Thursday, December 27, 2007

Clayboy, G-Bone & Lawn Reindeer

Grant is breaking new ground in reality TV quotes. In this episode alone, I laughed out loud at least five times just from hearing him speak. Some of his quotes are below.

On Billy: “He’s a douche.”

While prepping the food for the barbecue: “I called a couple younger reinforcements of Newport Harbor. We’re going to be hanging out with booty like tonight for the rest of the year.”

Getting ready to jump in the pool with the Taylor and Alex: “How about you guys get in your sexy little swimsuits? Clayboy—G-Bone needs a bathing suit.”

That pool scene had to be one of the most awkwardly hot scenes in the history of teenage reality TV. I felt like it was the start of a late night skin flick on Cinemax, except it was Clayboy & G-bone spitting crazy, mediocre game at high school juniors. It has the potential to go down as one of the most re-watched segments in MTV Overdrive history.

(Side Note: After Newport Harbor has run its course, someone at MTV needs to give Clayboy & G-Bone their own show. It would be the funniest show in the history of MTV. It could be the same idea as The Hills except they “intern” for Quicksilver or another surfing brand. I would watch that show religiously.)

Thanksgiving at the Chrissy household was ridiculous. Why wouldn’t Chase, Allie, Kylie and Sasha have dinner with their families? We know Chase & Sasha are from Newport. We found out that Allie is from San Diego. Kylie is apparently an orphan.

Also, they did the whole “Giving Thanks” ritual where they state things for which they’re thankful. I’ve written about this before and don’t believe people actually do this. I need to know whether that family actually does this each year or the producers made them do it. With someone as cheesy as Chrissy’s dad, I would totally believe they do this every year. All I know is that if I were invited somewhere for Thanksgiving and was asked to say what I’m thankful for, I may freak out because of nervousness and my opposition to this ritual.

Another thing about Chrissy’s dad is that he can’t stop asking about people’s relationships. That guy has no fear/shame. He just blatantly asked Chase and Allie about their status. When they panned to Chrissy’s face, you could see the horrified smile of embarrassment on her face.

(Side Note: Why were the holiday reindeer already out on the lawn in front of Chrissy’s house. It was only Thanksgiving! As I’ve stated before, Christmas should wait until at least after Thanksgiving. Also, my family has reindeer on our front lawn. I’ve wanted to put my own reindeer in compromising situations. Is that weird? I just thought it would be funny.)

My last thought about the third episode—Sasha was once again looking stunning and seemingly the only person who is sane, rational and doesn’t have too much drama going on for her, which sadly is the reason she’ll only get 30 seconds of airtime each episode.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Detroit Rock City

I’m listening to a live version of “Strutter” by KISS. And it is awesome. I believe I think it is awesome for three reasons:

1. I watched a KISS concert on VH1 Classic (yesterday afternoon)
2. I just finished reading Fargo Rock City (this morning)
3. I hit 100% of the notes for "Strutter" on medium difficulty on Guitar Hero II (sometime in July)

These three reasons, particularly #1, also have made me desire to see KISS live in concert. I didn’t know 90% of the songs they performed during this concert, but they know how to rock. And The Dirty Burrito wants to rock with KISS*.

*Only if Ace Frehley is playing lead guitar.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Overhead Issues

I flew to Detroit from New York on Wednesday evening. Surprisingly, my flight was on time. This was probably the first flight I’ve taken out of New York that was on time and didn’t depart at 7am in the morning.

As expected, the flight was fully booked. I usually get a little nervous prior to boarding because I’m always worried I’ll be one of the last to board the plane and won’t have any space for my carry-on. I avoid checking baggage at all costs because the airlines usually lose it, and I feel like I wait an eternity to pick it up from the carousel.

Luckily, my ticket indicated I was in boarding Zone 4 of 6. I felt I had a decent chance of getting some overhead space for my bag. It turned out I had tons of space for my bag. I would’ve even been fine if I was in Zone 5.

In any case, one some idiot who boarded after me had one of those roll-aboards that don’t fit width-wise (i.e., shorter side against the back of the compartment) in the overheard compartment. The only way it would fit was to place it inside length-wise (i.e., longer side against the back).

I hate these bags that only fit length-wise. It is a complete waste of space. These bags eventually take up spaces where two bags could’ve fit, and they leave this useless two-inch space where you can’t put anything except maybe a jacket. And that leads me to another annoying article in overhead bins—jackets. Don’t waste space in the overheads with your jackets! Would it kill you to keep the jacket on or on your lap for the duration of the flight?

Anyway, back to this idiot with the roll-aboard. His luggage was the last one for that particular overhead bin. He tried placing it width-wise because that’s the only way it would even go in. Unfortunately, it was just a hair too long for the bin to be shut, so he tried slamming the door. No luck. What does he do next? He just smiled, giggled a little bit and raised his arms to the sides in the “I don’t know” action and sat down.

What the hell does that solve? Did he think the flight attendant had a magic technique to make the door close? This guy was in his 50s. Certainly, he could’ve been a little more responsible and actually contacted someone for help. Instead, he just sat there like a child waiting for mommy and daddy to solve the problem.

Thankfully, the flight attendant was a semi-bitch who saw the whole thing unfold and called him out on it. The guy was still smiling in his seat when the attendant asked him if the bin could close. Obviously, the answer was still “No.” So she says to the guy, “Well this plane isn’t going anywhere until that bin is shut.”

I desperately wanted say something like “You got served!” Instead I just watched in delight as this guy embarrassingly stood up and just looked around like a clueless moron. Finally, the semi-bitch just came to his rescue and moved stuff around for him and found him some space.

Why did I tell you this story? I hate lazy people who think others will always take care of problems for them. I almost wouldn’t have minded being delayed just to see this guy stumble around the aisle for another 5-10 minutes.

