Monday, December 22, 2008

Last Christmas

My choice for the greatest Christmas song ever is “Last Christmas” by Wham! (Side note: Do I end the sentence with the exclamation point or period? I’ve never had to deal with a punctuation mark being part of a musician’s name.) This song and video are perfect in every way. The ski lodge premise with ugly sweaters and cozy fireplaces, combined with the beautiful voice and lyrics of George Michael make for the perfect Christmas song.

I apologize for the quality of this post. I got really drunk last night, and I’m still somewhat intoxicated. I’m now home in Michigan. I held a high school-themed party last night at my parents’ place. By high school-themed, I mean that the dress code was limited to clothes you wore in high school.

I dressed in a Structure shirt, jeans and t-shirt, and it was topped off by an Old Navy Tech Vest. I also wore my old Doc Martens. In outfits like these, my friends and I proceeded to down copious amounts of Johnny Walker and Smirnoff.

Also, to add to the high school theme, we invited high school girls. Just kidding. My mom collected keys. It was hilarious. She thought our plan was to get absolutely hammered and attempt to drive our cars in the snow-covered roads. Parents are funny.

I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas. This is the last Music Monday post of the year. Remember, if you drink over the holiday, make sure you collect keys.

Monday, December 15, 2008

All I Want for Christmas

Song #2 in The Dirty Burrito's Christmas song countdown is "All I Want for Christmas is You" by Mariah Carey.

I love this song for two reasons:
1. It reminds me of Love Actually, the best Christmas movie ever. The scene with Hugh Grant dancing to the Pointer Sisters is priceless.
2. It's vintage Mariah. If MTV had Cribs back in the day, she wouldn't have changed her outfit a dozen times or jumped in her bathtub in her nightie.

Unfortunately, Sony BMG won't let me embed, so I can only give you a link to the YouTube video.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Tongue Action from Annie Wilson

I want to give a shoutout to LF, whose obsession with 90210 led her to find a Facebook photo album owned by Shenae Grimes, who plays awwww shucks Annie Wilson.

Based on her pictures, however, she doesn't seem so innocent. Little Annie Wilson:
- loves flashing peace signs and sticking her tongue out
- maintains a good manicure
- is way more anorexic than I thought
- likes leopard-print bras
- would be totally awesome to party with

Just in case the massive traffic to her Facebook album--obviously due to the vast readership of this blog--forces her to set it to private, I've at least posted the leopard-print bra pic for you.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Curious Case of Brad Pitt's Movie Titles

Why does Brad Pitt always seem to appear in movies where a person's name is involved in the title? Check out this chronological list of his work:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Ocean's Thirteen

Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Ocean's Twelve

Ocean's Eleven

Meet Joe Black

Johnny Suede
Thelma & Louise

And that's just for feature films. I'm not even counting his voice work on Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas.

He must be turned on when he sees a script with a name in the title. I assume the twins were conceived the night he read The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Crawford.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

Manny Monday

Back in 2006 when I was living in the motherland and working at The Agency, I met Manny Pacquiao, fresh from his victory over Erik Morales, and got my dad the above autographed boxing glove WITH the personal callout. I think that is extremely clutch and indicative of my worth as the first-born. This should really bolster my chances of finally getting him to fulfill my annual Christmas request to pay my January rent. (Please. Rent is only a little over $1100. The glove is priceless.)

Obviously, I'm super happy that Manny destroyed yet another Mexican in the boxing ring last night. However, I need to know one thing - will his official nickname still be "Pacman," or does he prefer "The Mexicutioner?" I personally prefer "Pacman."

Now onto the music. This week marks the beginning of my Christmas song countdown, where I'll give you my three favorite Christmas songs.

I'm not a music critic, so I'm not going to start picking songs because they're incendiery or transcendent. My criteria for including songs on the list are pretty simple. They just have to make me feel happy or warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Number 3 is "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" by Alvin & the Chipmunks. I love those little guys. My mother played this song every Christmas and it reminds me of when El Burrito Grande and I were children and actually excited to help put the fake tree together and decorate it. Those were the days...

