Thursday, September 27, 2007

Claudio Ranieri Wants to Play Craps

Dear Rochester Knights,

As part of their ongoing Filipino outreach program, Coach and Mrs. Renzi invited my sister and me for dinner over Labor Day weekend. I hadn’t been there for some time, so I nearly forgot the “Key > Key > 4 > 3 > 2 > 1” code to unlock the gate to Oakwood Estates. If I had forgotten, I could’ve called any number of people from southeast Michigan born between 1980 and 1986, and I’m sure one of them could’ve given it to me.

In any case, after Coach was done bitching about his “unfair” sacking by Roman Abramovich and claiming he could’ve won the Champions League, he mentioned we should all get together for a Thanksgiving reunion at a Detroit casino for dinner and gambling. I, for one, will not be gambling, seeing as 1) I devote approximately 95% of my post-tax/post-401k salary to NYC rent, and 2) I’m the responsible Knight—hence my appointment as organizer of this event. (Side Note: For you Knights that don’t invest in a 401k, you should start. It’ll allow you to eat caviar and pay expensive Japanese hookers when you’re a retired 80-year-old man.)

After the feast & gambling excursion, I’m thinking we could head back to the old basement, drink more and plan my engagement party while listening to “Africa” by Toto. It could be just like old times: I’ll get a keg of Bud Light from Harry’s with my fake Ohio ID, Matalavy will be on the phone with his girlfriend, Steve & Karl will be playing acoustic versions of their favorite Dashboard songs while sitting much too close to one another, Dominic will be dominating, Trey will be dancing, Dan will be falling asleep at midnight, Chris will be hiding in the closet of the back bedroom to see if he can spy on Alexander getting naked with a female and Larin will be Larinizing in an effort to have his picture posted on Then, we can tiptoe around the kitchen and eat all the leftover pasta, meatballs, bread and chocolate mousse at 3am while Jaber cries about being de-Knighted.

Pass this on to all the Knights. I’ll send out an E-mail in a couple of weeks to get the scheduling started. Leave me your E-mail address through Facebook, MySpace or the comments section of this post. And if there is a huge demand, we’ll throw some strippers into the mix.

I now leave you with some quotes by the great J.P. Renzi:

“78% of the balls that don’t go on goal, don’t go in the net.”

“Hey! What is this?! These fucking guys!”

"Who wants some chewing gums?"

"I brought dates."

"First gear!…Second gear!…Third gear!"

"What is it with these (h)ospital balls?!"

"Thank you!"

"No square balls!" (Much funnier when printed.)

"Last play!" 15 minutes later…"Last play!"

"You are not a Knight," to Jeff Jaber.


“I mean, is he a fricken dyslexic?”

“Fifty years old! And I am not even warmed up!”


“If you do that one more time, I am going to come over there and put my
nine-and-a-half up your rear end!”

“These fricken bozos.”

“Don't shoot until you are warmed up! If I see one more shot before you
are sweating…!

"If I'm having a party, my son will say 'I will bring the drinks,'
Chris will say 'I will bring the food' and Jeff will say 'I will bring my

“Ey yi yi yiyiyiyiyiy”

“I mean, are you fricken retarded?”

“I could’ve won the treble with Drogba!” (Still being verified.)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Music News

Our office has randomly been hosting musicians with new CDs and/or tours for a lunchtime acoustic session. Usually, they’re upcoming artists, but once in awhile we get someone more famous.

A couple of months ago, Richie Sambora played an acoustic set. He played one or two new songs and a couple of old Bon Jovi tunes. He was pretty funny, poking fun at his age and single status.

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of listening to Hanson. Yes. That Hanson. A large crowd showed up hoping they’d play MMMBop. Unfortunately, they only played songs from their new CD. I will admit that they do sound great together; puberty did not destroy their harmony.