Random Newport Thoughts

After another episode of Greek Harbor, I can’t help but feel annoyed by Chrissy’s new friends—Billy, Allie & Kylie. They all seem like impostors and leaches. They give me the same feeling that Jen Bunney gives me on The Hills. They feel like fake friends.

I particularly don’t like Billy. My feelings about him being a complete d-bag are much stronger. He seemed to be a huge tool at that party, especially any time there was conversation of “the Lindsays.” Also, his voice always annoyed me. When I listen to Grant & Clay speak to each other, it’s like listening to Spicoli and Spicoli-lite, which, as I’ve stated before, is highly enjoyable. (Side note: I can’t believe Sean Penn ever played a character like Jeff Spicoli. He has to be one of the most serious people in the industry, yet he set the gold standard for beach bum stoner characters.) But listening to Billy is different. His accent isn’t exactly stereotypical California skater/surfer. I couldn’t really put my finger on it but after watching that super contrived picnic table conversation, I decided that it sounded more like Tim Gunn-lite. (Tim Gunn is Heidi Klum’s co-host on Project Runway.)

Allie & Kylie, Chrissy’s sorority sisters, are just blah. They’re about as exciting as the two model cars on my desk. They’re somewhat cool to look at once in awhile, but other than that, they are fairly useless.

I had to re-watch (I doubt that’s a word, but whatever) the episode on MTV Overdrive because I missed the first five minutes of the original airing. I caught a difference in soundtrack on the Web version. For the party scene, they played “Gimme More” by Britney Spears. I vividly remember the party scene opening with “It’s Britney bitch.”

When I watched Overdrive, they replaced “Gimme More” with two other random songs. I want to know why the hell they did that. I thought it was way more effective to use “Gimme More.”

The whole Chase & Kylie “relationship” story arc needs to end. Nothing about that seems genuine or even piques my interest whatsoever. If they just randomly never mentioned that storyline again, I wouldn’t even question what happened to it. Please, just end it.

The break-up scene was brutal. Chrissy was a major bitch. Her whole speech about how Clay should hang out with high school girls and she should go hang out with college guys because high school and college are so different was a total snob move.

And that speech about not being ready to move on to another relationship right away was a complete lie. She’s completely ready to move on to another relationship. That’s why she’s breaking up with Clay. Also, I’ve had that exact story pulled on me before. I totally bought it. So sad. I’m never falling for that again! (Ladies—please confirm whether this is one of those break-up lines that you use like “It’s not you, it’s me.”)

Chrissy definitely gained weight. I’m not saying she’s fat, but she’s on TV now. She definitely gained the frosh 15. Sasha, on the other hand, has just gotten better. She was on the preview for the next episode and looked fantastic. We need more Sasha and less Kylie & Allie.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Spears Family Gets Hit with Baby One More Time

Last night it was confirmed that 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears, holder of the most anticipated 18th birthday since the Olson twins, is pregnant. The father is her longtime boyfriend, Casey Aldridge. They supposedly met at church, which goes to show that church is a great place to meet girls.

I need to know this guy’s age. Is he over 18? If so, can someone charge him with statutory? Also, I wonder if this Casey guy can live up to his counterpart, K-Fed, who Details recently named the one of the most powerful men under the age of 45 for being a good father.

I think my favorite part of this story is Lynne Spears’ quote in the Associated Press story:

"I didn't believe it because Jamie Lynn's always been so conscientious. She's never late for her curfew. I was in shock. I mean, this is my 16-year-old baby."

There was obviously nothing to worry about since she made curfew every night. Did her mom really think the only time Jamie Lynn and her boyfriend could have sex was late at night after curfew?

Why wasn’t Jamie Lynn on the pill? Didn’t she have some close advisors to give her this kind of guidance? When you’re 16 and have a hit show on Nickelodeon, you should do everything in your power not to screw it up. This isn’t the Nickelodeon of my childhood where the best shows were low budget productions like Hey Dude!, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Welcome Freshmen and Salute Your Shorts. This is 21st century Nickelodeon where a hit show leads to a multi-million dollar career.

The least she could’ve done before getting pregnant by some sleazebag was to pose for Maxim when she turned 18 and crank out some mediocre films where she shakes her ass (See Alba, Jessica in Honey, Sin City, Fantastic Four and Into the Blue). Now, she’s probably just going to end up like Solange Knowles. Who is that? Exactly.

The Spears family would just be another white trash family from a trailer park in La. Luckily, Britney and Jamie Lynn hit the big time, so the Spears could afford to be a white trash family living in mansions in L.A.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Greek Harbor

For those who don’t know, Newport Harbor is back for a special four-episode run titled “Home for the Holidays.” I was so stoked for the show that I watched it last night after my 10:30 soccer game, which I played in 25 degree weather.

Each time a new season of Laguna/Newport premiers, I’m always pretty giddy about the forthcoming episodes, but not this time. I had this crazy feeling that I was an outsider at a frat party.

Let me take you on The Dirty DeLorean back through time. Think back to Welcome Week during your freshman year of college. It seemed like there was an abundance of crazy parties being thrown that week. Unless you or your friends knew older people at school who had their own houses or apartments, I’m guessing that a majority of the parties you heard about were thrown by frats. After all, they were trying to attract the best recruits (and hottest freshman girls) for the upcoming rush period.

If you went to any of these parties, you probably waited in a ridiculous line while some hardass at the door decided whether you were with enough attractive females before letting you inside. Why did you do this? Well, of course, to drink warm Schlitz Bull Ice and Black Label! (Side note: Could “warm Schlitz Bull Ice” qualify as an oxymoron?)

After you got in, you suddenly realized that you don’t know anyone at the party other than the people you came with. Essentially, you waited in line so you could go to a crowded party in a dirty frat house where you don’t know anyone and drink warm shitty beer. And you enjoyed this. Most likely, the only reason you enjoyed this was because of the massive amounts of nicely chilled alcohol you drank in your dorm room prior to venturing out for the evening.