(Side note: Did anyone ever have the Sesame Street Christmas album? That was another favorite of mine. The Count singing "All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)" is amazing. Though it didn't make it into my top 3, it's still one of the finest Christmas songs of our time.)

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Emergency Services

Yesterday, HR made us fill out benefit enrollment and personal information forms. I came to the part where I had to indicate my emergency contact. After mentally processing my viable options, I settled on my friend Schwalms.

I find her to be quite responsible and should I ever happen to be in an emergency situation at work (e.g., getting speared by the 5-bar during an intense game of foosball*), I know she’ll get the job done. Plus, she’s always holding hands with her boyfriend, who also happens to be a solid and trustworthy individual, so it’s like having two emergency contacts.

Schwalms was very accepting of this immensely important responsibility, and, in an act indicative of why I chose her, she requested the information of my family in case she’d ever have to contact them. I gave her their info and told her to friend them—we are a Facebook family.

This wouldn’t have been much of an event except for the posting my mother wrote on her wall. To give you context, here is the message that Schwalms sent to my mother as part of her friend request:

(Note: Real names have been replaced)

"Hello!!! I'm The Dirty Burrito’s friend Schwalms - I'm also his emergency contact at work in case he's hit by a NYC cab driver**. Thought it would be good to have a few Burritos’ contacts under my belt =) Hope you are enjoying the holiday season! Come visit with the fam!"

And here is my mother’s response:

“well hello Schwalms. it's good to know that The Dirty Burrito has an angel watching over him whenever he's wasted, thank you. he's a good kid, he just has too much fun sometimes. i'm glad that he is surrounded by caring friends like you. i hope you have a happy and peaceful holiday. take care.”

Yes, she called me out for being wasted—a resounding endorsement from my mother. It seems like she can’t accept the fact that I like to party. I’ve been like this since high school. She knows I have too much fun, not just sometimes, but all the time. And it’s from her side of the family where I inherited my thirst for a good drink, so she really shouldn’t be too surprised.

* There are two foosball tables at work, and I try to play at least twice a day.
** For those of you who are unaware, I was the victim of a hit-and-run by a NYC cab about two months ago.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Nuts in Your Mouth

Almost two years ago, my friend, Alexander, became Northwestern University’s inaugural Hottest Guy on Campus. In my congratulatory post, I wrote, “Since I’ve known Alexander, I always expected him to achieve something as grand as this.”

I’m proud to say he, along with two of his friends, has accomplished something ALMOST as amazing. In early September, they launched their very own cereal company – [me] & goji.

It’s artisanal cereal, customized by you. You get to choose your unique mixture from a selection of over 40 organic ingredients, and they’ll ship it to you in a sealed, attractive cylindrical cereal capsule. The process is pretty simple:

1) Choose a base ingredient (e.g., samurai wheat or raw 5-grain muesli)
2) Add a little extra something to enhance your base (e.g., choco granola or oat bran)
3) Pick some fruit (e.g., goji or currants)
4) Top it off with some nuts or seeds (e.g., almonds or chia)
5) Name your cereal

I just finished my first capsule. I selected granola enhanced with golden granola, toasted coconut and almonds. I called it “Nuts in Your Mouth.”

It was delicious. They don’t mess around with the ingredients. I could smell the coconut and knew it wasn’t processed; it definitely smelled fresh. I’m from an island, I know these things.

Visit the website, and order some cereal. Seriously, you probably went back home for Thanksgiving, got hammered with your old elementary and high school friends on Wednesday night, feasted on Thursday and devoured leftovers the rest of the weekend.
You’ll need something healthy after that gluttony. Or since it’s the Christmas season, order some capsules as presents. Giving is better than receiving.

Also, [me] & goji has already been featured in Uncrate, Daily Candy, Thrillist and Hungry Girl. You need to show the HGOC and his friends that The Dirty Burrito provides a comparable, if not better, bump in sales. Actually, I’m just hoping they’ll be thankful for the mention and send me a free capsule.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Dirty Jerz

I saw the Girl Talk concert this past Friday night at Harrah’s in Atlantic City. If Girl Talk ever comes to your city, go see him. I’ve never been to a DJ concert before, and it was phenomenal.

