Thursday, December 27, 2007

Clayboy, G-Bone & Lawn Reindeer

Grant is breaking new ground in reality TV quotes. In this episode alone, I laughed out loud at least five times just from hearing him speak. Some of his quotes are below.

On Billy: “He’s a douche.”

While prepping the food for the barbecue: “I called a couple younger reinforcements of Newport Harbor. We’re going to be hanging out with booty like tonight for the rest of the year.”

Getting ready to jump in the pool with the Taylor and Alex: “How about you guys get in your sexy little swimsuits? Clayboy—G-Bone needs a bathing suit.”

That pool scene had to be one of the most awkwardly hot scenes in the history of teenage reality TV. I felt like it was the start of a late night skin flick on Cinemax, except it was Clayboy & G-bone spitting crazy, mediocre game at high school juniors. It has the potential to go down as one of the most re-watched segments in MTV Overdrive history.

(Side Note: After Newport Harbor has run its course, someone at MTV needs to give Clayboy & G-Bone their own show. It would be the funniest show in the history of MTV. It could be the same idea as The Hills except they “intern” for Quicksilver or another surfing brand. I would watch that show religiously.)

Thanksgiving at the Chrissy household was ridiculous. Why wouldn’t Chase, Allie, Kylie and Sasha have dinner with their families? We know Chase & Sasha are from Newport. We found out that Allie is from San Diego. Kylie is apparently an orphan.

Also, they did the whole “Giving Thanks” ritual where they state things for which they’re thankful. I’ve written about this before and don’t believe people actually do this. I need to know whether that family actually does this each year or the producers made them do it. With someone as cheesy as Chrissy’s dad, I would totally believe they do this every year. All I know is that if I were invited somewhere for Thanksgiving and was asked to say what I’m thankful for, I may freak out because of nervousness and my opposition to this ritual.

Another thing about Chrissy’s dad is that he can’t stop asking about people’s relationships. That guy has no fear/shame. He just blatantly asked Chase and Allie about their status. When they panned to Chrissy’s face, you could see the horrified smile of embarrassment on her face.

(Side Note: Why were the holiday reindeer already out on the lawn in front of Chrissy’s house. It was only Thanksgiving! As I’ve stated before, Christmas should wait until at least after Thanksgiving. Also, my family has reindeer on our front lawn. I’ve wanted to put my own reindeer in compromising situations. Is that weird? I just thought it would be funny.)

My last thought about the third episode—Sasha was once again looking stunning and seemingly the only person who is sane, rational and doesn’t have too much drama going on for her, which sadly is the reason she’ll only get 30 seconds of airtime each episode.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Detroit Rock City

I’m listening to a live version of “Strutter” by KISS. And it is awesome. I believe I think it is awesome for three reasons:

1. I watched a KISS concert on VH1 Classic (yesterday afternoon)
2. I just finished reading Fargo Rock City (this morning)
3. I hit 100% of the notes for "Strutter" on medium difficulty on Guitar Hero II (sometime in July)

These three reasons, particularly #1, also have made me desire to see KISS live in concert. I didn’t know 90% of the songs they performed during this concert, but they know how to rock. And The Dirty Burrito wants to rock with KISS*.

*Only if Ace Frehley is playing lead guitar.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Overhead Issues

I flew to Detroit from New York on Wednesday evening. Surprisingly, my flight was on time. This was probably the first flight I’ve taken out of New York that was on time and didn’t depart at 7am in the morning.

As expected, the flight was fully booked. I usually get a little nervous prior to boarding because I’m always worried I’ll be one of the last to board the plane and won’t have any space for my carry-on. I avoid checking baggage at all costs because the airlines usually lose it, and I feel like I wait an eternity to pick it up from the carousel.

Luckily, my ticket indicated I was in boarding Zone 4 of 6. I felt I had a decent chance of getting some overhead space for my bag. It turned out I had tons of space for my bag. I would’ve even been fine if I was in Zone 5.

In any case, one some idiot who boarded after me had one of those roll-aboards that don’t fit width-wise (i.e., shorter side against the back of the compartment) in the overheard compartment. The only way it would fit was to place it inside length-wise (i.e., longer side against the back).