In any case, watching last night’s episode was like being in that party. It just got off to a bad start when Chrissy mentioned she was in a sorority within the first 10 seconds of the show. Now, I have nothing against sorority girls. I’m friends with several of them. They also tend to be very good looking, as was the case with her two UCSB friends, who happened to look like clones with different colored hair. The problem I had was that these were sorority girls who just started college and just joined a sorority. All they ever talk about is their sorority, the drama that surrounds it and guys from fraternities.

Again, I just want to be clear. Just because I’m a GDI, it doesn’t mean I’m anti-Greek. In fact, I lived with some fraternity guys in their off-campus house during my junior and senior years. Why did they ask me and two of my friends to live with them? I have no idea. But I was unexpectedly hazed, and it was great (that IS me in the picture above).

I’m merely expressing my displeasure with the way “Home for the Holidays” started. If I wanted to relive that part of my life, I’d just go back to Ann Arbor and do it in person. At least I’d have warm Schlitz Bull Ice to comfort me. Plus, I could play the part of creepy older guy.

In conclusion, I hope the three remaining episodes stop giving me that weird outsider feeling. They can start with cutting out all the Greek talk. There is a way to play up the whole Chrissy-Billy-Clay love triangle drama without mentioning sorority sisters and fraternities. I know the storyboard editors didn’t go on strike, so I hope they stepped it up a little bit for the rest of the episodes.

Before I end this post, I have a few random thoughts about the first episode:

  • I thought both Kylie and Allie, Chrissy’s sorority sisters, were pretty cute. I can’t decide who looked better. Right now, my gut tells me the brunette—Allie. I’ll let you know my final verdict after all the episodes.
  • I can’t tell if Chrissy gained the Freshman 15. Some clothes and angles make it look like she did, and other don’t. Any thoughts?
  • The Like Sisters are like still like annoying as hell. And Allie like definitely looks strange without like bangs.
  • Sasha. Beautiful. Great person.
  • Taylor always brings it strong with the hair.
  • The relationship between Chrissy and her father is still really weird. They really need to stop talking candidly about her kisses with boys.
  • Billy seems like a huge d-bag.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Clarissa Needs to Explain Why She Sucks

Melissa Joan Hart is terrible. On Sunday night, I watched the ABC Family original movie, Holiday in Handcuffs. I know it sounds like a porno, but just click the link for the IMDb synopsis. I don’t have the energy to explain the plot. Just know that Albert Clifford Slater co-starred in this film.

In any case, this was Hart’s second attempt at playing the female lead in a romantic comedy. Her first attempt was 1999’s Drive Me Crazy. It’s really no surprise to me that it took eight years for her to get another shot at carrying a movie.

Nothing about Melissa Joan Hart makes me think that she could play a romantic female lead. She isn’t attractive, she isn’t funny and she seems like an obsessive compulsive psycho. If you want to get me to connect with a romantic comedy please make sure your lead actress fulfills the criteria.

A main component of romance is physical attraction and since Hart isn’t attractive, the “romantic” part is immediately gone, so all you’re left with is a comedy. That would be fine, except she isn’t funny either, so the “comedy” part is gone. Basically, you’re left with an obsessive compulsive psycho who manages to win the affection of A.C. Slater. What’s believable about that? The guy hooked up with Jesse Spano , Kelly Kapowski (pre-Zack Morris, right?) and Ali Landry!

Melissa Joan Hart ruins almost everything she touches, except for Can’t Hardly Wait. She was perfect as the crazy yearbook girl, plus it’s tough to ruin a movie that starred Jennifer Love Hewitt in her prime, you know, before she got…fat. Everything else has sucked — Clarissa Explains It All, Sabrina, the Teenage Witch, and especially her crappy cameo in the Britney Spears video for “Drive Me Crazy.” Come to think of it, that may have been the point that Britney started to lose it.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Holiday Drama

I just saw a commercial promoting the return of Newport Harbor. It appears they are doing a special four-episode run focused on the kids' return home for the holidays. Get excited. It starts next Wednesday at 10:30. This will be a good Christmas.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

A Little Extra Warmth

On my walk to the subway this morning, I saw a homeless man shaving with a battery-powered razor outside of the K-mart in Astor Place. He was using the very reflective glass on the east side of the store as his mirror.

This struck me as odd, and not because there was a homeless guy shaving with a battery-powered razor. I’ve seen much stranger things in the city, and besides, the homeless are a wily bunch with clever methods – picking through garbage, a barter system, etc. – of obtaining battery-powered razors with working batteries.

What struck me as odd was that this homeless man was shaving his beard in the middle of the winter just as the temperature has dropped dramatically. I’m inclined to think that this beard would help keep this man’s face warm. If I had seen this man shaving in the summer, I wouldn’t have had any qualms about it. Obviously, the beard would’ve made him sweat too much, and nobody, not even the homeless, likes sweating too much.

This guy had parked his shopping cart full of his life’s belongings next to the curb while he shaved. Best case scenario, let’s say the cart contained a thick blanket, his cardboard shelter and perhaps even his matches to light his nightly barrel fire. If I were him, I still would’ve kept the beard. I’ll take anything that provides even a little extra warmth.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Love & Hip Hop

I was ridiculing The Little Taquito (aka my younger sister) last night for watching Love & Basketball. I’ve been told it’s a good movie, but I’ve only seen the climactic last scene where the two main characters play one-on-one to determine their love for one another. Based on my little sampling, I’m not inclined to want to see the rest of the movie.

However, I recognized Sanaa Lathan, who was also the female lead in Brown Sugar, and I recommended that she see that movie as well. During my recommendation, I had an epiphany. I said, “You should see Brown Sugar. It’s exactly the same movie as Love & Basketball, except you have Taye Diggs instead of Omar Epps and hip hop instead of basketball. Basically you could’ve have called it Love & Hip Hop.”