The venue was really cool—the show was held at the indoor pool. However, the crowd wasn’t what we were expecting. To be honest, we thought there would be a huge Asian turnout. Asians like these types of things. We figured going to a DJ concert would be like going to see drifting or singing at a karaoke bar in Koreatown. Instead, the crowd consisted mostly of white Jersey trash. It was a huge let down, but the music made up for it.

Prior to going to Atlantic City, I was warned that I would have to lower my expectations for everything, mainly because it’s Jersey. A quote from my boss sums up the general attitude toward Atlantic City and Jersey. I told him I was hopping on the Atlantic City bus for a concert, and he said, “Ooooh. That’s a bad idea. Try and get out of that. The crowd on the Atlantic City bus consists of the most decrepit lowlifes you’ll ever meet. It’s terrible.”

And the guy was born and raised in Jersey. Yikes.

After that ringing endorsement, the bus ride there actually wasn’t all that bad. What was bad was walking into the casino. The crowd was super depressing. Let’s just say if I ever reach a point in my life where I start taking dates to the casino, I’d like you to shoot me.

I know it sounds snobby, but this is not a judgment against people who go to casinos. I actually know a lot of people who go to casinos, and they’re absolutely fine. But the people I saw last night…I don’t even know what to say. It was such a downer.

Also, rolling into Atlantic City isn’t exactly like rolling into Vegas. I remember driving into Vegas for the first time during a cross-country drive with the HGOC during the summer of 2004. It was a glorious sight. You could feel the energy of the city. We even felt compelled to yell “Vegas baby! Vegas!”

When you come upon Atlantic City, you just see a bunch of unexciting, bland buildings and the name “Trump” all over the place. Not exactly what gets me excited.

The ride home was slightly more interesting. We almost got into a fight with a black woman. She cut in line to get on a bus that tons of people were trying to board. It was 3:30 in the morning, and we were decently intoxicated, so we passively gave her crap by continuously telling the bus driver and crowd that she cut in line.

All of a sudden, she got in a shouting match with us, called us snitches and told us to go back to China. Too bad I was with a Korean (the BSD) and a Chinese guy. The BSD was like, “Yo what the fuck dude?! I’m Korean.” My Chinese friend said, “Yeah. That’s right. We’re from China. We speak perfect English and just got back from the Beijing Olympics. Yeah.” At that point, I was dying of laughter at all the asinine things she was saying, and said, “But I’m from Mexico! I wanna go back to Mexico!” Some dude in front of us thought that was hilarious.

So the woman continued yelling at us, continued telling us to go back to China and continued waving her acrylic nails in our faces, which resulted in a cut above the eye for the BSD. At one point, she even called us “Chong Chong Chong.” I have no idea what that means, but apparently it’s stereotypically Chinese. I guess she was an example of what my boss referred to as “the most decrepit lowlifes you’ll ever meet.”

After all of that, I got home at 6:30 in the morning. It wasn’t China or Mexico, but I did get to roll into my bed as the sun was rising. Good times!

I took a few photos, so feel free to check them out.

And now here is a classic 90s rap from Bone Thugs-n-Harmony to ring in December and wake you from your turkey coma:

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Have a Dirty Thanksgiving

The Dirty Burrito wishes all of my loyal readers, all five of you, a very merry and food-filled Thanksgiving. I hope all of you who are home for the holiday have a great time hanging out with all the kids you vaguely remember and probably really found annoying in elementary and high school.

If you need to get away from your family this weekend, take a few minutes to read my Thanksgiving post from 2 years ago: Thanksgiving and Me.

If anyone is in NYC, give me a shout. Happy eating.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Christmas Power Hour

I’m going to break my own rule of not doing anything Christmas-related until after Thanksgiving by telling you about this amazing downloadable Christmas Power Hour mix.

I can just picture sitting with my friends by a fireplace, wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, sipping eggnog & brandy, eating gingerbread men, telling corny jokes, singing along to the songs, doing sixty shots of Natural Light in an hour and blacking out. What a great party that would be.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Name That Emo Kid

Since Bronx Mowgli Wentz is the coolest name in the history of the world, you get two videos today. Not even Apple Martin or Kal-el Cage got this much attention.

