Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Inaugural Showdown: Lauren Conrad vs. Jessica Smith

It seems that Clean Taco has taken the offensive and put forth an argument worthy of use in a Twenty-First Century Pop Culture 101 paper. If I were the professor in this fictional class, I would undoubtedly fail him. His paper would’ve been filled with red ink comments. He was tasked with “arguing that Jessica is the better character” (Chunky Salsa et al.), but in his opening paragraph states that he “doesn’t dislike LC.” I think that already warrants a loss. He can’t even fully back up Jessica.

I’m going to have to disagree with Clean Taco when he says that Jessica is the perfect girlfriend. There is a reason that Jason only stayed with Jessica for a few months, but is still supposedly going steady (sorry…had a Saved By The Bell flashback and needed to use old school phrase) with LC.

Jessica is a major pushover, and LC sticks up for herself. There isn’t much to be said about a girl who allows others to walk all over her. Sure she has huge breasts. That’s cool, but what else can she bring to a relationship? Who remembers that crazy argument in the limo with Jason after Winter Formal? I know I wouldn’t want to deal with that crazy biatch, not if all she can bring to the table is her rack and a community college degree.

Take a look at LC. The girl stuck up for herself after Jason made her look foolish during the fashion show (though not as foolish as Talan singing). LC keeps things interesting because of her tenacity. She isn’t willing to accept crap in life. That is why she now has her own show and gets to go to all the glamorous Hollywood events, and Jessica gets to go to White Trash Community College. Guys don’t want a pushover like Jessica. We want someone like LC that keeps things fresh. If you don’t think Jessica looks like she came from the trailer, check the picture in the upper left hand corner of this post.

I’m also going to have to discredit some aspects of the points system he set forth.

The Stephen Factor: This is reserved for a Kristin vs. LC discussion.

Knockers: I suppose I’m OK with that. Can anyone really compete with those double D’s?

House: LC lives in a hilltop mansion and Jessica lives in a trailer (figuratively speaking of course.)

Non-man shoulders: We know Clean Taco is a staunch Republican because he found the one picture to make his point valid and twisted the truth. I’m sure I could find pictures of man shoulders for every female on that show, especially Alex M. because she is fairly mannish.

Name: Touché my friend. Touché. Jessica is indeed my girlfriend’s name, so I cannot and will not put forth an argument as she has the same extremely attractive beauty and tenacity as LC.

Personality: I’m OK with this category; however, I score this one for LC.

Hotness: I’m OK with this category as well, but again I pick LC. If you have any doubts, please refer to the previously mentioned picture in the top left corner.

After removing the ludicrous (no doubt Clean Taco would've spelled it "ludacris") categories of The Stephen Factor and Non-man Shoulders from the equation, LC dramatically comes from behind to win a 3-2 decision. Clean Taco loses in life and on the web.

I would also like to address some of the criteria laid down by Chunk Salsa just to needlessly strengthen my case. Think of it as the mid-90s Florida Gators led by Steve Spurrier needlessly running up the score on a helpless South Carolina Gamecocks squad.

I think my grammatical structure is far superior to that of Clean Taco. His most glaring and obvious mistake is that he incorrectly used “effecting” instead of “affecting.” He should go to community college with Jessica.

Chunky Salsa…I think it was worth your time to google images of Jessica and LC because you got to see a large rack in Jessica and a beautiful female specimen in LC.

I included a specific show reference when I mentioned the limousine argument between Jessica and Jason.

Until next time…

1 comment:

  1. you trying to pull the minority vote with that republican comment? hahaha