Monday, November 19, 2007

Premature Decorations

I just returned to Michigan for the Thanksgiving holiday. I walked into my house and was welcomed by the site of a fully decorated Christmas tree along with a spattering of other Christmas decorations around my house.

This disappoints me very much. At the very least, I wish my mother would’ve waited until after Thanksgiving to decorate. The Dirty Burrito would like to have his “homemade” corn bread and turkey before dishing out holiday cheer.

On a completely unrelated note, my mother sent our Wii to The Island for my cousins because it’s apparently much more difficult to get one there than here in the Americas. My week is ruined.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Fallout Boy

For Halloween this year, I had originally wanted to be Fallout Boy. Not Fall Out Boy, the band, but Fallout Boy, the sidekick to Radioactive Man from The Simpsons.

Why Fallout Boy? I like being superheroes, but the whole tights thing doesn’t really work when you’re drinking. I have been Spiderman, and it was a pain to have to reach back and undo my zipper every time I had to go to the bathroom. Fallout Boy addresses this problem by heroically wearing shorts.

I tried Googling “fallout boy,” but it gave me the band. I tried various searches, including “fallout boy milhouse” and “fallout boy radioactive man.” What really irks me is that I tried the very obvious “fallout boy simpsons” and got results for Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson! What’s wrong with this world?

If Google had been around in the early 90s, Milhouse would’ve popped up all over the place. Now, I get stuck with a band from Chicago.

For those who are interested, I ended up being a bumblebee. I tried to be Bumblebee Man from The Simpsons, but everyone thought I was just a bumblebee, period. After explaining my situation and saying “¡Ay, ay, ay, no me gusta!”to about three people, I just got sick of it all and succumbed to the fact that I was just a regular bumblebee, not that there is anything “regular” about a grown male walking around the city in a plush bee outfit.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Last Issue

I bought an issue of Details magazine last year and though it was a good enough read that I should get their really cheap subscription. I also mistakenly thought that it Details was Esquire, which is what I really wanted to get because Chuck Klosterman is a contributing writer there.

After a couple of issues it became pretty clear to me that Details sucked. I tried to give each issue a chance, but I just couldn’t take the half-assed articles and snooty fashion/grooming advice. Though I’ll admit that some of the advice was decent, like the one-pager on how to properly hem pants or the featured tutorial on the art of shaving, I don’t need to know that I shouldn’t be wearing square toed shoes or “mom” jeans.

I think my favorite story from the magazine is this article with the doorman from Socialista. I wasn’t actually annoyed by it; I was entertained by the article. But it wasn’t because it was a good article. Rather, it was so outrageously ridiculous. You have a magazine profiling a guy who’s made a career out of being a doorman, and he’s supposedly equipped to give out fashion advice because he’s been the “stylish gatekeeper” at all of the hottest clubs in NY. If he’s so stylish, why doesn’t he have a career in fashion?

I knew for a while that I wouldn’t renew my subscription, but Details kept sending me “last issue” notices. These have been going on for about three months and came in the form of letters and E-mails. I kept ignoring them. In an attempt to appeal to the vain part of my personality, the latest letter states, “The issue you miss might just be the one that contains the tip, the shirt, the suit, the heads up that will make a HUGE difference in your life.”

Was the feature on the advantages of acquiring a bespoke suit really going to make or break me? Or maybe it was the profile on the features of the latest Rolex that might’ve made a difference. Had I decided to follow the advice of either of these articles, I may just be making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year and sleeping with a Brazilian super model by now. Maybe, just maybe, I could’ve been Halle Berry’s baby daddy.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Latin American Domination

When it comes to highly attractive professional women, Latin America already dominates the world for occupations such as models, weather girls, morning & variety show co-hosts, news anchors and actresses.

Yesterday, they put the proverbial “nail in the coffin” when Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner won Argentina’s presidential election.

The Dirty Burrito congratulates Senora Kirchner on becoming Argentina’s first female (el/la?) presidente!

Friday, October 26, 2007

Phone Etiquette

Do kids nowadays know how to properly answer the phone? Almost everyone has a mobile device that shows you who is calling and most people have caller ID of some sort for their landlines. I feel like there isn’t really a need for kids today to ever say “May I please ask who’s calling?” They already know who is on the other line.

I thought of this random phone etiquette question because I almost broke my display screen this morning. I was worried about what I would do if I couldn’t see who was calling, but then two facts dawned upon me:

1) I had used rotary phones at one point in my life

2) There was a time when all the phones in my house were not cordless

After those realizations, I knew I was going to be fine. Am I just a crazy old man complaining about “those kids these days,” or do I have a legitimate point?

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Nice, Pink and Tight

…to the teeth. That is how my hygienist described my gums during my dental appointment yesterday. It always feels great to get fantastic reviews from the dentist.

If you want to refer your friends to this post, just tell them to Google “nice, pink and tight.” I’m sure it’ll be the top result.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Banana Fluctuations

I always buy bananas from the fruit stand right outside of the Astor Place K-mart. The entire summer, the price was $.25 per banana.

About a month ago, the price at that stand changed to $.35 per banana or the super awesome deal of three for $1. I was outraged that they changed, so I checked the other three fruit stands within a one block proximity. They all had the same price. I refused to buy the marked-up bananas. Those are Herald Square prices!

A couple of days later, the prices in the area went back to the usual $.25. It stayed that way up until yesterday. I went to the fruit stand, grabbed two bananas and handed the guy $.50. He stared at the coins in a funny way before putting them in his fanny pack. My eyes darted to the price sign, and there it was. Bananas were back at $.35!

Today, I walked by the stand and the sign said 5 bananas for $1. What a steal! Only $.20 per banana. This is madness. I briefly considered buying a few bananas before realizing that someone would probably steal them at work.

Does anyone know why there is such fluctuation in the Astor Place banana markets?

