfriend is going to make good on his lame, awkwardly delivered threat to kick ass. I wonder how many times he practiced that before filming it.

- I’ve finally figure out the mystery of what happened to my “I Heart Soccer Moms t-shirt. .Joey the meathead stole it and desecrated it by removing the sleeves and cutting a slit at the collar. I’ll just add this to my list of reasons why I don’t like Chicago.

- “I am Greg, and I am Perfection. I am not affected by these Peasants.” I beg to differ. He had to call his mommy because the Peasants were talking behind his back.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Justin Bobby Saves The Day

I understand The Hills is scripted reality. I can accept that the show probably has deals with Teen Vogue, Bolthouse Productions and Kelly Cutrone, so that Lauren, Whitney and Heidi can at least appear to work like real people. I can even accept the Paris episode where:

• The night before the big event, Lauren wore her super-expensive dress to a club, where there is smoke and a huge potential for spilled-beverage stains, and she managed to keep the dress stain-free until she "accidentally burned it with her hair straightener, but luckily was able to sweet talk the designer to lend her another super-expensive dress

• Lauren and that dude from the band were supposedly hitting it off, even though neither of them seemed to be that into it (And just in case you weren't aware, French guys always take cute American girls on late-night Vespa tours of Paris—ALWAYS)

I can accept that all the girls are probably forced to go to the same club each night so their can be drama. What I can no longer accept is when 99.5% of the depicted conversation is comprised of voice-over.

I couldn't even see their mouths moving most of the time. This is crap.

I almost stopped watching after the bar scene, but the prospect of seeing more Justin Bobby kept me tuned in. He did clean up a bit—he got rid of his hoodie, tied his hair in what I suspect to be a Eurotrash ponytail and got a nice hat. And his facial expressions still remain priceless. That guy is amazing.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Getting Serviced

I just got a call from Dell. I purchased a laptop from them three years ago. Apparently, I had some kind of mail-in service guarantee that expires today, so they tried to sell me on a new service program that costs like $170 for the next year.

I declined with the reasoning that their service probably sucks and will probably have all kinds of hidden fees. Also, I've had this laptop for three years. I think that's a solid performance period, so if it goes haywire (always wanted to use that word), I'll just get a new one.

Her response was that Dells actually last five years, and wouldn't I rather spend $170 for service to keep the computer running rather than spend $1500 for a new computer. Well in my head, I'm thinking, "If they last five years, why are you trying to sell me some service that expires after my third year? Shouldn't your service program last the entire five years that you say the computer is supposed to perform well?"

And also, I'm not spending $1500 on a new laptop. I don't do anything revolutionary with it. All I need is WordPerfect, Minesweeper and a graphic arts program that allows me to create awesome, pixilated banners for birthday parties. Unless the laptop can magically access an imaginary worldwide network of communication and information, where I'll be able to instantly "talk" to my friends, get 24/7 news and view copious amounts of pornography, then I'm not paying over $1000 for it.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I Love French Cruellers

Today is the best day of the year. In honor of Tax Day, Dunkin' Donuts is offering a free donut with the purchase of any size coffee. I've already completed my taxes, but I'll be celebrating anyway.

The Dirty Burrito recommends any of the above pictured varieties, as well as maple frosted, chocolate kreme, french crueller* and chocolate frosted french crueller.

*Apparently, "french crueller" has another meaning. For purposes of this post, I am recommending the type offered by Dunkin' Donuts. However, if you would like to partake in the Urban Dictionary version of "french crueller," I recommend saving the coffee until you meet up with your lady friend.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Working Burritos

Congratulations to El Burrito Grande, who starts his very first real world job in a couple of weeks. He'll be working on Latin American marketing projects for Ford. I think they wanted to interview him because his last name sounded Hispanic. I wish I could've seen the look on their faces when he walked into the interview and realized he wasn't Hispanic at all. Those suckers got served! Luckily for them, he actually is qualified and very proficient in Spanish. I think it's because he's Asian, and it's a fact that Asians are smart.