But I guess we shouldn’t be too surprised. After all, Pete gave Ashlee a giant Lego bee as a wedding present…

Don’t forget to check out Best Week Ever’s Emo Baby Name Generator. My kid is going to be called Tokyo Porky Burrito. That was based on my favorite song being "So Electric" and the thing that makes me sad being “Feed the Children.”

Friday, November 21, 2008

Random Musings

Here are some thoughts I've had over the past year, but they never were able to materialize beyond a few lines:

I’m very happy about the new themes for Gmail. I chose ninja. The only reason I didn’t choose tea house is because I already use tea house for my iGoogle. I need to vary the Asian themes across my Google applications.

I enjoyed Pretty Woman immensely, but there is no way in hell I'd ever date an ex-hooker.

Why is leftover rice from Chinese restaurants still hard after re-heating? The rice I cook isn’t like that. Are they not using enough water?

People who use avatars are most likely me.

It’s sometimes an adventure paying restaurant bills with visitors. For whatever reason, New Yorkers just divide the bill evenly as long as everyone ordered comparably priced items. It’s not because we’re rich, it’s because it’s easier. (We have no problem paying upwards of $1000 to rent a room the size of a broom closet, so the bill really isn’t a big deal.) Sometimes, visitors aren’t down for this method. They will calculate how much they actually ordered and will only want to pay that amount. This is tremendously annoying. When in Rome...

I DO you talk to an angel? People would think you're crazy.

What is the one thing Meatloaf won’t do for love?

I don’t like vodka, but I really like dirty martinis.

I shaved this past Monday. I don’t intend to shave again until the Monday after Thanksgiving at the earliest. I wonder how much facial hair I'll be able to grow.

I’m an inferior Asian in that I’m not that good at math. I only got a B.A. in Economics. I wasn’t good enough to go for the B.S. This is why I work in advertising. But it’s OK because I like to think I’m still better at math than my white friends…but I don’t know if this is true.

I love unlimited champagne brunches on the weekends waayyyy too much. I may have a problem.

Sunday, November 16, 2008


I was shopping for a new winter jacket yesterday afternoon when I was stopped by two Japanese FOBs (Fresh Off the Boat) on Broadway just below Prince Street. They asked me if they could take my picture for a Japanese hairstyle magazine.

If you know me, you know there isn’t anything special about my hair. I buzz it myself with clippers every three weeks. There isn’t much to it. My hair isn’t even anywhere near the level of coolness of the hair of Japanese people, so I honestly thought this request was a joke.

But again, if you know me, you know I love all things Japanese. I wasn’t about to pass on an opportunity to be in a Japanese hairstyle magazine, so I asked them a few questions to make sure it was a semi-legit publication. After providing some vague answers and showing me the magazine, I agreed to take part. The magazine was written completely in Japanese, so I figured it had to be the real deal.

What I forgot to ask was whether they knew I was Asian, or whether they were trying for diversity and thought I was Mexican. I would guess that everyone featured in a Japanese hairstyle magazine should be Asian. There are just certain things Asian hair can do that other types of hair cannot accomplish. I mean, would you put an Asian guy in a black hairstyle magazine?

The impromptu photoshoot was a bit strange. First of all, they took my pictures right there on Broadway in the middle of a busy sidewalk in Soho. I thought we’d at least go to a less busy sidewalk and take the pictures there. Secondly, the first shots they took were of the lower half of my body. I’m not sure if they were taking photos of my gold sneaks, or if they wanted a shot of my attire. I like to think it was a picture of the entire ensemble; it was the one day this week that I decided to dress well. Lastly, they completed their set by taking head shots from all sides. I was feeling generous, so I gave them some tastes of Blue Steel, Ferrari and Le Tigra.

The duo gave me an Email address where I could reach them, so maybe they’ll provide me with the final shots. I hope they turned out well.

