Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Only in Cabo...

It’s that time of the year again—the Laguna Beach spring break in Cabo episode!!! The name of the episode was “Only in Cabo…” As much as I love Cabo, MTV needs to find a new location just for the sake of creating a new name. I think the “What Happens in Cabo, Stays in Cabo” or “Only in Cabo…” names are getting old. I think they should go to Daytona Beach, Florida. MTV needs to return to its bread & butter. I remember seeing footage of MTV Spring Break in Daytona Beach with hairy-chested dudes and girls with crimped hair rocking out in front of the stage as Jefferson Starship played “We Built This City.” Those were the days. Plus, the name could be something totally new like “What Happens in Daytona, Stays in Daytona.”

There were so many laugh-out-loud moments. It all started with Breanna, the much less attractive, younger sister of the very attractive but devoid of personality, LC. (Side note: I know she now goes by Lauren ever since she stopped filming Laguna Beach, but The Hills sucked so much that I refuse to address her by anything other than LC. She also needs to go back to her bread & butter and start calling herself LC again. Maybe it will improve the quality of the second season of The Hills.) Breanna set a goal of hooking up with D-Rock, and she accomplished it. I’m proud of her.

Speaking of D-Rock, he, to put it in his words, “totally spit mad game” in Cabo. He went on the trip with the goal of hooking up with either Lexie or Breanna. Due to the fact that his friend, Kelan, was trying to creep (their words, not mine) on Lexie, he made the respectable buddy move by stepping aside and letting his buddy have a crack at Lexie while he made out with the equally eager Breanna. That was such a sweet line he threw at Breanna. I believe it was something along the lines of “I want to kiss you but I don’t want you to fell awkward.” This was followed by Breanna lacking complete coyness and saying, “I don’t care.” D-Rock, the spitter of mad game, leaned in for the kiss, and Breanna basically threw her face at him like a bird going for a crumb on the sidewalk. It was true Cabo romance.

What about D-Rock’s boy, Kelan? I felt bad for the poor guy. It seemed completely awkward for everyone involved. It was totally gnarly. (Side note: I’m going to commit to speaking like these people. I love the way they talk. They decided to go back to the same club because it was raging. I’m so amped to use my new vocabulary!) The chemistry between Kelan and Lexie was about as successful as two positively charged particles trying to attach to one another. (Is that even the correct analogy?) All I can say is that Paula Abdul was incorrect. Opposites do not attract. Tortured rocker + ambitious dancer = Kelan yelling to D-Rock, “I just don’t have the fucking balls!” This is followed by D-Rock retorting with, “Do you want me to grow them for you?” Keep in mind this all happened immediately after Breanna and D-Rock made out, and Breanna went to Lexie to try to see if she wanted to hook up with Kelan. Lexie just nodded her head in disgust. There wasn’t even any hesitation. This was all done right in front of Kelan. Poor guy. He’s going to have “I just don’t have the fucking balls” jokes following him for the rest of his life.

Some other highlights from the episode:

§ Cami and her ridiculous sailor hat. What was she thinking? By the way, she looked really skinny. I think she spent the 2 weeks prior to spring break on the elliptical for 2 hours a day, while she fought off her hunger with carrots and celery.

§ Cameron coming up with my 2nd favorite quote of the night: “Cami, your boobs are popping out.” That quote had nothing to do with anything. Cameron wasn’t even in the shot; it was just a voice over. His tone was one of complete appall.

§ I’m convinced Tyler and his buddies are constantly coked out. He hangs out with Jason, who supposedly didn’t graduate from high school and had to go into rehab for a coke addiction. Both always seem strung out, and live off their families’ wealth. What a life.

§ The parents coming along for the trip. That was a complete surprise. I’m guessing that after seeing the first two seasons of unsupervised, MTV-sponsored debauchery, the parents wanted to try and put an end to it. I wonder how it was decided that Kyndra’s and Tyler’s parents would go on the trip. I’m guessing that MTV stipulated in contracts that they had final say on chaperones, and they picked those parents because they were the most oblivious to the drinking, drugs, and sexual escapades of the rager that is the Cabo spring break scene.

I haven’t written about Laguna Beach in awhile. I thought you would enjoy my return to my bread & butter. See you next time.

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