On another note, I just completed my first week at my new job. It's a small agency with only about 30 employees, and it's going pretty well so far. I've already established myself as the most talented Guitar Hero.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

The Flint Skinny

Just a reminder to go see Remember the Daze this weekend. I'm going by myself, so let me know if you're in NY and want to join. Also, I need friends...

Whether you want to accompany me, The Flint Skinny has a message for those of you who don't support the movie:

"The Flint Skinny is much more aggressive than The Dirty Burrito, though I do admire your efforts. If you live in NY, DC, or LA (pretty much any city initialized) and you don't go see 'Remember the Daze,' The Skinny will track you down and not only crush your hopes and dreams, but your bones as well. Trust me, this mysterious 'Blogosphere' has infinite knowledge, and you will be found. Don't think you can skirt the issue either because The Skinny will be checkin' ticket stubs."

Keep your hopes and dreams alive. See the film.

Andrew Shue Unathletic; Elisabeth Shue Attractive

A friend and former roommate of The Dirty Burrito, Christopher Shand, is doing double duty as an actor and post-production producer on the film Remember the Daze, which is in limited release this weekend. I think all of you should support him and see it.

And why should you see it? Because Christopher Shand is in it. He got billing over the actress who plays the title character, Dermot Mulroney AND the Shue siblings. Check it on IMDb.

You may be saying, “That ain’t shit.” Well, that is somewhat true. Getting billing over the actress who plays the title character, whose name isn’t worth mentioning, and Dermot Mulroney could be considered minor accomplishments—barely. However, getting billing over the Shue siblings is ridiculous.

Andrew Shue was a star of Melrose Place, and he tried out for the LA Galaxy. Unfortunately, he sucked and didn’t make the team. Stupid actor thinks he can do everything. And Elisabeth Shue will always have a special place in my heart—Ali from The Karate Kid and the hooker from Leaving Las Vegas. Getting billing over the most fearsome brother-sister combo since Donny and Marie is no small accomplishment.

And if that’s still not enough reason for you to go see it, there are a bunch of young stars in it. Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl), Amber Heard (supposedly coming out with a bunch of movies this year, including Pineapple Express) and Alexa Vega (annoying girl from tween movies released earlier this decade, but could be hot now).

Again, please support the movie and help keep it in the theatres.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

My Ride

The Dirty Burrito purchased a brand new whip (that’s what the kids are calling them, no?) this past weekend. It’s a 2008 Dahon Jack. All-black aluminum, foldable frame and 26 inch wheels with the wire spokes. I even got the customized seat that turns into a pump. Ooooooh. Nobody can compete with that. OK—maybe Red Man. His RV is pretty sick. And possibly Simon Rex. I think he was rollin’ on 12s on a Honda or Mazda or something like that, so he’s definitely living large. I also got a ten-pound chain lock to keep jealous thieves away. I’m just waiting for my all-black helmet to match my ride.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Kevin Durant Doesn't Want to Not Do Nothing

From Percy Allen of the Seattle Times via TrueHoop: "When their rookie season ends, Kevin Durant and Jeff Green are going back to school. ... Durant is guaranteed at least $8.5 million from his rookie contract, and he signed a $60 million deal with Nike. But the 19-year-old said he, too, is planning for life after basketball. 'Even though I love the game, I can't play forever and you can't do nothing without the degree,' he said. 'So I got to get it sooner or later. It's going to take awhile, but I'd rather it take awhile than not having one.'

I’m proud of Kevin Durant. After he gets that degree, he won’t be able to not do nothing. Plus, I’m sure he's looking to recapture some of the great campus experiences he had with the fine, young students at Texas. Just remember the following equation: Chasey Lain + Jill Kelly + Jesus Shuttlesworth = Kevin Durant returning to school to hook some horns.