Thursday, August 31, 2006

I Called It!

"What are the chances of hearing another Dashboard song on this week's Laguna Beach? Just to key you in, they played Age Six Racer in the first season, Ghost of a Good Thing in the second season, Don't Wait in this season's premiere, and the latest episode featured a horrid female cover of Screaming Infidelities. " - The Dirty Burrito 8/29/06

I can't believe they played Dashboard Confessional music for the third straight time. Just as an FYI, the song, from his latest album, is called Stolen. Just as another FYI, I could totally kick Chris Carabba's ass.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Thanks A Lot Good Charlotte

"Remember when being punk meant getting a blowjob in the alley outside a $5 rock show, then walking in and getting hit with a Dixie Cup full of piss? Today it means moshing it up in the pit at Madison Square Garden while your parents hold your coat and mittens. Thanks a lot, Good Charlotte. " - Cracked.com

It's hysterical because it's true. I'm currently slummin' in the East Village, and there is no way in hell any of these punks/hipsters like Good Charlotte. I'm even afraid to venture out wearing my Ramones shirt for fear of being gang-beaten by a group of offended hipsters who were most likely there when the Ramones first played CBGB.

While we're on the subject of music, what are the chances of hearing another Dashboard song on this week's Laguna Beach? Just to key you in, they played Age Six Racer in the first season, Ghost of a Good Thing in the second season, Don't Wait in this season's premiere, and the latest episode featured a horrid female cover of Screaming Infidelities.

His whiny voice is so distinct that I think he has become the voice of the emo nation. He is so depressed.

And speaking of emo, I started listening to a bunch of old emo tunes, from such acts as The Get Up Kids and The Starting Line. I even downloaded some new songs from Dashboard's new CD and Panic! At the Disco. I think I'm going to write my own emo song soon. I just need to hit a creative zone.

My housemate from college, Colin, started his own blog on MySpace and posted something about the ultimate bar playlist. Long story short, he wanted suggestions for those 1-2 songs that you absolutely need to hear and get everyone singing. Some girl chose Your Love by The Outfield--a totally lame and obvious choice. I went for the not-so-obvious, We Built This City by Starship. I love that song, and I would love to hear at a bar.

Lastly, HGOC had this to say about Oasis on his away message: "oasis is overrated, yeah i said it. good band, nothing against them, but i wouldnt consider them in a top 10. i think most of their success is attributed to the fact people feel cooler by saying they like them cuz it makes them sound knowledgable about music. clever name too"

I was originally going to write a furious rant about he is completely wrong, but when I re-read his quote, I decided it's sadly true. I loved Oasis back in middle school. I thought What's the Story Morning Glory? was an amazing album, one of the few CDs that I've listened to all the way through. But then I remembered the let down that was Be Here Now and that POS, Standing on the Shoulders of Giants, from which I can't even remember a single song. Their MTV Unplugged performance was great. I even remember listening to the local radio station to try and be the Nth caller for tickets and airfare to the taping of the Unplugged in London. I do have this unreal acoustic performance of Don't Go Away that Noel Gallagher, the lead guitarist and elder of the feuding siblings, sang. I last tried looking for it on Limewire and Kazaa a couple years ago just to see if it was out there, but I couldn't find it. The closest thing is the Unplugged performance that Noel also sings, but the version I have is great.

Saturday, August 26, 2006

It's Gonna Rage

Episode 2 appears to have been a set-up for what looks to be the season-long sexual tension between Chase and Tessa. The two main characters, best friends who have known each other since childhood, must confront their feelings for one another—you have to be an idiot of a producer to mess that one up.

Tessa looked pretty good this episode. Even though I had originally said I liked her, I was a little reluctant to put it down in writing. After this episode, any reservations I had about her were erased. She solidified her status as an attractive female on Laguna Beach, she is not a bitch, she seems to have a great personality, and she doesn’t have a huge infatuation with any coke-snorting losers who don’t graduate from high school. Obviously, this could all change as the season progresses, but at the moment, she has leapfrogged the competition and has overtaken LC as my favorite female Laguna resident.