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Killer Tofu

Great news for all of you Doug fans out there:

1. This shirt exists

2. And there is a MySpace page with downloadable tunes

Isn’t Skeeter’s name so much funnier after Dave Chappelle explained the Lil Jon song? Yeah. I’m 24.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Stop Eating My Bananas

Someone took my banana again! I'm seriously contemplating a stakeout by the fridge.

They're only $.25 each from the street vendor! Get your own bananas!

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Leave My Stuff Alone

Bananas are my fruit of choice at work. They’re not messy and are easy to dispose. I’ll buy about four bananas at the beginning of each week and store them in the fridge to keep them from going bad. To make sure no one messes with my bananas, I keep them in the black plastic bag in which they came, and I store them in the butter holder atop the refrigerator door.

For the past two weeks, someone has gotten the great idea to steal one of my bananas. I’ll eat three bananas and save at various points during the week and save my fourth banana for Friday morning breakfast. The last two Fridays, I peer into the butter holder only to see my last banana missing. I search the entire fridge to see if it’s been relocated. But why would anyone relocate my banana? It’s not like anyone keeps butter at work.

I’m only going to buy bananas two at a time now. I hope this banana thief will stop being cheap and dish out the $.25 for his/her own banana.

Last night, I did my laundry. I was finishing up my dinner, so I showed up about ten minutes after the dryer had finished to retrieve my clothes. I go to my dryer only to see that a different load is in there. I’m confused as hell.

A husky lesbian wearing camouflage pants sees the look of disbelief on my face and says, “Were your clothes in that dryer? I put them in that cart. Sorry.”

I just gave her this look of disgust and anger. Why the hell would you take my clothes out of the dryer? Yes, I was ten minutes late, and if someone is late and all the dryers are taken, then you have every right to move someone’s clothing. However, there were five—FIVE—other open dryers! And they were all operational!

Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Voltron

Whoever made this shirt is a genius. I can’t wait for the Voltron movie. It was definitely my favorite cartoon growing up. I only ask that someone hot plays Princess Allura, and they don’t cast Ashton Kutcher or Dane Cook in the movie. I do hope they cast Minkus from Boy Meets World as Pidge. I'm sure he's already rich from all the syndication money, but a little extra cash doesn't hurt.

"Activate interlock. Dynotherms connected. Megathrusters go!"

I've interacted with females before. I'm serious. I even held hands with a girl once.

C-Webb Only Goes for the Smart Money

“I'm not going to Greece. It's no disrespect to [Olympiacos], but I can't do that. I'm an NBA guy. I don't want to just chase money. I want to make sure I respect the game.

“To tell you the truth, it's kind of stupid in a way to turn down stupid money, as my dad would call it, but I can't just do it for the money. If I'm going to play, I'm only going to play as a Piston ... unless something crazy happens.”Chris Webber

Apparently, taking the hundreds of thousands of dollars of illegal payouts from booster Ed Martin wasn’t stupid money at all and was a way of respecting the game.

It’s OK though. I’m not bitter. I’ll always have the memories of the Fab Five and their storied runs to two NCAA finals appearances. Oh crap. Wait a second. According to the NCAA, those things never happened.

Monday, October 01, 2007

The Dirty Burrito Updated His Blog

It drives me nuts that Facebook doesn’t use proper grammar. Whenever the News Feed shows a profile update that requires the use of a third person possessive pronoun, it always uses “their.”

For example, “Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago, added ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ to their favorite movies.” This is annoyingly incorrect.

It should read, “Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago, added ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ to his favorite movies.”

If it had said, “Abe Froman, the Sausage King of Chicago, and Sloane Peterson added ‘Ferris Bueller’s Day Off’ to their favorite movies,” then it also would have been correct.

Facebook is a multi-million dollar enterprise started by a Harvard graduate. With all of the crappy new applications, such as “What is your porn star name,” can’t the company get someone to insert a piece of code that would recognize whether someone is male or female based on his/her profile, and have updates include the proper grammar.

And we wonder why people use incorrect phrases like “same difference” and don't know that "should of" doesn't actually exist.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Claudio Ranieri Wants to Play Craps

Dear Rochester Knights,

As part of their ongoing Filipino outreach program, Coach and Mrs. Renzi invited my sister and me for dinner over Labor Day weekend. I hadn’t been there for some time, so I nearly forgot the “Key > Key > 4 > 3 > 2 > 1” code to unlock the gate to Oakwood Estates. If I had forgotten, I could’ve called any number of people from southeast Michigan born between 1980 and 1986, and I’m sure one of them could’ve given it to me.

In any case, after Coach was done bitching about his “unfair” sacking by Roman Abramovich and claiming he could’ve won the Champions League, he mentioned we should all get together for a Thanksgiving reunion at a Detroit casino for dinner and gambling. I, for one, will not be gambling, seeing as 1) I devote approximately 95% of my post-tax/post-401k salary to NYC rent, and 2) I’m the responsible Knight—hence my appointment as organizer of this event. (Side Note: For you Knights that don’t invest in a 401k, you should start. It’ll allow you to eat caviar and pay expensive Japanese hookers when you’re a retired 80-year-old man.)

After the feast & gambling excursion, I’m thinking we could head back to the old basement, drink more and plan my engagement party while listening to “Africa” by Toto. It could be just like old times: I’ll get a keg of Bud Light from Harry’s with my fake Ohio ID, Matalavy will be on the phone with his girlfriend, Steve & Karl will be playing acoustic versions of their favorite Dashboard songs while sitting much too close to one another, Dominic will be dominating, Trey will be dancing, Dan will be falling asleep at midnight, Chris will be hiding in the closet of the back bedroom to see if he can spy on Alexander getting naked with a female and Larin will be Larinizing in an effort to have his picture posted on clubcoverage.com. Then, we can tiptoe around the kitchen and eat all the leftover pasta, meatballs, bread and chocolate mousse at 3am while Jaber cries about being de-Knighted.

