Monday, August 20, 2007

Sun, Sand, Freeways and Drama

Writer’s Note: Due to an ongoing dispute involving my roommates and I, our property management company and Time Warner Cable, I still do not have cable at my apartment even though I’ve lived there since May. Therefore, I cannot watch the shows until the weekend. This is why you are getting commentary several days late.

Newport Harbor

Laguna…I mean Newport Harbor is back! They shot the program over a six month period in the city of Newport Beach, California. I want to know why they couldn’t just call it Newport Beach. Was it too logical to name the show after the city in which it was filmed?

When I first viewed the trailer, my immediate reaction was displeasure with the move away from Laguna and the new title. That all changed once I watched the rest of the trailer and saw the vapid characters that were coming my way. I could feel the drama oozing from my computer screen.

Because we have a new cast, we have a new narrator. Gone is the whiny voice of Tessa. Our new narrator is the very attractive daddy’s girl, Chrissy. I was lost during her summary of the love triangles and relationships within the group of friends. I just kept getting lost in the names – Grant, Chase and Clay. I felt like I was watching a Days of Our Lives episode.

Predictably, they opened the show with a song about California. You know—a song which mentions something about the sun, the sand and either the 405 or the 101? OK. We get it. The show is set in California. You have fantastic weather, gorgeous beaches and congested freeways. Sweet. Pick more original songs. I’m even willing to entertain the Dashboard Confessional strategy. Remember when they played Dashboard or a Dashboard cover in each of the first three episodes from last season? Don’t forget they used him in Seasons 1 and 2 also. I think Chris Carabba made his entire fortune just from the royalties he was paid for the use of his music on this show. The entrance to his home should say, “The House That Laguna Built.” In this case, it was “Going to California” by Wave, which I happen to like, but was way too obvious.

In any case, I immediately forgot about the confusing intro and predictable music once they showed the opening scene—Chrissy and her friend practicing their service games. I admire a girl that can play sports and looks good doing it.

At this point, the only thing that bothers me about Chrissy is that she always refers to her father as “Daddy.” There is something slightly creepy about this. The only times girls should refer to anyone as “Daddy” are: 1) when they are 5-years-old and asking their dad’s to buy them a toy, 2) if it is in the context of a pornographic production or 3)if it is an LL Cool J song (listen to intro of “Loungin” and see lyrics for “Doin’ It”).

My general opinion of Allie is this—she is the town whore/home wrecker, and I don’t like her. She has a weird accent, her boobs may or may not be fake, she and everyone else think she’s more attractive than she actually is and her friend is super annoying. (Her friend is annoying for two reasons: 1) she has an extremely irritating, high-pitched voice and 2) she looks like a 10-years-old.)

Of everything I just listed, having a super annoying friend is the least redeeming quality any person can have. I can get over everything else—I can eventually become accustomed to a weird accent; debating whether boobs are fake is a great American pastime; and I can always keep telling myself that the girl is unattractive even if the world thinks otherwise. An irritating friend is something you cannot avoid. No matter how cool or fun you may be, there is a great feeling of despair anytime people hear that your unlikable friend will be there with you. Sure, people will still have a good time, but that friend will surely find a way to put a damper on the night at some point.

Clay and Grant are the most amazing conversationalists of all time. Their conversations consist of the following: paddling their boards, waves, chillin’, being stoked, chicks that are hot, hittin’ that, uhhhhh, like crazy bro and nooooo (Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure style). I look forward to their dialogue for the rest of the season.

They actually remind me of my old futbol teammate, Larin. He is the hottest guy you’ll ever lay eyes on. HGOC said it best the other day, “It goes Larin, God and everybody else.” As we would say, these guys Larinize. Larinizing consists of three activities: working out, tanning and dyeing your hair blonde. You must accomplish two of the three activities on a daily basis if you are considered to be Larinizing.

Lastly, I’d like to applaud the real stars of the premiere episode—Chrissy’s parents. I believe they’re the only parents in the history of the show who’ve actually lived up to their title. Congratulations on recognizing the fact that your daughter may hook up with multiple gentleman during an unchaperoned weekend getaway at Palm Springs. I’d give you an award, but you shouldn’t get a trophy for doing your job.