Although her surprise birthday party seemed like a promo event for Open Air Stereo, Tessa seemed genuinely shocked. As she walked through the door, she trembled in disbelief and excitement. I don’t think that reaction could’ve been acted out by any of these characters.

Big surprise here—Cami and Kyndra were bitches again. I found something else I don’t like about Kyndra. Her voice. It has a strange deep & raspy quality about it, as if she has been smoking for years. It reminds me of the voice of Marge’s sisters from The Simpsons.

Open Air Stereo seems like a legitimately good band. I liked their sound in the practice scenes as well as the party scene, and they write their own original music. I checked out their website. It looks like they may make it big....definitely bigger than Talan. They also don’t appear to be slackers. They seem to love their music and are willing to go the distance. This isn’t just some high school thing to get chicks. Well, it might be, but they have the potential and have decided to go for gold.

Speaking of going all out for something, I felt bad for Tessa at the end of the show. She was so excited to hang out with Chase, but then he ditched her because the band needed him. Though I empathized with Tessa, I also envied Chase. (Side note: For the last two instances where I mentioned Chase, I kept initially typing Trey. They are so similar.)

Chase has direction in his life. When his band summoned him during his date with Tessa, he didn’t even think twice about ending the night early. I wish I had something like that. Hopefully, things will work out for me in the coming months and instead of merely going through the motions each day, I’ll have more direction or clearly defined goals. Right now, my general goal is “Get rich.” How I’ll accomplish this is somewhat murky at the moment. I think the best way of reaching my goal would be to lay out a plan. I hope to do that sometime this year.

Friday, August 25, 2006

The Mullet Sale

I know I said I'd follow up with a Laguna recap once I saw the episode 2 rerun, but this ad on Pink is the New Blog is inescapable.

UNREAL. I can't believe an ad like this got the green light. It's brilliant. I'm nearly speechless. I don't even know what to write. I guess Talladega Nights made it perfectly acceptable to ridicule southern white trash culture.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Stay Tuned

I apologize for not having a Laguna post today. I know all of you expect my biased opinions on the show. The clients are in town this week, and we took them out for drinks and appetizers. After losing my phone and leaving my bag at the bar 2 weeks ago, I decided that getting wasted in front of the clients was not a good idea. I had 3 pints and I called it quits.

We did manage to get a couple of the clients bombed. One admitted she was a lesbian. The night didn't even end up being Laguna-free. For some reason, I got into a discussion with 2 female upper management clients about Laguna Beach and The Hills. These women are probably in their late 20s-early 30s, are definitely married, and were discussing the fact that Chase is cute and Cameron is not cute, but has a hot body--all after talking shit about Jessica for hooking up with a high school junior.

I'm going back home to Michigan tonight. Great Lakes, Great Times. I'll be sure to catch a rerun and write something about the second episode before I return on Sunday night.

Stay tuned...

Thursday, August 17, 2006

A New Era of Drama

“I hear they’re coming out with a third season, but I doubt it can be as good. Yes, the show was only semi-real, but I feel the third season is just going to be completely fake. It’s going to be like Real World, but in Laguna Beach. I’m sure they’ll have some new badass that cheats on everyone, a new blonde ditz, a super emotional punk chick with green hair and striped socks, a “secretly” gay person, a black guy who wants to be a musician, and some female minority that is a huge bitch. Do they even have non-Caucasians in that town? Maybe The Miz and Coral will show up to narrate the show. Who knows? At the very least, please stop Kristin from her horrible, monotone narration.” The Dirty Burrito (November 14, 2005)

I wrote that last November soon after Season 2 ended. I did seem very skeptical at the time. However, my anticipation greatly increased for a variety of reasons:

1) Hot high school girls (Somewhat of a Disclaimer: “Don’t jump on your high horse and pretend I’m some sick freak checking out high school girls. I know for a fact that every guy who watched this show held debates as to whether LC or Kristin was hotter in the first season, checked out Jessica’s boobs in the second season, and checked out every girl that wore a bikini. Ladies, I know many of you thought Jason and Talan were cute, and that you thought the guys from the third season are ‘hotties.’”The Dirty Burrito (December 29, 2005))

2) New cast

3) (I hate to admit this) The Hills sucked

4) Always stellar soundtrack

5) Hot high school girls (Can I be arrested for this comment, or does my “disclaimer” cover both mentions?)

The show opened up with a fine introductory narration to set the stage for the rest of the season. Though it gave us a background on the new cast, it didn’t leave open the opportunity to develop our own first impressions. In any case, this is what I got from that segment:

  • Tessa is the narrator
  • Rocky and Tessa are best friends
  • Chase is some sort of rock star in the making, and has some deep bond with Tessa
  • Kelan is Chase’s best friend and band mate
  • Cameron got really hot, turned into a player, and is hooking up with Jessica—yes, that Jessica
  • Cami is the Queen of Mean
  • Lexie is an Ice Princess
  • Breanna is LC’s little sister
  • Kyndra is the leader of the popular clique and turned her back on Tessa

I already don’t like her, but I have a feeling that before the season is over, Rocky will prove herself to be the super emotional punk chick, but without green hair and striped socks. She just has this Frankie-from-The Real World-San Diego thing about her.

Kelan seems to be an entertaining character. I watched the After Show special with the always beautiful Vanessa Minnillo, and I caught the segment where he was showing his room. He pointed to his bed and said something along the lines of “not much magic happens here.” Then, he patted his TV and called it his best friend. Actually, now that I think about it, he sounds like me in high school, except he’s in a band. What a sad existence I led…

Though Chase’s beard is more reminiscent of Jason, his personality is more comparable to Trey, who I believe also had a beard at some point. Just stick a trucker hat on the guy and have him organize some fashion shows for charity, and you’ve got Trey.

I don’t care for Breanna. I feel she only got on the show because LC threatened not to do The Hills unless her little sister got a spot on the new cast. She’s also not attractive.

I’m holding off on judging Lexie because we didn’t get to see much of her on the premiere. I will say that I find her somewhat appealing.

Cami is the female minority that is a huge bitch. What is she? Whatever she is, she definitely has huge boobs. (That is not to say that I think she is a looker.) What size are those things? There are so many mysteries about this girl.

I don’t like Kyndra. She, along with BFF Cami, is a super bitch. All I kept noticing about her were her fake nails. I hate fake things—fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails, etc. (Fake boobs are not included in this discussion.)

I foresee Cameron providing me with huge amounts of laughter. This guy is a total meathead. I keep waiting for him to head butt his friends as a greeting. I can’t wait to watch what unfolds between him and all his ladies. It’s amazing that he is hooking up with Jessica. I wish he had gotten her pregnant so they could’ve had the stupidest baby known to man. I did like the part in the after show where he showed the ceramic “GET A JOB” sign he made for Jessica because he “keeps telling her to get a job.” I actually burst into laughter for that one.

It took me the entire episode to formulate an opinion on our host, Tessa. I was torn on everything about her—narration, looks, personality, and choice of friends. In the end, I found myself liking her a lot, in spite of her friendship with Rocky. She narrates well, she is pretty, she has a good personality, and she is friends with the Trey-like Chase.

If you’ll turn your attention back to my opening quote, I said there would be 6 different archetypes: badass that cheats on everyone, a new blonde ditz, a super emotional punk chick with green hair and striped socks, a “secretly” gay person, a black guy who wants to be a musician, and some female minority that is a huge bitch.

It turns out that I guessed three of them correctly—badass that cheats on everyone (Cameron), a new blonde ditz (Kyndra), and some female minority that is a huge bitch (Cami).