And because it’s Music Monday, I’m leaving with you with a video: “Murder on the Dance Floor” by Sophie Ellis-Bextor. What does this have to do with my J-FOB fashion shoot? Absolutely nothing. They played this every night at my favorite bar in college (well every night that I went, which was about three nights a week), and girls totally dug this song, so this one is for the ladies.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Words of Wisdom

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.” - Oscar Wilde


Sunday, November 09, 2008

Digital Memories

Does anyone develop film anymore? I started wondering about this after listening to Case & Joe’s “Faded Pictures,” easily the best song from the Rush Hour soundtrack. (No…“Can I Get A” was not the best song from that album. You can’t give that distinction to any song featuring Ja Rule.)

I can’t even recall the last time I had a roll of film developed. In fact, it had been so long since I even used a film camera, that when some tourists had me take their picture in Central Park this summer using an old school film camera, I actually had a problem taking their picture.

There was no optical zoom function, so my positioning was poor. On top of that, I held the button down too long and used up two shots. I thought I had to hold down the button for the redeye reduction flash. What a waste. Being Asian, this was tremendously embarrassing. I pride myself on my photo-taking abilities.

We live in an age where almost everything is stored digitally. People just use Flickr, Picasa, Facebook or some other online avenue to store photos. Even picture frames are digital. All you have to do is insert a flash drive into a frame, and you all of a sudden have a rotating photo album.

The reason I’m intrigued by this subject is because I wonder if “Faded Pictures” could even be written today. I imagine most musicians today still remember developed photographs. However, writing a song relating old relationships to faded pictures wouldn’t exactly resonate.

For an analogy, we can look to one of the immediate post-breakup scenes from Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Peter, the main character, is arguing with his brother Brian about deleting all the old photos of him and Sarah from his computer. A sulking Peter is sitting in front of his Mac contemplating deleting all the photos that remind of him of his relationship. He can’t push himself to do it because he wants to save them “just in case” he and Sarah get back together. In a step aimed at moving on and away from the past and after much comical struggle and debate, Brian ultimately deletes the photos for Peter.

Rush Hour and “Faded Pictures” were made ten years ago. If Forgetting Sarah Marshall were made ten years ago, that scene either wouldn’t have existed or would’ve been completely different. I didn’t know too many people storing pictures on computers or online ten years ago. If an old photographs scene were still in the movie, it would’ve been done using a photo album or a shoebox of pictures.

“Faded Pictures” probably couldn’t be made today. I suppose a song with the same theme could be made, but it would be challenging. How would songwriter make the process at looking at old photos online seem like a deep emotional experience? Perhaps with the right singer and the right song, it could happen. But it probably won’t.

I bet what will happen is some lame musician like the Jonas Brothers will write some cheesy breakup song about how badly the memories hurt and how they’ll have to untag themselves in Facebook albums…if it hasn’t been done already. Save me please.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Rap the Vote

This week’s video is the most contemporary video you’ll ever see on Music Monday. It’s a little over a week old, and it comes from the 7th graders of Atlanta’s Ron Clark Academy. For those of you who have not yet seen the video, the students rap about the election issues to the melody of “Whatever You Like” by T.I.

I really like this video because it gives me hope for the youth of America. It’s nice to see kids are interested and knowledgeable about today’s issues. The students wrote all the lyrics and choreographed the performance themselves. You can even watch a CNN interview with some of the students, where Kyra Phillips asks them about the making of the song and who they’re supporting in this election. (The little guy she first interviews is hilarious and extremely eloquent. He gives the most reasoned, smooth and rational responses, and he is also the only McCain supporter.)

The defining characteristic of this video is not its lyrical originality or political neutrality. It’s the random white kid in the back right corner of the stage. His performance amuses me to no end.

I would compare him to the onion ring I would sometimes find in my order of fries when I used to eat at Burger King. I wasn’t quite expecting that onion ring and am not really sure if it belongs, but I’m willing to give it a chance. In fact, I eventually come to appreciate the onion ring even more because it’s actually diversified my eating experience and given me great satisfaction.

