Thursday, September 27, 2007

Claudio Ranieri Wants to Play Craps

Dear Rochester Knights,

As part of their ongoing Filipino outreach program, Coach and Mrs. Renzi invited my sister and me for dinner over Labor Day weekend. I hadn’t been there for some time, so I nearly forgot the “Key > Key > 4 > 3 > 2 > 1” code to unlock the gate to Oakwood Estates. If I had forgotten, I could’ve called any number of people from southeast Michigan born between 1980 and 1986, and I’m sure one of them could’ve given it to me.

In any case, after Coach was done bitching about his “unfair” sacking by Roman Abramovich and claiming he could’ve won the Champions League, he mentioned we should all get together for a Thanksgiving reunion at a Detroit casino for dinner and gambling. I, for one, will not be gambling, seeing as 1) I devote approximately 95% of my post-tax/post-401k salary to NYC rent, and 2) I’m the responsible Knight—hence my appointment as organizer of this event. (Side Note: For you Knights that don’t invest in a 401k, you should start. It’ll allow you to eat caviar and pay expensive Japanese hookers when you’re a retired 80-year-old man.)

After the feast & gambling excursion, I’m thinking we could head back to the old basement, drink more and plan my engagement party while listening to “Africa” by Toto. It could be just like old times: I’ll get a keg of Bud Light from Harry’s with my fake Ohio ID, Matalavy will be on the phone with his girlfriend, Steve & Karl will be playing acoustic versions of their favorite Dashboard songs while sitting much too close to one another, Dominic will be dominating, Trey will be dancing, Dan will be falling asleep at midnight, Chris will be hiding in the closet of the back bedroom to see if he can spy on Alexander getting naked with a female and Larin will be Larinizing in an effort to have his picture posted on Then, we can tiptoe around the kitchen and eat all the leftover pasta, meatballs, bread and chocolate mousse at 3am while Jaber cries about being de-Knighted.

Pass this on to all the Knights. I’ll send out an E-mail in a couple of weeks to get the scheduling started. Leave me your E-mail address through Facebook, MySpace or the comments section of this post. And if there is a huge demand, we’ll throw some strippers into the mix.

I now leave you with some quotes by the great J.P. Renzi:

“78% of the balls that don’t go on goal, don’t go in the net.”

“Hey! What is this?! These fucking guys!”

"Who wants some chewing gums?"

"I brought dates."

"First gear!…Second gear!…Third gear!"

"What is it with these (h)ospital balls?!"

"Thank you!"

"No square balls!" (Much funnier when printed.)

"Last play!" 15 minutes later…"Last play!"

"You are not a Knight," to Jeff Jaber.


“I mean, is he a fricken dyslexic?”

“Fifty years old! And I am not even warmed up!”


“If you do that one more time, I am going to come over there and put my
nine-and-a-half up your rear end!”

“These fricken bozos.”

“Don't shoot until you are warmed up! If I see one more shot before you
are sweating…!

"If I'm having a party, my son will say 'I will bring the drinks,'
Chris will say 'I will bring the food' and Jeff will say 'I will bring my

“Ey yi yi yiyiyiyiyiy”

“I mean, are you fricken retarded?”

“I could’ve won the treble with Drogba!” (Still being verified.)

1 comment:

  1. "Ahhh....C+. B-. D. (Grades were given according to the amount of sweat on our forheads.)