Overall, they were pretty nice. They brought copies of their new CD and stayed afterward to talk and sign them. Of course, I immediately jumped to grab one and got it signed by all three brothers. I was one of probably only four guys that did this. Everyone else was a female.

On another note, Lenny Kravitz is in Brazil. He isn’t in Rio though. He’s “in the mountains with parrots and monkeys and waterfalls.” He’s busy being introspective and looking inward so he can grow and be himself. I thought you might want to know what Lenny has been up to.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Extra Work

Last night, I stopped by Washington Square Park to catch the last day of filming for The Echo, the US remake of Yam Laranas’ Filipino movie Sigaw. Yam and I became friends while I was going on location shoots around the Philippines to film the Smart-DOT commercial. He flew into the city from Toronto to shoot the remaining scenes of the movie. He wanted his friends in the city to be extras in the movie, and since I have extensive experience as a model/actor, I showed up.

The earlier part of the evening was fairly uneventful. I showed up, greeted Yam, and he introduced me to the star of the movie—Jesse Bradford. That’s right. Cliff Pantone from Bring It On in the flesh. He was only about 5’8”, which wasn’t as tall as I expected, but he had a firm handshake and was pretty nice. And he was in Bring It On, so I respect the hell out of him. Also, he had a very hot girlfriend who was riding one of those old school bikes you see the girls from Newport Harbor riding around town.

From about 8-10pm, they filmed a scene of Jesse walking down the sidewalk across from the north side of the park and just east of 5th Avenue. The PA’s spent the better part of that time telling passers-by that this is not the Sex & the City movie and to stop taking flash photography because it would ruin the scene. We also kept staring at this huge pile of dog poop on the street that was stinking up the area. It also claimed several members of the crew as victims. They eventually put a couple cones over it.

What was I doing during this time? Mainly, I was avoiding the dog poop, listening to the jokes and eating chips & salsa, honey wheat pretzels and Almond Joy mini bars. (Side Note: I still do not understand the naming convention between Mounds and Almond Joy. Wouldn’t it have made sense to name the candy bar with protruding lumps, Mounds? They could’ve named the coconut bar something else like Coconut Joy.)

Finally, around 10:15, I and a group of the producer’s 30-something friends were summoned to be drunk partiers hanging out on the sidewalk after a long night of partying. I sincerely hope that the scene is set on a Thursday night because I don’t know too many people that go out on a Saturday night decked out in their business suits/skirts while lugging around large messenger bags. If you happen to see this movie when it’s released, and you see a sidewalk scene with drunk people dressed in suits and messenger bags, look for my metallic salmon button down and moss green Tumi bag.

Also, I want to point out that the 30-something friends knew Jesse Bradford not from Flags of our Fathers, but rather, Bring It On. They even invoked, “It’s already been brought-en.” I had to inform them that the line was actually from Not Another Teen Movie, but commended them on their fine choice of films.

It only should have taken about 15-20 minutes to get all the necessary takes for that scene, but a scuffle broke out. Some cabbie turning east from 5th Avenue was talking shit was some guy walking down the street. The cabbie stopped his car mid-turn and in the middle of the intersection, got out of the car, and was immediately knocked the fuck out by the guy on the street. I was about fifty feet away, but I saw the street guy wind up, land the punch and send the cabbie straight to the ground.

Within five minutes, a fire truck, ambulance and three police cars showed up. The cabbie was in terrible shape. He was convulsing and lying in a pool of blood. It was nasty. They actually had to open a fire hydrant to wash the blood away.

After the police took witnesses—luckily no one from the scene had to be taken—we continued filming and ended around 11pm. I grabbed a few final bites of chips & salsa, stuffed a few Almond Joy bars in my pocket for the walk home and said my farewell to the director.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I would like to point out that there are a ton of cute, attractive females walking around Washington Square Park on Thursday night. I’m not sure if they’re always there, or if they were just lurking in an attempt to get into a movie, but they were abundant.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Wash Your Hands

You know what disgusts me? People at work who don’t wash their hands when they come out of the bathroom.

