Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Bringing Home the Bacon

On most nights after work, I go to my grandparents’ restaurant to eat dinner. It has pretty much become my routine. I always sit at the same table in front of the TV and have a beer while I wait for my food. Tonight, they were showing a quarterfinal playoff game for the Philippine Basketball Association (PBA). I never actually watched before because I don’t really want to watch a league where they have height limits (because Asians are short) and limits on foreign players, which they naturally call imports. This time, I decided to watch because I noticed that the players on the team called Talk N Text were the same guys that worked out at my gym. These are the same annoying guys who are loud as hell and take up all the equipment for two hours. I wanted to see if their time at the gym was paying off.

After a few minutes of watching, I realized these guys looked just like a bunch of Asians playing a pick up game at the park or gym. It was totally stereotypical: short brown people in big baggy shorts and white headbands trying to pretend they’re NBA all-stars. If you’ve ever seen a bunch of Asians play a pick up game, then you know what I’m talking about. Eventually, I started to focus on the imports (i.e., black guys who don’t break the height limit of 6’6). You could tell these guys were ballers. The way they handled the ball, the way they shot, the way they drove to the basket; everything about their play showed that they played in the NCAA or NBA at some point.

I kept noticing one particular guy who seemed leaps and bounds better than everyone else. I kept thinking, “That guy looks really familiar.” Finally, he went to the free throw line and they showed his name and stats. I almost jumped out of my seat when I read “Darvin Ham – C” on the TV. Darvin “My Wife Breaks Glass Bottles Over My Head” Ham is a center—yes a center—in the PBA. My first thought was, “What the hell? Good ol’ Darvin Ham from Saginaw, MI couldn’t be a bench warmer on an NBA team?” I know he didn’t come here for the money, although his US dollars do carry a lot of weight around here. I did some research and the NBA minimum salary is determined by your number of years in the league. The PBA isn’t exactly dishing out blockbuster contracts but even if he had been the last guy on the bench, he could’ve made $1.035 million in the NBA because this would have been his ninth season in the league. He won an NBA title with the Pistons less than 2 years ago! He couldn’t have declined that much in skill. I guess that bottle to the head did more damage than we originally thought. Another funny thing about Darvin Ham playing in the PBA is that tonight was his debut in the league. This was the third game of a best of five series in the playoffs. I can’t be enthusiastic about a league that allows ringers to come in during the playoffs. Last thing about Darvin Ham has to do with one of the stat graphics they showed. Since this was his first night, the graphic said “Can Ham Bring Home the Bacon?” Unbelievable.

Side Note #1: Don’t think I’m not going to try and talk to Darvin Ham if I see him at the gym. I’m really hoping he starts working out with the team so that I can just yell “Deeeee-toit Baaasketbaaallll.”

Side Note #2: Do you think Darvin Ham divorced his wife before coming here? Do you think he stayed with her, but left her in the states so he could go hook up with Filipino girls—kind of like getting back at her for smashing glass over his head during the NBA Finals? He also could have stayed with her and dragged her here in order to get back at her. The possibilities are endless.

Until next time...

1 comment:

  1. My friends play on talk n dad said that they talked about darvin ham playing in the philippines on the news in saginaw. I think his momz is still the mayor of sag nasty. Keep us posted on his situation out there. Hopefully the $14 g's/ month he gets for playing out there can pay for his crib back in michigan. That's what the imports were making when I was out there...Holla!