Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Deep Thoughts by HGOC

After a 14 month hiatus, Northwestern University's inaugural Hottest Guy on Campus has returned to share his thoughts with the readers of The Dirty Burrito. Below is the full, unedited prose of the literary mastermind.

After having a discussion with the Dirty Burrito tonight I came to a weird realization…despite sex supposedly selling in the music industry, the majority of music that men and woman listen to are by male performers. And despite the deep seeded thought in the back of my mind that all girls have lesbian tendencies, girls aren’t purchasing other girls music for their sexiness. They buy it because the girl’s music has a good beat (usually produced by a male) and the lyrics talk about either: wanting a man/men or a relationship ending with a man/men. It’s very rare to find a female artist with several likeable songs; most are one or two hit wonders.

I am personally a fan of four female musicians: Mariah Carey, Avril Lavigne, Kelly Clarkston, and Enya, in that order. And by “fan”, I mean being able to publicly express my liking for them and attend their concert without feeling really gay for my age (Even though an Avril concert would probably be full of emo boys). How can Mariah be number one you may ask? My answer is how can she not? She has songs for all occasions, collaborated with Boys 2 Men, Bone Thugs, and Joe, to name a few, and was the first woman to sexually arouse me through a music video (Honey- 1997). While you could perhaps make many arguments for Madonna (voice isn’t as good) or Brittany Spears (manages to be fake in a fake industry), much like Chapelle’s Michael Jackson clause (he can whatever he want, he made Thriller), Mariah can scream, rehab, and fluctuate in weight as much as she wants because we all know there is no song you’d rather want to here around Christmas time, or anytime, than “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” Just hearing that song puts you in a good mood. In fact, I am listening to it while typing this up…After all, Christmas is only a few months away and the displays in department stores only a few days away.

A few random thoughts and life lessons:

1- How is it that Adult Bookstores stay in business? Book stores suffered tremendous blows from both the television and internet, forcing mom and pop shops to succumb to the huge conglomerates of Barnes & Noble and Borders, yet little porn book stores keep chugging along. In fact, there is a freeway somewhere in Illinois on the way to Western Illinois from Chicago that has two Adult Bookstores on opposite sides of the highway. This blows my mind (no pun intended). I wondered for several hours, not kidding, whether they were owned by a single person or were rival bookstores. I came to the conclusion they had to be rivals. No human being in their right mind would use convenience as a selling point for adult books. Picture that thought process... “Oh look an adult book store! Damn, I’d stop if it wasn’t on the other side of the highway.” People don’t buy porn books like they buy lemonade from a little kid… “Oh look there it is, I think I’ll pull over and get some.” You leave your house looking for porn, unless you’re my dearest friend Zdenek. Regardless, an interesting Sociology experiment should be done on the two bookstores and the people who frequent them.

2- Find a girl who can bring about your creative side. There’s nothing worse than forced conversation.

3- Despite what they say, ugly people do have something to lose in a fight. Ironically, they have everything to lose. I couldn’t imagine a fate worse than being ugly and a pussy.

4- Next time someone calls and asks what you’re doing; tell them “just sitting around, listening to Mike Jones.” I don’t know why it’s funny but it is.

5- Why do I never tire of watching a Zamboni clean the ice in between hockey periods? Every hockey game I go to (I’ve been a ton), I just stare silently in amazement as these ice cleaning gods maneuver these huge machines and NEVER MISS A SPOT. It’s incredible; it’s probably in my top 20 favorite things to do between watching people fall off treadmills and spitting off high establishments.

6- You can never look cool while running with a backpack on.

That’s all for now. I hope loyal Dirty Burrito readers enjoy my guest blogs and will make comments or start discussions. But even if you don’t enjoy my writing you’re s.o.l because Carlos Delgados does.


  1. your choice of fav female musicians is gay.

  2. Borris, yes Borris9/28/2006 3:24 PM

    i disagree with the previous comment... Everyone who has eardrums knows that mariah is still on fire....that bizznatch never cools off. There was even some interesting things in her movie, glitter (I had a girlfriend at the time who was dying to watch it.) Enya is really cool for 2 reasons..1) She is irish 2)Her song "Only Time" is a masterpiece and i believe one of the tastiest tunes to listen to on a fall day. I have been a faithul dirty burrito consumer since I saw this link on HGOC's AIM profile. Both of you keep up the good work

  3. great choice of female musicians and thank god Bionce is not one of them!

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