It’s one thing to be the lone person to leave the bathroom and not wash your hands, which is gross. But there are people who blatantly don’t wash their hands even while there are other employees in the bathroom at the same time, and they’ll notice if you don’t wash.

This has happened at least five times since I started last June. That is five times too many. In the spirit of National Clean Hands Week, please wash your hands.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What's Love Gotta Do With It?

I just want to thank Heidi and Spencer again for coming into our lives.

Look at Spencer in the background. If we’re lucky, this could turn into the 21st century, white version of Ike & Tina Turner.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Crying Baby

One of the things I dread most in life is when a girl calls me up crying. When a girl calls and I hear sobbing on the other end of the line, one of the following may have happened:

  • She is calling to break up with you.
  • She had one too many tequila shots and cheated on you.
  • She cheated on you. Period.
  • A major tragedy just occurred.
  • She just got into a massive fight with best friend/co-worker/significant other/parent/etc. (Note: If you are not dating the girl and she constantly calls you in tears to rant about the massive argument she just had with one of the aforementioned people, then you are officially that guy who is the “best friend” who is always there to listen and be the shoulder to cry on, but you’re just really in love with her. Take charge loser. Ask her to prom and profess your love.)

If a girl calls for one of the latter two reasons, I have major issues. I’m completely awkward. I’m very good at listening, but I never know what to say. I always try to say something, but it always ends up being cliché (“It’ll be OK”) or totally idiotic (“Oh…uhh…yeah…that sucks”).

For conversational purposes, I almost wish a girl would call for one of the first three reasons. At least in those situations, conversation will flow very easily. There’s nothing like a good shouting match over the phone. At the very least, there’ll be at least one very emotionally charged and natural “Fuck you” in the conversation.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Video Music Awards/Drinkfest at the Palms

Britney’s performance was so bad, I felt as if she channeled the ghost of Lance Bass before he joined *NSYNC and had to be taught to dance.

Sarah Silverman is annoying as hell. Who was the genius that gave the green light for her own TV show?

Nicole Scherzinger is super hot. Apparently, not all half-Filipino women have to show their boobs online (see previous post).

How did an American Idol runner-up and the son of Jason Seaver (for those of you who forgot, that’s Alan Thicke from Growing Pains) become the heirs to R&B royalty?

Is everyone at the show at least 21? Akon is in the house.

Who saw Ashanti during the Chris Brown/Rihanna peformance? Where was Ja Rule?

I often wonder if Lauren Conrad feels naked without her headband.

Quote from the GF during the Timbaland, Timberlake and 50 Cent performance: “Whatever happened to Magoo?” I hope he hasn’t met the same fate as Fitch or The Funky Bunch.

Did anyone really think that something wasn’t going to happen between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee with Pam Anderson there?

Friday, September 07, 2007

High School Musi...Photo Shoot

Vanessa Hudgens' publicist confirmed that the nude photo was, in fact, her. Sweet. Another half-Filipino girl named Vanessa who is dating a guy that may or may not be a homosexual.

Monday, September 03, 2007

To Catch Facebook Friend

For those of you that are unaware, I have sister who is ten years younger than me—The Little Taquito, if you will. (I also have a brother who is three years younger. But he’s much taller than me and is fairly proficient at Spanish, so we could refer to him as El Burrito Grande.) In any case she and her little clique recently expanded their participation in stalker directories by signing up for Facebook.

This really didn’t matter to me except that one of her pals just requested me to be her friend. I let the invitation linger for a week; I wasn’t sure whether it is acceptable to have a 14- or 15-year-old as a friend on Facebook. Also, I wasn’t sure if this would open a floodgate of requests from the rest of her crew.

Finally, I just got sick of seeing the friendship notification on the top right of my screen each time I logged on to Facebook, so I just accepted the friend request. Hopefully, Chris Hansen won’t show up at my door.