I hate these bags that only fit length-wise. It is a complete waste of space. These bags eventually take up spaces where two bags could’ve fit, and they leave this useless two-inch space where you can’t put anything except maybe a jacket. And that leads me to another annoying article in overhead bins—jackets. Don’t waste space in the overheads with your jackets! Would it kill you to keep the jacket on or on your lap for the duration of the flight?

Anyway, back to this idiot with the roll-aboard. His luggage was the last one for that particular overhead bin. He tried placing it width-wise because that’s the only way it would even go in. Unfortunately, it was just a hair too long for the bin to be shut, so he tried slamming the door. No luck. What does he do next? He just smiled, giggled a little bit and raised his arms to the sides in the “I don’t know” action and sat down.

What the hell does that solve? Did he think the flight attendant had a magic technique to make the door close? This guy was in his 50s. Certainly, he could’ve been a little more responsible and actually contacted someone for help. Instead, he just sat there like a child waiting for mommy and daddy to solve the problem.

Thankfully, the flight attendant was a semi-bitch who saw the whole thing unfold and called him out on it. The guy was still smiling in his seat when the attendant asked him if the bin could close. Obviously, the answer was still “No.” So she says to the guy, “Well this plane isn’t going anywhere until that bin is shut.”

I desperately wanted say something like “You got served!” Instead I just watched in delight as this guy embarrassingly stood up and just looked around like a clueless moron. Finally, the semi-bitch just came to his rescue and moved stuff around for him and found him some space.

Why did I tell you this story? I hate lazy people who think others will always take care of problems for them. I almost wouldn’t have minded being delayed just to see this guy stumble around the aisle for another 5-10 minutes.

Random Newport Thoughts

After another episode of Greek Harbor, I can’t help but feel annoyed by Chrissy’s new friends—Billy, Allie & Kylie. They all seem like impostors and leaches. They give me the same feeling that Jen Bunney gives me on The Hills. They feel like fake friends.

I particularly don’t like Billy. My feelings about him being a complete d-bag are much stronger. He seemed to be a huge tool at that party, especially any time there was conversation of “the Lindsays.” Also, his voice always annoyed me. When I listen to Grant & Clay speak to each other, it’s like listening to Spicoli and Spicoli-lite, which, as I’ve stated before, is highly enjoyable. (Side note: I can’t believe Sean Penn ever played a character like Jeff Spicoli. He has to be one of the most serious people in the industry, yet he set the gold standard for beach bum stoner characters.) But listening to Billy is different. His accent isn’t exactly stereotypical California skater/surfer. I couldn’t really put my finger on it but after watching that super contrived picnic table conversation, I decided that it sounded more like Tim Gunn-lite. (Tim Gunn is Heidi Klum’s co-host on Project Runway.)

Allie & Kylie, Chrissy’s sorority sisters, are just blah. They’re about as exciting as the two model cars on my desk. They’re somewhat cool to look at once in awhile, but other than that, they are fairly useless.

I had to re-watch (I doubt that’s a word, but whatever) the episode on MTV Overdrive because I missed the first five minutes of the original airing. I caught a difference in soundtrack on the Web version. For the party scene, they played “Gimme More” by Britney Spears. I vividly remember the party scene opening with “It’s Britney bitch.”

When I watched Overdrive, they replaced “Gimme More” with two other random songs. I want to know why the hell they did that. I thought it was way more effective to use “Gimme More.”

The whole Chase & Kylie “relationship” story arc needs to end. Nothing about that seems genuine or even piques my interest whatsoever. If they just randomly never mentioned that storyline again, I wouldn’t even question what happened to it. Please, just end it.

The break-up scene was brutal. Chrissy was a major bitch. Her whole speech about how Clay should hang out with high school girls and she should go hang out with college guys because high school and college are so different was a total snob move.

And that speech about not being ready to move on to another relationship right away was a complete lie. She’s completely ready to move on to another relationship. That’s why she’s breaking up with Clay. Also, I’ve had that exact story pulled on me before. I totally bought it. So sad. I’m never falling for that again! (Ladies—please confirm whether this is one of those break-up lines that you use like “It’s not you, it’s me.”)