Kudos to that random white boy for stepping up and making the performance much more enjoyable.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Hot Dog

I find it ironic that the Recession Special at Gray’s Papaya has actually increased in price during a recession. Two years ago, I wrote about the Recession Special and how I used to order one after every soccer game. Back then, it only cost $2.75. I walked by Gray’s Papaya today and saw the Recession Special priced at $4.45.

This is ridiculous. In times of trouble, I should be able to count on being able to purchase two hot dogs and a drink for under $3.

On a related note, I’m dressing as a hot dog for Halloween. Come hang with me on Friday. You’ll get to see a dancing hot dog.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Robbing the Cradle

SPOILER ALERT: Don’t read on if you haven’t watched last night’s episode.

Last night’s Gossip Girl was a wild rollercoaster of drama. The episode focused on four main plot lines:

- Dan and Serena making another attempt to be friends

- Jenny and her fashion designing career

- The star-crossed love saga between Chuck and Blair

- Nate making out with Jenny

The Dan-Serena story was your typical Dan-Serena story—the two don’t communicate well, they have an argument and make up in a passive aggressive, mumbling manner. Jenny and her fashion career was somewhat crazy, but I’m not all that interested in a drama between a 15-year-old and a Blair’s mom. Chuck and Blair was super intense, as always. I’m extremely interested to see what happens between the two of them.

What I really want to discuss is the completely random, out-of-the-blue crush that Nate developed for Jenny. Nowhere in prior episodes did we see this coming. Keep in mind that Nate just moved in with the Humphreys, so if this progresses to anything, it'll be a strange situation.

Also, let’s note the age difference here. Taylor Momsen is 15; Chace Crawford is 23. I understand it’s acting, but it’s still a bit strange. I was watching that closing kissing scene between the two of them thinking, “No fucking way…this show is awesome!” But then I thought, “No fucking way…isn’t she 15, and he’s around my age? Yikes!”

Monday, October 27, 2008


Today's video is "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now" by Starship. I particularly like this song because it reminds me of riding in the car with my mother back in the day when we lived on The Island. As you grow older, you begin to forget more of the stuff that happened pretty early in life. For some reason, this song has that unique ability to give me that feeling that I'm actually back in time.

Also, I like how awesomely bad this video is. The song is from the motion picture, Mannequin. First of all, the video basically has Starship recreating segments of the movie, interspersing those segments with actual clips and trying to make it seamlessly appear as if they're part of the movie. As you can see, this attempt was a massive failure.

One would think they'd be able to pull it off, or at least take a really good shot at it. This is Starship...they were so popular, they played MTV Spring Break at Daytona Beach. Think about that for a second. It may not seem like it because this video is two decades old, but Starship was so awesome that they played an MTV Spring Break back when MTV thought the coolest place in the world to go on spring break was Daytona Beach, Florida. Can you imagine a group of raging drunk college kids rocking out to this song and "We Built This City"? (I totally can. I was born in the wrong decade.)

Lastly, we have further video evidence that Kim Cattrall is only good at playing a slut. Even as a mannequin that comes to life, we see multiple instances of her stripping down.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Wish I Could Be There

I arrived late from L.A., and though I don't have much commentary for you, I still want to give you your weekly dose of music. Here is one of my favorite songs - "So Electric" by Lifelike.

This song doesn't actually have an official music video. There are two videos on YouTube, and I prefer this long version juxtaposed with dance clips and sound bites from the cult hit movie, Xanadu. If you want to listen to the song without the sound bites, check out the slightly shorter version.

You can't go wrong with either. Just hit play, listen and relax.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Apocalypse Now

The Dirty Burrito is going going back back to Cali Cali, which should lead to debauchery of epic proportions. Not only am I reuniting with my dearest friends from the West Coast, but a small contingent of my East Coast friends are going as well. And when I say "friends," I actually mean "people I hang with who'll eventually lead me toward liver failure and AA."

