Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Clarissa Needs to Explain Why She Sucks

Melissa Joan Hart is terrible. On Sunday night, I watched the ABC Family original movie, Holiday in Handcuffs. I know it sounds like a porno, but just click the link for the IMDb synopsis. I don’t have the energy to explain the plot. Just know that Albert Clifford Slater co-starred in this film.

In any case, this was Hart’s second attempt at playing the female lead in a romantic comedy. Her first attempt was 1999’s Drive Me Crazy. It’s really no surprise to me that it took eight years for her to get another shot at carrying a movie.

Nothing about Melissa Joan Hart makes me think that she could play a romantic female lead. She isn’t attractive, she isn’t funny and she seems like an obsessive compulsive psycho. If you want to get me to connect with a romantic comedy please make sure your lead actress fulfills the criteria.

A main component of romance is physical attraction and since Hart isn’t attractive, the “romantic” part is immediately gone, so all you’re left with is a comedy. That would be fine, except she isn’t funny either, so the “comedy” part is gone. Basically, you’re left with an obsessive compulsive psycho who manages to win the affection of A.C. Slater. What’s believable about that? The guy hooked up with Jesse Spano , Kelly Kapowski (pre-Zack Morris, right?) and Ali Landry!

Melissa Joan Hart ruins almost everything she touches, except for Can’t Hardly Wait. She was perfect as the crazy yearbook girl, plus it’s tough to ruin a movie that starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime, you know, before she got…fat. Everything else has sucked — Clarissa Explains It All, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and especially her crappy cameo in the Britney Spears video for “Drive Me Crazy.” Come to think of it, that may have been the point that Britney started to lose it.

1 comment:

  1. Have you seen her IMDB profile? She's trying to show some boobage off, and it made me puke on my keyboar. See, I can't even type the letter between 's' an 'f' anymore. Man I hate her.