Pass this on to all the Knights. I’ll send out an E-mail in a couple of weeks to get the scheduling started. Leave me your E-mail address through Facebook, MySpace or the comments section of this post. And if there is a huge demand, we’ll throw some strippers into the mix.

I now leave you with some quotes by the great J.P. Renzi:

“78% of the balls that don’t go on goal, don’t go in the net.”

“Hey! What is this?! These fucking guys!”

"Who wants some chewing gums?"

"I brought dates."

"First gear!…Second gear!…Third gear!"

"What is it with these (h)ospital balls?!"

"Thank you!"

"No square balls!" (Much funnier when printed.)

"Last play!" 15 minutes later…"Last play!"

"You are not a Knight," to Jeff Jaber.

“O!”

“I mean, is he a fricken dyslexic?”

“Fifty years old! And I am not even warmed up!”

“Paff!”

“If you do that one more time, I am going to come over there and put my
nine-and-a-half up your rear end!”

“These fricken bozos.”

“Don't shoot until you are warmed up! If I see one more shot before you
are sweating…!

"If I'm having a party, my son will say 'I will bring the drinks,'
Chris will say 'I will bring the food' and Jeff will say 'I will bring my
cousins!'"

“Ey yi yi yiyiyiyiyiy”

“I mean, are you fricken retarded?”

“I could’ve won the treble with Drogba!” (Still being verified.)

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Music News














Our office has randomly been hosting musicians with new CDs and/or tours for a lunchtime acoustic session. Usually, they’re upcoming artists, but once in awhile we get someone more famous.

A couple of months ago, Richie Sambora played an acoustic set. He played one or two new songs and a couple of old Bon Jovi tunes. He was pretty funny, poking fun at his age and single status.

Yesterday, we had the pleasure of listening to Hanson. Yes. That Hanson. A large crowd showed up hoping they’d play MMMBop. Unfortunately, they only played songs from their new CD. I will admit that they do sound great together; puberty did not destroy their harmony.

Overall, they were pretty nice. They brought copies of their new CD and stayed afterward to talk and sign them. Of course, I immediately jumped to grab one and got it signed by all three brothers. I was one of probably only four guys that did this. Everyone else was a female.

On another note, Lenny Kravitz is in Brazil. He isn’t in Rio though. He’s “in the mountains with parrots and monkeys and waterfalls.” He’s busy being introspective and looking inward so he can grow and be himself. I thought you might want to know what Lenny has been up to.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Extra Work

Last night, I stopped by Washington Square Park to catch the last day of filming for The Echo, the US remake of Yam Laranas’ Filipino movie Sigaw. Yam and I became friends while I was going on location shoots around the Philippines to film the Smart-DOT commercial. He flew into the city from Toronto to shoot the remaining scenes of the movie. He wanted his friends in the city to be extras in the movie, and since I have extensive experience as a model/actor, I showed up.

The earlier part of the evening was fairly uneventful. I showed up, greeted Yam, and he introduced me to the star of the movie—Jesse Bradford. That’s right. Cliff Pantone from Bring It On in the flesh. He was only about 5’8”, which wasn’t as tall as I expected, but he had a firm handshake and was pretty nice. And he was in Bring It On, so I respect the hell out of him. Also, he had a very hot girlfriend who was riding one of those old school bikes you see the girls from Newport Harbor riding around town.

From about 8-10pm, they filmed a scene of Jesse walking down the sidewalk across from the north side of the park and just east of 5th Avenue. The PA’s spent the better part of that time telling passers-by that this is not the Sex & the City movie and to stop taking flash photography because it would ruin the scene. We also kept staring at this huge pile of dog poop on the street that was stinking up the area. It also claimed several members of the crew as victims. They eventually put a couple cones over it.

What was I doing during this time? Mainly, I was avoiding the dog poop, listening to the jokes and eating chips & salsa, honey wheat pretzels and Almond Joy mini bars. (Side Note: I still do not understand the naming convention between Mounds and Almond Joy. Wouldn’t it have made sense to name the candy bar with protruding lumps, Mounds? They could’ve named the coconut bar something else like Coconut Joy.)

Finally, around 10:15, I and a group of the producer’s 30-something friends were summoned to be drunk partiers hanging out on the sidewalk after a long night of partying. I sincerely hope that the scene is set on a Thursday night because I don’t know too many people that go out on a Saturday night decked out in their business suits/skirts while lugging around large messenger bags. If you happen to see this movie when it’s released, and you see a sidewalk scene with drunk people dressed in suits and messenger bags, look for my metallic salmon button down and moss green Tumi bag.

Also, I want to point out that the 30-something friends knew Jesse Bradford not from Flags of our Fathers, but rather, Bring It On. They even invoked, “It’s already been brought-en.” I had to inform them that the line was actually from Not Another Teen Movie, but commended them on their fine choice of films.

It only should have taken about 15-20 minutes to get all the necessary takes for that scene, but a scuffle broke out. Some cabbie turning east from 5th Avenue was talking shit was some guy walking down the street. The cabbie stopped his car mid-turn and in the middle of the intersection, got out of the car, and was immediately knocked the fuck out by the guy on the street. I was about fifty feet away, but I saw the street guy wind up, land the punch and send the cabbie straight to the ground.

Within five minutes, a fire truck, ambulance and three police cars showed up. The cabbie was in terrible shape. He was convulsing and lying in a pool of blood. It was nasty. They actually had to open a fire hydrant to wash the blood away.

After the police took witnesses—luckily no one from the scene had to be taken—we continued filming and ended around 11pm. I grabbed a few final bites of chips & salsa, stuffed a few Almond Joy bars in my pocket for the walk home and said my farewell to the director.