For those of you who'll be out there and want to join the fun, here is the itinerary:

Friday (aka A Day with The Homewrecker)
-Day: L.A. eating excursion including crack tacos and the famous BJ's pizookie
-Night: Redondo Beach for BBQing and a beach bar crawl

Saturday (aka The HJ Birthday Blackout)
-Day: Santa Monica for what the Hottest Guy on Campus has dubbed the "Ninja Bar Crawl" because there'll be a lot of Asians, and as everyone knows, we're all ninjas
-Night: A bar called El Carmen because they serve margaritas, and The Dirty Burrito loves the official drink of his native land

To top it all off, I'm working on a crippled right leg and a crutch...Tiny Tim-style. My beach bar crawls should be interesting.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Drinking in L.A.

Whenever I hear a song about California, most likely on an MTV reality show, it’s usually just about the sun, sand and freeways. Back in August of 2007, I wrote the following in my Newport Harbor review:

“Predictably, they opened the show with a song about California. You know—a song which mentions something about the sun, the sand and either the 405 or the 101? OK. We get it. The show is set in California. You have fantastic weather, gorgeous beaches and congested freeways. Sweet. Pick more original songs.”

“Drinking in L.A.” by Bran Van 3000 is a nice departure from the usual idealistic formula. It actually does a very good job of mocking the Los Angeles lifestyle. Take these lyrics:

Feeling kinda groovy

Working on a movie (yeah right!)

But we did nothing, absolutely bupkis that day

Each time I visit L.A., I get the feeling that nobody really works over there. I think people enjoy pretending like they work. Why should I have to wait in line at the cupcake store or at a breakfast joint in the middle of a weekday? Shouldn’t people be in the office?

In any case, I’ll be in L.A. this week from Thursday-Sunday. Call me if you would like to hang.

Friday, October 10, 2008

There's Only One Maverick T-Shirt

In a comment on my post about the one true maverick, an anonymous reader left the URL to this t-shirt. I like it. Go get one.

And the wannabe maverick is a whore:

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Literally Awesome

“A Little Respect” by Erasure has to be the most literal video ever. I have no idea what made me think of this song, but I like it a lot.

The entire video is the vocalist singing while literal depictions of the lyrics fade in and out in the lower portion of the screen. My favorite is the one where they flash the flag for the 1998 Olympics in Seoul while he sings the word “soul.” Genius.

On a completely unrelated note and because I have nothing further to say about the today’s music video, my roommates and I discovered one of the funniest shows on television. It’s called Sex...with Mom and Dad on MTV.

The premise is that families who want to have a more open dialogue about sex go to Dr. Drew to try and help facilitate and start this more open relationship. The parents and kids sit together with Dr. Drew, who tries to understand the problem. Once he determines the problem, he gives the family tasks that will help them on their path to opening up.

Some highlights:

- An 18-year-old girl who is a virgin and is about to go to college has to learn how to put on condoms using a cucumber. She has to do this with her dad, who is a cop. She also asked him if you can get pregnant via anal and how many girls have performed oral sex on him. I felt awkward typing that last sentence…

- A girl from Long Island has had sex with 4 guys…and she’s only 16-years-old. This is why I sometimes consider not having children.

- A 19-year-old manwhore has to drive around with his mother and they have to show each other memorable places they’ve had sex. It’s called The Bonk Tour. His mom also told him that she didn’t have her first orgasm until her mid-thirties. Fantastic!

You can watch full episodes online. Enjoy.

Thursday, October 02, 2008

There's Only One Maverick in This Debate

In last night's VP debate, the librarian MILF only further solidified her reputation for being ridiculously uninformed.

Everyone knows there's only one Maverick, and he flies with Goose. He pushes boundaries—he rides a motorcycle, sings Righteous Brothers to unsuspecting females at bars and plays beach volleyball in jeans and no shirt.

If she refers to herself as "maverick" ever again, Ice Man will have to step in to lay the smack down.

White Rabbit

In another food-related blow to the Asian community, the Department of Consumer Protection advised consumers not to eat White Rabbit Creamy Candy. The Connecticut Agriculture Experiment Station Laboratory has determined that the product contains the potentially deadly chemical melamine, which is the culprit in the current worldwide food scare.