Chrissy definitely gained weight. I’m not saying she’s fat, but she’s on TV now. She definitely gained the frosh 15. Sasha, on the other hand, has just gotten better. She was on the preview for the next episode and looked fantastic. We need more Sasha and less Kylie & Allie.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Spears Family Gets Hit with Baby One More Time

Last night it was confirmed that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears, holder of the most anticipated 18th birthday since the Olson twins, is pregnant. The father is her longtime boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. They supposedly met at church, which goes to show that church is a great place to meet girls.

I need to know this guy’s age. Is he over 18? If so, can someone charge him with statutory? Also, I wonder if this Casey guy can live up to his counterpart, K-Fed, who Details recently named the one of the most powerful men under the age of 45 for being a good father.

I think my favorite part of this story is Lynne Spears’ quote in the Associated Press story:

"I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby."

There was obviously nothing to worry about since she made curfew every night. Did her mom really think the only time Jamie Lynn and her boyfriend could have sex was late at night after curfew?

Why wasn’t Jamie Lynn on the pill? Didn’t she have some close advisors to give her this kind of guidance? When you’re 16 and have a hit show on Nickelodeon, you should do everything in your power not to screw it up. This isn’t the Nickelodeon of my childhood where the best shows were low budget productions like Hey Dude!, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Welcome Freshmen and Salute Your Shorts. This is 21st century Nickelodeon where a hit show leads to a multi-million dollar career.

The least she could’ve done before getting pregnant by some sleazebag was to pose for Maxim when she turned 18 and crank out some mediocre films where she shakes her ass (See Alba, Jessica in Honey, Sin City, Fantastic Four and Into the Blue). Now, she’s probably just going to end up like Solange Knowles. Who is that? Exactly.

The Spears family would just be another white trash family from a trailer park in La. Luckily, Britney and Jamie Lynn hit the big time, so the Spears could afford to be a white trash family living in mansions in L.A.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Greek Harbor

For those who don’t know, Newport Harbor is back for a special four-episode run titled “Home for the Holidays.” I was so stoked for the show that I watched it last night after my 10:30 soccer game, which I played in 25 degree weather.

Each time a new season of Laguna/Newport premiers, I’m always pretty giddy about the forthcoming episodes, but not this time. I had this crazy feeling that I was an outsider at a frat party.

Let me take you on The Dirty DeLorean back through time. Think back to Welcome Week during your freshman year of college. It seemed like there was an abundance of crazy parties being thrown that week. Unless you or your friends knew older people at school who had their own houses or apartments, I’m guessing that a majority of the parties you heard about were thrown by frats. After all, they were trying to attract the best recruits (and hottest freshman girls) for the upcoming rush period.

If you went to any of these parties, you probably waited in a ridiculous line while some hardass at the door decided whether you were with enough attractive females before letting you inside. Why did you do this? Well, of course, to drink warm Schlitz Bull Ice and Black Label! (Side note: Could “warm Schlitz Bull Ice” qualify as an oxymoron?)

After you got in, you suddenly realized that you don’t know anyone at the party other than the people you came with. Essentially, you waited in line so you could go to a crowded party in a dirty frat house where you don’t know anyone and drink warm shitty beer. And you enjoyed this. Most likely, the only reason you enjoyed this was because of the massive amounts of nicely chilled alcohol you drank in your dorm room prior to venturing out for the evening.

In any case, watching last night’s episode was like being in that party. It just got off to a bad start when Chrissy mentioned she was in a sorority within the first 10 seconds of the show. Now, I have nothing against sorority girls. I’m friends with several of them. They also tend to be very good looking, as was the case with her two UCSB friends, who happened to look like clones with different colored hair. The problem I had was that these were sorority girls who just started college and just joined a sorority. All they ever talk about is their sorority, the drama that surrounds it and guys from fraternities.

Again, I just want to be clear. Just because I’m a GDI, it doesn’t mean I’m anti-Greek. In fact, I lived with some fraternity guys in their off-campus house during my junior and senior years. Why did they ask me and two of my friends to live with them? I have no idea. But I was unexpectedly hazed, and it was great (that IS me in the picture above).

I’m merely expressing my displeasure with the way “Home for the Holidays” started. If I wanted to relive that part of my life, I’d just go back to Ann Arbor and do it in person. At least I’d have warm Schlitz Bull Ice to comfort me. Plus, I could play the part of creepy older guy.