On a somewhat unrelated note, I would like to point out that there are a ton of cute, attractive females walking around Washington Square Park on Thursday night. I’m not sure if they’re always there, or if they were just lurking in an attempt to get into a movie, but they were abundant.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Wash Your Hands

You know what disgusts me? People at work who don’t wash their hands when they come out of the bathroom.

It’s one thing to be the lone person to leave the bathroom and not wash your hands, which is gross. But there are people who blatantly don’t wash their hands even while there are other employees in the bathroom at the same time, and they’ll notice if you don’t wash.

This has happened at least five times since I started last June. That is five times too many. In the spirit of National Clean Hands Week, please wash your hands.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

What's Love Gotta Do With It?

I just want to thank Heidi and Spencer again for coming into our lives.

http://www.tmz.com/2007/09/18/heidi-pulls-a-britney/3

Look at Spencer in the background. If we’re lucky, this could turn into the 21st century, white version of Ike & Tina Turner.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Crying Baby

One of the things I dread most in life is when a girl calls me up crying. When a girl calls and I hear sobbing on the other end of the line, one of the following may have happened:

  • She is calling to break up with you.
  • She had one too many tequila shots and cheated on you.
  • She cheated on you. Period.
  • A major tragedy just occurred.
  • She just got into a massive fight with best friend/co-worker/significant other/parent/etc. (Note: If you are not dating the girl and she constantly calls you in tears to rant about the massive argument she just had with one of the aforementioned people, then you are officially that guy who is the “best friend” who is always there to listen and be the shoulder to cry on, but you’re just really in love with her. Take charge loser. Ask her to prom and profess your love.)

If a girl calls for one of the latter two reasons, I have major issues. I’m completely awkward. I’m very good at listening, but I never know what to say. I always try to say something, but it always ends up being cliché (“It’ll be OK”) or totally idiotic (“Oh…uhh…yeah…that sucks”).

For conversational purposes, I almost wish a girl would call for one of the first three reasons. At least in those situations, conversation will flow very easily. There’s nothing like a good shouting match over the phone. At the very least, there’ll be at least one very emotionally charged and natural “Fuck you” in the conversation.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Video Music Awards/Drinkfest at the Palms

Britney’s performance was so bad, I felt as if she channeled the ghost of Lance Bass before he joined *NSYNC and had to be taught to dance.

Sarah Silverman is annoying as hell. Who was the genius that gave the green light for her own TV show?

Nicole Scherzinger is super hot. Apparently, not all half-Filipino women have to show their boobs online (see previous post).

How did an American Idol runner-up and the son of Jason Seaver (for those of you who forgot, that’s Alan Thicke from Growing Pains) become the heirs to R&B royalty?

Is everyone at the show at least 21? Akon is in the house.

Who saw Ashanti during the Chris Brown/Rihanna peformance? Where was Ja Rule?

I often wonder if Lauren Conrad feels naked without her headband.

Quote from the GF during the Timbaland, Timberlake and 50 Cent performance: “Whatever happened to Magoo?” I hope he hasn’t met the same fate as Fitch or The Funky Bunch.

Did anyone really think that something wasn’t going to happen between Kid Rock and Tommy Lee with Pam Anderson there?

Friday, September 07, 2007

High School Musi...Photo Shoot

Vanessa Hudgens' publicist confirmed that the nude photo was, in fact, her. Sweet. Another half-Filipino girl named Vanessa who is dating a guy that may or may not be a homosexual.

Monday, September 03, 2007

To Catch Facebook Friend

For those of you that are unaware, I have sister who is ten years younger than me—The Little Taquito, if you will. (I also have a brother who is three years younger. But he’s much taller than me and is fairly proficient at Spanish, so we could refer to him as El Burrito Grande.) In any case she and her little clique recently expanded their participation in stalker directories by signing up for Facebook.

This really didn’t matter to me except that one of her pals just requested me to be her friend. I let the invitation linger for a week; I wasn’t sure whether it is acceptable to have a 14- or 15-year-old as a friend on Facebook. Also, I wasn’t sure if this would open a floodgate of requests from the rest of her crew.

Finally, I just got sick of seeing the friendship notification on the top right of my screen each time I logged on to Facebook, so I just accepted the friend request. Hopefully, Chris Hansen won’t show up at my door.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Real Life Drama

Last night, I finally got to see the premiere episode of Life of Ryan, the reality show about skater Ryan Sheckler, brought to you by executive producers Liz Gateley and Tony DiSanto of Laguna and The Hills fame.

I was actually eager to see this show. Though he’s apparently a huge figure in the skating world, the only time I ever heard of this kid was when I saw his MTV Cribs episode from about five years ago. He must have been no more than 11- or 12-years-old, and he’s showing off his house with his private skate park and explaining the benefits of the açaí fruit that Bob Burnquist recommended to him. There were a few things that really struck me about the first episode:

  • The kid loves his dad and his brothers
  • DJ-equipped, double-decker party buses look tremendously fun, yet dangerous when traveling down a California freeway
  • He has the best life ever, as evidenced by the fact that all he does is skate, travel to Dubai, bitch about having to go to Japan and go to school
  • His mother, Gretchen, has MILF potential
  • He and his friends actually look like seniors in high school

The last two are the most important points, but the last one really got to me. I wouldn’t have expected him and his friends to be portrayed in such a youthful way, especially when the show was brought to us by the masterminds behind Laguna Beach (notice the prevalence of the word “drama” in this show).

It’s somewhat of a paradox because with Life of Ryan, you actually have a character who recognizes and understands who and what he is—a professional skater, that is to say a carefully handled corporate product. On the other hand, you have Laguna Beach/Newport Harbor: The Real Orange County, where a bunch of teenagers are being filmed under the pretense that they’re living their real lives and going through the ups and downs of high school.

Take a look at the characters. When you see Ryan and his friends eating at the mall and talking about what they’re doing before winter formal or taking pictures before the dance, they actually look like high school seniors. Glance at the crew from Newport Harbor, and ask yourselves how many juniors are built like Clay and how many sophomores look like Taylor? It looks like they were pulled from a soap opera casting call.