I think Season 3 has a ton of potential. The girls are super bitches, and the guys actually bring something more than a beard and a surfboard to the table.

End Note: I realize I skipped over many plot points from the first episode, such as the Alex M., Alex H., Taylor, and Jessica Reunion Special, but I’m tired and I need sleep. I’ll try to get a follow-up entry posted this weekend. Stay tuned.

Monday, August 07, 2006

My Wedding Song

Me: Hello

Hottest Guy on Campus: Are you really going to have “Africa” as your wedding song?

Me: (Laughing) Why?

HGOC: Because that would be the coolest thing.

Me: I said that like 3 years ago. I was still kinda immature, and I said a lot of things in those days.

HGOC: C’mon. You should still do it.

Me: Why? Where is this coming from? My wedding is years away.

HGOC: I had a dream last night. I dreamt that you had your wedding reception in my basement, they played the first song, and it was “Africa.”

Me: (Dying of laughter) OK. I’ll think about it. I’m not so sure that’ll fly with my future wife.

HGOC: You should totally do it. It will be the coolest thing ever. You love the 80s. Does she love the 80s?

Me: Yeah. But it could also lead to immediate divorce. I don’t know if that’ll be cool with her. What would everyone think if “Africa” all of a sudden just started coming out of the speakers? (I start humming the majestic opening tune.)

HGOC: (Laughing) Think about it. You step out onto the dance floor after I introduce you, and you and your wife start dancing to “Africa.” It will be glorious. By the way, can I introduce you guys, you know, instead of the DJ?

Me: Oh yeah. Of course you can introduce us. The job is yours.

HGOC: Yeah. That was in my dream, too. I introduce you, I point to the DJ, then he looks down and “Africa” just starts playing. I think you should do it. I think the problem is internal more than external. I think everyone is going to love it. I think you’re just afraid of what everyone is going to think of you.

Me: (Interjecting) And what the bride is going to think?

HGOC: She won’t care. Who the hell is going to remember 10 years from now? She won’t remember that stuff.

Me: That is exactly why you don’t have a girlfriend! You’re a forgetful asshole.

HGOC: True.

Me: OK. I’ll think about it. I mean, I said that 3 years ago. We’ll see. I hope you realize I’m going to have to blog about this right now.

HGOC: Go ahead. What greater love song is there than “Africa?” Read the lyrics while you listen to the song. You won’t find a better love song than that. And Toto is a totally wholesome band. I challenge anyone to find a better love song than “Africa.” I have a rebuttal for everything.

At this point, you may be asking yourself, “Why the hell would anyone want “Africa” by Toto to be his wedding song?” To be honest, I don’t have a clue. The first time I said this was approximately 3 years ago. Part of the appeal is that it was included in the Grand Theft Auto: Vice City soundtrack. It would play constantly on the 80s station when you’d steal a car and cruise the streets of Vice City. However, if that was the sole reason, then “Broken Wings” by Mr. Mister also could’ve been my wedding song.

I was probably riding in a vehicle with HGOC when the song came on, and I proclaimed that this was going to be my wedding song. I do recall repeatedly making this proclamation to my other friends. Those close to me already know that I want(ed) “Africa” to be my wedding song.

You may also be asking yourself, “Why would the Hottest Guy on Campus dream of The Dirty Burrito’s wedding, and why would the reception be in Hottest Guy on Campus’ basement?” In regard to the first part of that question, I have no idea why HGOC would dream of my nonexistent, nowhere in the near future wedding. It confounds me. It doesn't scare me though. I'm glad that someone cares.