For those who aren’t familiar with White Rabbit, think of a white, slightly softer, Asian version of a Tootsie Roll. But if you got a ton of them for Halloween, you wouldn’t avoid them. They’d be the first candies to go. Also, within the outer wrapper, the candy is rolled in a thin, edible sticky rice wrapper. (That’s correct. We even found a way to get rice into our candy.)

Upon reading this news story, I E-mailed a bunch of my Asian friends. I immediately got a response from the Rainmaker: “whaaaat? the writer of this article just hates asians.”

As you can see, food is a very sensitive issue for my people. First, Sam’s Club tries to take away our rice. And now they go after a popular childhood treat. We can only take so much. Next thing you know, they’re going to tell us soy sauce is too high in sodium…

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

I Saw Doogie Howser, M.D.

I saw Neil Patrick Harris this past Saturday night. He was dining at Georgia’s Eastside BBQ, a tiny BYOB barbecue spot in the Lower East Side. He was with a group of about nine dudes celebrating a bachelor party (I’m 99.5% certain it was a gay bachelor party, but that’s beside the point).

At first I thought, “Why the hell would Doogie Howser, M.D. dine at a tiny BYOB barbecue joint in the Lower East Side?” The man starred in his own series in the 90s, is currently starring in a hit sitcom, had very memorable rolls in both Harold & Kumar movies and stars in an Old Spice commercial. Surely, he and his friends could’ve afforded to go somewhere else. I even know much better BYOB places in the area where they could’ve eaten and gotten reservations.

In any case, I was very excited to be within 15 feet of the real Doogie Howser, M.D., so I texted a bunch of people about this sighting. I normally don’t care about sightings, but I was in the presence of greatness. He was licensed to practice medicine at 14—the youngest licensed doctor in the country! I had to alert the world.

I got a few amusing responses, but the text from The Little Taquito was priceless: “I don’t even know who that is..but sweet dudeee.”

That didn’t make me feel old at all. I suppose it makes sense for her not to know Doogie. The series ended in 1993, two months before she was born. But still…it’s Doogie Howser M.D.—he was the youngest licensed doctor in the country! I can still hear the theme song in my head, and I can see the letters typing out on the old school WordPerfect blue screen. Oh the good ol’ days…

Monday, September 29, 2008

I Need a Break

Because of the damage done to my wallet and liver over the last month, particularly this past weekend with The Homewrecker, today’s video is “Damaged” by Danity Kane.

I realize this song is about a woman who has trust issues because she’s been wronged in previous relationships, but let’s not forget this is Danity Kane. It’s not as if a genius like Babyface wrote the song. Whoever wrote the song was just looking for a simple, catchy hit. We’re not exactly being showered with a masterful display of songwriting.

I’m pretty sure I could cleverly replace the word “heart” and pieces of a few other lines throughout the song, and the song would instantly be about my spending and drinking habits. For example, here are revised excerpts from the first verse and chorus:

First Verse
Do, do you got a first aid kit handy?
Do, do you know how to patch up a wound?
Tell me,
Are-are-are-are you?
Are you patient,
Cause I might need some time to clear the hole in my heart wallet and I

Damaged, damaged
Damaged, damaged
I thought that I should let you know
That my heart cash flow is
Damaged, damaged
So damaged (so damaged)
And you can blame the one shots before

That doesn’t see so hard, no? That only took me about two minutes, including formatting the font.

I’d also like to make it clear that this isn’t a knock on Danity Kane. The girls are paid to look good, dance and sing—in that priority. Based on this video, I'd say they do those three things well.

As for me, I need to patch up my wallet and be more kind to my body. I’ll be hibernating in my apartment, so please don’t expect to see me for awhile.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Must-See Monday

After last night’s 3-hour marathon of Gossip Girl and Heroes, I’ve decided that Monday is the best night of television.

Gossip Girl is starting to heat up. Thanks to a scheming Chuck Bass, Serena and her bootylicious ass are about to usurp the queen B, which should set off a chain reaction of drama for the rest of the season.

Heroes had a 2-hour season premiere, and it was awesome. It looks like the quality of this season will be closer to that of season 1 than season 2. Definitely a good thing. Another good thing—Dania Ramirez is back in my life.