In conclusion, I hope the three remaining episodes stop giving me that weird outsider feeling. They can start with cutting out all the Greek talk. There is a way to play up the whole Chrissy-Billy-Clay love triangle drama without mentioning sorority sisters and fraternities. I know the storyboard editors didn’t go on strike, so I hope they stepped it up a little bit for the rest of the episodes.

Before I end this post, I have a few random thoughts about the first episode:

  • I thought both Kylie and Allie, Chrissy’s sorority sisters, were pretty cute. I can’t decide who looked better. Right now, my gut tells me the brunette—Allie. I’ll let you know my final verdict after all the episodes.
  • I can’t tell if Chrissy gained the Freshman 15. Some clothes and angles make it look like she did, and other don’t. Any thoughts?
  • The Like Sisters are like still like annoying as hell. And Allie like definitely looks strange without like bangs.
  • Sasha. Beautiful. Great person.
  • Taylor always brings it strong with the hair.
  • The relationship between Chrissy and her father is still really weird. They really need to stop talking candidly about her kisses with boys.
  • Billy seems like a huge d-bag.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Clarissa Needs to Explain Why She Sucks

Melissa Joan Hart is terrible. On Sunday night, I watched the ABC Family original movie, Holiday in Handcuffs. I know it sounds like a porno, but just click the link for the IMDb synopsis. I don’t have the energy to explain the plot. Just know that Albert Clifford Slater co-starred in this film.

In any case, this was Hart’s second attempt at playing the female lead in a romantic comedy. Her first attempt was 1999’s Drive Me Crazy. It’s really no surprise to me that it took eight years for her to get another shot at carrying a movie.

Nothing about Melissa Joan Hart makes me think that she could play a romantic female lead. She isn’t attractive, she isn’t funny and she seems like an obsessive compulsive psycho. If you want to get me to connect with a romantic comedy please make sure your lead actress fulfills the criteria.

A main component of romance is physical attraction and since Hart isn’t attractive, the “romantic” part is immediately gone, so all you’re left with is a comedy. That would be fine, except she isn’t funny either, so the “comedy” part is gone. Basically, you’re left with an obsessive compulsive psycho who manages to win the affection of A.C. Slater. What’s believable about that? The guy hooked up with Jesse Spano , Kelly Kapowski (pre-Zack Morris, right?) and Ali Landry!

Melissa Joan Hart ruins almost everything she touches, except for Can’t Hardly Wait. She was perfect as the crazy yearbook girl, plus it’s tough to ruin a movie that starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime, you know, before she got…fat. Everything else has sucked — Clarissa Explains It All, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and especially her crappy cameo in the Britney Spears video for “Drive Me Crazy.” Come to think of it, that may have been the point that Britney started to lose it.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Holiday Drama

I just saw a commercial promoting the return of Newport Harbor. It appears they are doing a special four-episode run focused on the kids' return home for the holidays. Get excited. It starts next Wednesday at 10:30. This will be a good Christmas.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

A Little Extra Warmth

On my walk to the subway this morning, I saw a homeless man shaving with a battery-powered razor outside of the K-mart in Astor Place. He was using the very reflective glass on the east side of the store as his mirror.

This struck me as odd, and not because there was a homeless guy shaving with a battery-powered razor. I’ve seen much stranger things in the city, and besides, the homeless are a wily bunch with clever methods – picking through garbage, a barter system, etc. – of obtaining battery-powered razors with working batteries.

What struck me as odd was that this homeless man was shaving his beard in the middle of the winter just as the temperature has dropped dramatically. I’m inclined to think that this beard would help keep this man’s face warm. If I had seen this man shaving in the summer, I wouldn’t have had any qualms about it. Obviously, the beard would’ve made him sweat too much, and nobody, not even the homeless, likes sweating too much.

This guy had parked his shopping cart full of his life’s belongings next to the curb while he shaved. Best case scenario, let’s say the cart contained a thick blanket, his cardboard shelter and perhaps even his matches to light his nightly barrel fire. If I were him, I still would’ve kept the beard. I’ll take anything that provides even a little extra warmth.