My prediction for the season—the people, the location and the drama…will be real.

The Hills

I’d just like to state for the record that after Season 1, I thought this show sucked. I’d personally like to thank Heidi and Spencer for making this show entertaining. Now, here are my thoughts.

The opening scene was terrible. I really hope that Whitney truly wants a career at Teen Vogue and isn’t just using this show as a platform to launch her acting career. To say her scripted questions were poorly delivered would be a compliment. The only saving grace of that entire scene was that Lauren was forced to refer to the sex tape rumors as an “inappropriate video.”

Also, why are Lauren and Whitney still sitting next to each other in the glorified supply closet? Lauren is still an intern. Whitney actually has a full-time position. Shouldn’t she be in a cube with the rest of the drones?

It’s good to see Lo and Jen are milking their friendships for face time. I don’t have a problem with Lo since I always enjoyed her presence, and she really was Lauren’s best friend from high school. Jen is crazy though. I think she’s jealous that she was only able to get a total of five minutes of screen time from two seasons of Laguna and two seasons of The Hills. That means she’s only been able to get 1.25 minutes of air time for each season of each show where she’s made a cameo. At least she didn’t have to suffer the fate of Talan, who got to be on the opening credits but was so rarely featured on Laguna that he resorted to proposing to Kim Stewart. Nasty.

Heidi definitely had a boob job. I was pretty certain she got implants after seeing some beach pictures online, but I was 100% confident in that assessment after I saw her in the dress she wore for her friend’s party at—surprise!—Les Deux. The crew going to Les Deux is about as stunning as the producers of Laguna and The Hills picking a song about California weather, beaches and freeways as the lead-in from a commercial break.

Spencer is the poster child for why guys shouldn’t be allowed to decorate apartments. Graffiti. Really? Not only that, but he plastered, “Hollywood” across the main wall of his living room. Does he really need a reminder of where he lives? My roommates and I have been thinking of decorating ideas for the main walls in our kitchen and living room. I’m thinking a split screen would be perfect for our kitchen. It would say “East Village” on the left part of the wall and it would have the alphabet on the right side of the wall. This would remind me that upon walking out of my apartment, if I turn to the left I’d stay in the East Village, and if I turn to the right I’ll be in Alphabet City.

I hope Justin is a recurring character. That hair is reminiscent of the dude from The Mummy. He seems so deep and interesting. He does have a lot of things going for him. I already mentioned it, but it’s worth repeating, he has the most amazing hair. He needs to have Audrina cut his food for him. Lastly and most importantly, he wants to change his name to Bobby.

Congratulations to Spencer and Heidi on their engagement—I think. Are they engaged? Was that even a real engagement ring? He bought it from what looked like a clothing boutique, and he was trying to borrow Brody’s credit card to buy it. His proposal was ridiculous. It was as if they were 1st grade sandbox playmates with crushes on one another, so he asked his mom to get a toy ring from the 25 cent vending machine you find at grocery stores where they also sell gumballs, rubber bouncy balls and stickers. Then, he didn’t know how to quite give it to her so he just held out his hand with the ring while he mumbled some gibberish. That is what it felt like to me. The only hint of a proposal was that he casually mentioned that, like, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Team Heidi!

By the way, Brody’s reaction was perfect. It’s what any friend would’ve done. Why get married at 23? Unless you’re the baby’s daddy, then marry away!

Kathy Conrad is a hot mom. If you’re a follower of the “see what her mom looks like to see if she’s marriage material” school of thought, then she is the prime example of why you should marry Lauren.

Lastly, I’d like to thank the official sponsor of Season 3—Red Bull Sugarfree.


  1. Its nice to have you back.

    An FYI for your readers-Les Deux in french means the two. When people say they are going to Les Deux, it means they are going to the two. Unfortunatly, in french, the two is a common reference for a males ball sack. Ladies and gentleman, hollywood is so cheesy that they are running out of names for clubs so they just pick any combination without giving it any thought. In this case, people are lining up out the door to get into a scrotum. If you need me i'll be at area, or opera, or avalon, etc. God I hate this city


  2. glad to have you back i have another website to read

  3. and you're hooked on these shows again. hahaha.

    this post is craaaazzzyyy. haha. love it.