It seems that Life of Ryan is the more “real” show. They show him going through some real problems that kids actually experience (divorced parents; where he and his brothers will spend Christmas) and problems that many people in high profile positions face (being away from his family; how fame affects his relationships). All these things really seem to tear at him and cause him pain. When you watch a show like Laguna, all you see is people trying to backstab each other so they can hook up. That and planning trips for Cabo! What happens in Cabo, stays in Cabo—except what they catch on camera. (Ryan also probably bought his own Range Rover, whereas the kids from Newport Harbor probably got them as gifts from Mommy & Daddy. It doesn’t get more real than being able to afford your own Range Rover—with rims.)

Having said all this, am I going to stop watching Newport Harbor? Hell no! I need to get my weekly dose of intellectual conversation between Clay and Grant. My favorite so far is when they were choosing outfits for the pink party during the second episode, and they went nuts and started yelling and clapping for the outfit spread across the bed. It was pure bliss.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Post Script

In an E-mail I wrote today, I included a P.S. after my signoff.

Via my superior reasoning and logic skills, I’m inclined to think that a P.S. was created back in the days of yore, when serfs plowed the fields, explorers were busy finding gold and peppers and people ended letters but had some extra thoughts to incorporate. Nobody wanted to waste precious paper or rewrite a ten-page letter.

With E-mail, you can revise as necessary and type anything you may have forgotten or last-minute thoughts, like the name of the girl/guy you hooked up with the previous evening. With this capability, is it still acceptable to include a P.S. in an E-mail?

Thursday, August 23, 2007

BFing Has Ruined Our Sex Life

I know what you were thinking, but please read on.

Even though I now work on a coffee account, I was asked to help out with some research for another account’s baby products presentation. I had to research pacifiers, baby bottles, sippy cups and breastfeeding systems. I know—scintillating!

I browsed numerous parenting and baby Web sites, and I hit the message boards. One site forced me to register and answer a questionnaire, so I’m a 30-34 year old, home-owning, married mother of two with a $90K-99K income, who reads Baby Talk and plans to buy a digital camera this year. I also happen to be a full-time working professional, so I’ll be able to afford this digital camera to capture the first precious moments of my children.

I learned many things: the pain of breastfeeding, the advantages of a double electric pump, potential for nipple confusion and bling is in (plastic rhinestones on pacifiers—probably a logical precursor for a platinum grill.)

This morning, I came across this message board post, which made all my research worth the effort. I found it highly entertaining for both the title and content.

BFing has ruined our sex life

I don't know where else to turn to but you guys for this one. DH & I have been married 7 years and our SF is our first. But after delaying sex for about 3 months PP b/c I was healing from some serious stiches, plus having horribly sore breasts/nipples from BFing, plus all the hormones in general, our sex life has gone down the drain, and consequently our relationship is dwindling, too. But here's the biggest problems: DH finds BFing a turn on. He's never wanted me more, especially my breasts. I find that the biggest turn off, and even more than that, it disgusts me that he likes to see our SF nursing and that he talks about "needing nourishment" himself and wants to suck on them. It's to the point where I've told him my breasts are off limits b/c I now feel so violated whenever he touches them. Yet he still does it, claiming he can't help himself. I've gone so far as to tell him he might as well be raping me b/c that's what it feels like to me. So he tries to not touch them, but he still pretends to grab at them and also complains nonstop about how he's being deprived. I'm not even attracted to him anymore. Now I know this post makes DH sound like a monster, but he really isn't. He is actually very kind and soft spoken and we've never had any serious marital issues. I just don't know how to make him understand exactly how I feel about it and it's making me extremely upset that he's so stupid & selfish he doesn't see that I'm being serious about all of it, he thinks I'm joking around or something & that I really would like it if I just let him have them. Please offer any advice that you can, TIA. [Link]

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Fashion Month

We get four magazine subscriptions at my apartment. I subscribe to Esquire and Details, and Roommate #1 subscribes to The New Yorker and New York Magazine. We like to keep it equal opportunity and diversified—two monthlies and two weeklies.

Four magazine subscriptions may seem like a lot, but they serve as an entertaining way to pass time when we’re sick of playing Guitar Hero, hanging with groupies and snorting coke. There’s no greater pleasure than reading a New Yorker article about the saturated market for picking matsutake mushrooms in the Pacific Northwest. (Americans don’t know how to prepare them because they tend to sauté mushrooms in butter or oil. Matsutake’s aroma is water-soluble, so it won’t infuse fat. You have to use them in soups or rice using a Japanese technique. Go Asians!)

We just received the September issues of Esquire and Details and August 27th issues of The New Yorker and New York Magazine all within the last week. For this latest round of issues, Esquire, Details and New York Magazine decided to roll out with their fashion issues. The New Yorker did not have enough room for fashion in this issue because, when given the choice between a profile of the Olsen Twins’ new adult fashion line and an essay on the quest for a global seed bank as a contingency for an apocalypse, the magazine once again opted for the more glamorous environmental article.

What’s the big deal with the fashion issues? They’re overwhelming. Esquire and Details came wrapped in plastic with extra fashion supplements, which essentially are only good for the pictures. (Stephanie Seymour in a lingerie ad for Chantelle and Elizabeth Hurley in an ad for Jordache—more on this another time—made for some fairly hot nostalgia.)

The actual magazines are bothersome to read because there are more pages devoted to ads rather than articles—or at least it seems that way. I feel that the magazine goes on forever. And to go even further, because these are the fashion issues, most of the articles are about fashion.

I do not want to read about “The Best Dressed Men in the World”, “The Best Dressed Real Men in America” or the sartorial choices of mayors across America. However, I do enjoy fashion tips on suits and how to accessorize them. One day, I will be able to afford such things.