Monday, August 07, 2006

My Wedding Song

Me: Hello

Hottest Guy on Campus: Are you really going to have “Africa” as your wedding song?

Me: (Laughing) Why?

HGOC: Because that would be the coolest thing.

Me: I said that like 3 years ago. I was still kinda immature, and I said a lot of things in those days.

HGOC: C’mon. You should still do it.

Me: Why? Where is this coming from? My wedding is years away.

HGOC: I had a dream last night. I dreamt that you had your wedding reception in my basement, they played the first song, and it was “Africa.”

Me: (Dying of laughter) OK. I’ll think about it. I’m not so sure that’ll fly with my future wife.

HGOC: You should totally do it. It will be the coolest thing ever. You love the 80s. Does she love the 80s?

Me: Yeah. But it could also lead to immediate divorce. I don’t know if that’ll be cool with her. What would everyone think if “Africa” all of a sudden just started coming out of the speakers? (I start humming the majestic opening tune.)

HGOC: (Laughing) Think about it. You step out onto the dance floor after I introduce you, and you and your wife start dancing to “Africa.” It will be glorious. By the way, can I introduce you guys, you know, instead of the DJ?

Me: Oh yeah. Of course you can introduce us. The job is yours.

HGOC: Yeah. That was in my dream, too. I introduce you, I point to the DJ, then he looks down and “Africa” just starts playing. I think you should do it. I think the problem is internal more than external. I think everyone is going to love it. I think you’re just afraid of what everyone is going to think of you.

Me: (Interjecting) And what the bride is going to think?

HGOC: She won’t care. Who the hell is going to remember 10 years from now? She won’t remember that stuff.

Me: That is exactly why you don’t have a girlfriend! You’re a forgetful asshole.

HGOC: True.

Me: OK. I’ll think about it. I mean, I said that 3 years ago. We’ll see. I hope you realize I’m going to have to blog about this right now.

HGOC: Go ahead. What greater love song is there than “Africa?” Read the lyrics while you listen to the song. You won’t find a better love song than that. And Toto is a totally wholesome band. I challenge anyone to find a better love song than “Africa.” I have a rebuttal for everything.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Why the hell would anyone want “Africa” by Toto to be his wedding song?” To be honest, I don’t have a clue. The first time I said this was approximately 3 years ago. Part of the appeal is that it was included in the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City soundtrack. It would play constantly on the 80s station when you’d steal a car and cruise the streets of Vice City. However, if that was the sole reason, then “Broken Wings” by Mr. Mister also could’ve been my wedding song.

I was probably riding in a vehicle with HGOC when the song came on, and I proclaimed that this was going to be my wedding song. I do recall repeatedly making this proclamation to my other friends. Those close to me already know that I want(ed) “Africa” to be my wedding song.

You may also be asking yourself, “Why would the Hottest Guy on Campus dream of The Dirty Burrito’s wedding, and why would the reception be in Hottest Guy on Campus’ basement?” In regard to the first part of that question, I have no idea why HGOC would dream of my nonexistent, nowhere in the near future wedding. It confounds me. It doesn't scare me though. I'm glad that someone cares.

In regard to the second part of the question, I admit I had expressed my desire for the wedding reception to be there, but I changed my mind and decided that an engagement party would be held there instead. HGOC seems to have forgotten this. For some background, you must understand that HGOC’s basement is legendary. Four different Ferraris have called it home at one time or another, many women hath been conquered, many kegs hath been consumed, it houses an enormous wine cellar, and boasts a Vegas craps table. Great memories all around. It is a large, classy, walkout basement that leads to a majestic lawn. It is also the foundation for a beautiful home, which in turn houses one of the greatest cooks to ever walk the earth--MOHGOC (Mom of Hottest Guy on Campus). When he says “basement,” he is referring to the entire premises, and the tastiest Italian food ever.

If you think I am strange, please consider this. My current girlfriend has claimed, on more than one occasion, that she would like the location of the proposal, wedding ceremony, and reception to be at Panera, Pizza Hut, and Potbelly’s. I’m not sure which occasion goes with which location because that information is much to complicated. I can’t even create a mnemonic device because all three locations start with a “P.”

In any case, I still don’t know if this is an entirely appropriate song. I do love the song and think it would be totally unique. I’ll certainly look much better than the people who chose “I’ll Be Watching You” by The Police, thinking it was a love song instead of what it actually is—a song about an obsessed stalker. Imagine dancing to that at your wedding.

I could do some Phil Collins. He’s put out some great hits over the years. It would have to be a fight amongst “In the Air Tonight”, “In Too Deep,” and “Sussudio.” “In the Air Tonight” would have to be eliminated because everyone would have to dress up Don Johnson-style in white linen suits and neon shirts, and no one would shave. “Sussudio” is too fast. I guess “In Too Deep” would win by default.

Boyz II Men would work. You could pretty much pick one of their songs out of a hat and you’d have a 75% chance of having it work as a wedding song.

I’ve always liked “Always” by Bon Jovi, but if I pick that song I might as well put in the down payment on my trailer at The Estates right now.

I love “Lady in Red” by Chris Deburgh, except the bride will wear white, so that will just be really awkward. However, I think this is the one song for which HGOC will not have a rebuttal. I happen to know for a fact that he thinks it’s one of the greatest songs ever made.

I’m not necessarily saying that “Africa” has been demoted or that “Lady in Red” will be my wedding song, but I think I may have just won his challenge to find a better love song than “Africa.”

We still would like to hear what you have to say. Leave a comment on your choice for a great wedding song.


  1. three forget to mention that being an 80s song, africa represents a time when marriage in this country was actually worth a damn, as opposed to an institution granting people the right to make the burritos that you have turned oh so dirty. i have immunity to make these remarks because my dad was able to stay in the US strictly due to marriage. secondly, home to 5 ferrari's. and finally, i think it is worth mentioning lady in red was not the only worthwhile song mr deburgh ever made, Lebenese night is also quite good. ta ta,

  2. Another reason "In the Air Tonight" is out: "When I was writing this I was going through a divorce. And the only thing I can say about it is that it's obviously in anger. It's the angry side, or the bitter side of a separation." -Phil Collins.

    If its got to be 80's... lest we forget Take My Breath Away by Berlin. Not only is it more loving than Africa (which is a phenomenal song), but it also has Top Gun credibility.

    If a song gets Maverick laid, its good enough to get Married with.

  3. take my breath away is a good song, it is very cliche and the fact it was made famous by top gun actually takes away its credibility. top gun is a great movie but there are far too many homosexual innuendos for it to be allowed as a wedding song. unless it be a gay wedding, in which case it would be perfect.

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  5. Well, it is the Dirty Burrito... you can't rule out a gay wedding. I think we'd then have to debate "It's Rainin' Men" vs. "Take my breath away".

    Chunky "secretly hoping for a Chunky Salsa/Dirty Burrito wedding" Salsa.

  6. Good length on the blog...btw, I'm wearing a white linen suit to my joke! hehehe...I will shave, though...Unlike Don Johnson, it takes me about 3 days to get somewhat of a 5 O'Clock shadow. That is all...See you in 2 weeks!