In regard to the second part of the question, I admit I had expressed my desire for the wedding reception to be there, but I changed my mind and decided that an engagement party would be held there instead. HGOC seems to have forgotten this. For some background, you must understand that HGOC’s basement is legendary. Four different Ferraris have called it home at one time or another, many women hath been conquered, many kegs hath been consumed, it houses an enormous wine cellar, and boasts a Vegas craps table. Great memories all around. It is a large, classy, walkout basement that leads to a majestic lawn. It is also the foundation for a beautiful home, which in turn houses one of the greatest cooks to ever walk the earth--MOHGOC (Mom of Hottest Guy on Campus). When he says “basement,” he is referring to the entire premises, and the tastiest Italian food ever.

If you think I am strange, please consider this. My current girlfriend has claimed, on more than one occasion, that she would like the location of the proposal, wedding ceremony, and reception to be at Panera, Pizza Hut, and Potbelly’s. I’m not sure which occasion goes with which location because that information is much to complicated. I can’t even create a mnemonic device because all three locations start with a “P.”

In any case, I still don’t know if this is an entirely appropriate song. I do love the song and think it would be totally unique. I’ll certainly look much better than the people who chose “I’ll Be Watching You” by The Police, thinking it was a love song instead of what it actually is—a song about an obsessed stalker. Imagine dancing to that at your wedding.

I could do some Phil Collins. He’s put out some great hits over the years. It would have to be a fight amongst “In the Air Tonight”, “In Too Deep,” and “Sussudio.” “In the Air Tonight” would have to be eliminated because everyone would have to dress up Don Johnson-style in white linen suits and neon shirts, and no one would shave. “Sussudio” is too fast. I guess “In Too Deep” would win by default.

Boyz II Men would work. You could pretty much pick one of their songs out of a hat and you’d have a 75% chance of having it work as a wedding song.

I’ve always liked “Always” by Bon Jovi, but if I pick that song I might as well put in the down payment on my trailer at The Estates right now.

I love “Lady in Red” by Chris Deburgh, except the bride will wear white, so that will just be really awkward. However, I think this is the one song for which HGOC will not have a rebuttal. I happen to know for a fact that he thinks it’s one of the greatest songs ever made.

I’m not necessarily saying that “Africa” has been demoted or that “Lady in Red” will be my wedding song, but I think I may have just won his challenge to find a better love song than “Africa.”

We still would like to hear what you have to say. Leave a comment on your choice for a great wedding song.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Because Brown-Bagging at Your Cube Sucks

New friends,

So, Kevs and I were talking about lunch the other day. While we LOVE eating lunch, we can’t, for the life of us, figure out where to get a decent bite.

This is where you guys come in. We’re looking for a detailed list (excel format) of quality eating establishments in the surrounding area. Keep in mind the word “quality.” This isn’t just a sheet w/ a bunch of options; it’s a highlight reel of the greatest spots in each category (Sandwich place, Burger joint, Pizza parlor, Chinese, Japanese, Indian, Thai, etc). Obviously, this will require extensive research (Internet, interviews, trial-and-error, etc)… so, we’ll give you some time.

Unfortunately, this is a two part assignment. We’ll need one for the 919 third Avenue area and another for our soon-to-be new home (100 W 33rd Street).

Please contact us with any questions.

Good luck,

Steve

P.S. As this is an entirely inappropriate request, please feel free to decline.

That was the E-mail that Kristin, my cube neighbor, and I received upon returning from a meeting. It was from Steve, my “manager,” and Kevin, Kristin’s “manager.” Being a lover of food, I completely disregarded the “High Importance” client E-mails and revisions I had to pass on to creative, and I immediately responded with the following E-mail:

This is an entirely inappropriate request. However, I would be more than happy to partake in the action. Just note that there will be some caveats regarding my participation:

  • I am on an AAE salary, and I discarded my parents’ credit card last year. I am completely financially independent. I lack the necessary funds to buy lunch on a regular basis. Add my penchant for wasting money on late night Kentucky Fried Chicken and San Loco, and my liquidity further declines. The conclusion that can be drawn from these facts is that I don’t buy lunch often, so the list will be solely based on secondary and tertiary sources.
  • Each of you will buy me lunch upon completion of the list. This does not mean that we go to Wendy’s, purchase a Spicy Chicken Sandwich Meal with Diet Coke and split the cost. We will all go out to lunch together to an establishment of my choosing, and one of you will purchase my meal. This process will repeat itself once more for a grand total of 2 free meals for me.
  • I reserve the right to take as much time as I want. If I want to spend 3 months completing the list, then you will wait 3 months, and I will wait 3 months for each of you to purchase my free meals.

