Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Partridge Twins

What Would Tyler Durden Do somehow got exclusive access to these pics of Audrina (They are SFW. They become NSFW once you click on the individual pictures. And yes, I did view the NSFW versions at work this morning. I don't think IT is sending around its secret police to crackdown any time soon.) from The Hills. I was not expecting these at all. Pretty ridiculous.

I suppose we should be eagerly anticipating a move from Team Spencer-Heidi. In order to return to the forefront of the gossip world, I have no doubt they'll try something completely asinine in order to one-up Audrina. Perhaps this will be the moment a sex tape surfaces. They've already filmed a music video, which looks like a cross between a cheap Skinemax flick and a karaoke video, so a sex tape shouldn't be that far of a reach.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I Like James Franco

Yet another Hollywood celebrity has won me over. I was always indifferent to James Franco, but this "Acting with James Franco" segment combined with his parody of The Hills from a few months ago, lead me to believe he is an outstanding individual.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Hilary Sweeps Chad's Leg

Though I respected her acting abilities in critically-acclaimed movies like The Next Karate Kid and Million Dollar Baby, I never found Hilary Swank that attractive—until I saw these pictures.

My first thought was, “How the hell did Chad Lowe manage to bag her?” After seeing the lingerie shoot, I can only guess that she mistook him for Rob Lowe. (Side note: Can someone give an update on the underage girl from Rob's sex tape? She should be about 36-years-old by now. She was a major player in one of the first celebrity sex tape scandals. Does she still talk about it with her friends? Did she end up being a stripper? I would certainly like to find out.)

Poor Chad Lowe. It always sucks when your ex becomes ten times hotter after she leaves you.

And just because the phrase "karate kid" was mentioned:

Monday, March 10, 2008

Best Oralist

As many of you know, The Dirty Burrito is proud to recognize his friends when they make any significant accomplishments. I recently discovered that my long lost friend from college, Cortney, won the Best Oralist award at her moot court competition.

I’m not exactly sure what types of shenanigans occur at moot court competitions, but an award is an award. All those years and long nights mastering her diction and oral technique really paid off. Congratulations to Cortney on being Best Oralist!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Responsible Boy: Update

My mom finally got to read the post about the super-awesome bookmark promoting responsible behavior toward females. I’ve listed some of her emphatic, high-pitched responses below:

“This is the first time I've seen this bookmark.”

“I don't remember giving any bookmark to you.”

“That is sooo not me.”

“I remember everything that I ever gave anybody, and I didn't give that bookmark to you.”

Laughing hysterically and after successfully making my case for why no one else could’ve ever given that bookmark to me, I said “Keep on talking. You’ll just give me more material to put on my blog.”

At that point she continued her laughter and gave one more denial, to which I responded, “Whatever.”

And I quickly opened up a Google document so I could write down every comment I could remember.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Beefsteak: The Aftermath

It took me a couple days, but I’ve finally recovered from the beefsteak. I arrived late because I scored a last-minute interview. The eating officially began at 7pm, but I arrived shortly after 8pm. The chef brought salad, olives, pickles and fries to complement the beef, which was cooked in butter and served as pictured in this post. Everyone had already finished eating and was getting ready for the ice cream dessert by the time I sat down.

I felt enormous pressure to eat my beef quickly. I felt like I was the last person in an auditorium during a final exam. I always got very nervous and anxious when I saw everyone around me completing the test much faster than me. I knew I wasn’t under any time constraints, but I decided I’d eat fast but with caution.

Another source of pressure was finding out my roommate had eaten thirty-three slices of beef. I knew I wasn’t going to achieve thirty-three slices because I’d be quasi-speed eating.

I went through a few different stages of reactions toward the flavor. The first ten slices tasted fantastic, and I thought I could kill this contest; however, I started to hit a wall somewhere in the early teens where the beef tasted good, but I realized I could stop and be content. I wanted to get close to thirty-three, so I pushed forward. Around slice seventeen, the beef didn’t really start to taste like anything. At slice nineteen, I was becoming grossed out but decided I’d get to twenty just so I could hit a nice round number. The twentieth slice made me gag slightly, but I forced it down.

At that point, my other roommate, who ate twenty-one slices, made fun of me for being the weakest eater in our apartment. He tried getting me to eat one more piece. I refused and backed away from the table with my beer. After stepping away for two minutes, I said “Fuck it. I’ll just do it.” And I ate the twenty-first slice. It took a good thirty seconds for me to chew and force it down. Not a great experience.

I didn’t eat the most or the least amount of beef, but I ate the fastest. I ate my twenty-one pieces in a little under thirty minutes. It was the most efficient performance of the night. My head was pounding, and I had a little difficulty breathing. I imagine it was due to all of the cholesterol and fat from the beef and butter.

After the meal, I didn’t think I’d want to eat steak for at least six months, but the next day I was actually craving more of it. Next month, I hope I arrive on time so I can see how perform over a longer period.