If you agree, then you will have a list sometime in the not-so-distant future.

Regards,

Carlo

Kevin immediately responds with the following E-mail:

Guys,

I applaud Carlo’s initiative on this request and his detailed feedback. Unfortunately, as this is a group assignment we (Doles and I) will assume the caveats provided are not in full until receipt of Kristin’s own unique conditions, unless of course this is consolidated feedback.

Please see our initial thoughts below in red.

Thanks in advance for your cooperation.

  • I am on an AAE salary, and I discarded my parents’ credit card last year. I am completely financially independent. I lack the necessary funds to buy lunch on a regular basis. Add my penchant for wasting money on late night Kentucky Fried Chicken and San Loco, and my liquidity further declines. The conclusion that can be drawn from these facts is that I don’t buy lunch often, so the list will be solely based on secondary and tertiary sources.

Although this is slightly disheartening to hear, it’s completely understandable. Feel free to err largely on the side of one-on-one interviews with co-workers and the World Wide Web. Additionally, you ought to collect our input whilst compiling your data.

  • Each of you will buy me lunch upon completion of the list. This does not mean that we go to Wendy’s, purchase a Spicy Chicken Sandwich Meal with Diet Coke and split the cost. We will all go out to lunch together to an establishment of my choosing, and one of you will purchase my meal. This process will repeat itself once more for a grand total of 2 free meals for me.

Agreed. But shouldn’t this be four lunches? (Please see the above comment regarding group effort.)

  • I reserve the right to take as much time as I want. If I want to spend 3 months completing the list, then you will wait 3 months, and I will wait 3 months for each of you to purchase my free meals.

As your research is based solely on secondary and tertiary sources, there should be no delay in completing this list. Furthermore, three months is entirely out of the question. We eat lunch every day, thus this list is critically important from a timing perspective. If you would like to better organize your efforts, consider the 919 Third Avenue portion of the request a priority.

There you have it. I am now charged with the task of creating 2 highlight reels of lunch establishments. I’m fairly certain I’m going to have to pursue this endeavor on my own as it took Kristin approximately 2 hours to respond. When she did respond, all she could formulate in what can barely be considered a response was, “I accept your challenge.” She even forgot to CC everyone, and only included Kevin on the initial E-mail. These are not the actions of someone who wants to compile luncheon highlight reels. It took me all of 5 minutes to draft my response.

Why am I sharing my correspondence with you? Because I need your help. I implore all of my loyal readers, all 50 of you, to help me with this list. I want you to spread the word about this post, particularly to New Yorkers.

I want feedback on restaurants, eateries, bodegas, cafes, rathskellers, street carts, etc. I want testimonials on places that must be visited as well as places that must be avoided. Where are the best deals? What places rip you off? What places make you smell horrible, but keep you coming back? I want you to give me review websites, ala citysearch.com or menupages.com that you like to view when it comes to choosing food. Anything goes.

Please keep in mind that I am focusing on 2 locations: the areas surrounding 1) 55th Street & 3rd Avenue and 2) 33rd Street and Broadway. If you didn’t catch it earlier, the reason there are 2 locations is because we are moving in 9-12 months. Remember, the 55th Street location is a priority.

If you don’t think I’m serious, consider that I’ve opened up an E-mail account just for feedback. You can respond to foodreel@gmail.com or my comments section. I’d like to complete this sooner rather than later, so please spread the word. I’ll post the list once it is completed, so you’ll also be able to use it. Together, we can set the standard in the world of highlight reels for food.