Friday, December 30, 2005

Thursday Night at the Blackout Mecca

Editor’s Note: Read Chunky Salsa to see the stipulations for this blog-off.

Rick’s Jewish-American Café. Oh the memories…or lack thereof. Well, I guess there are a few things I can vaguely remember…

When my friend asked me which bar he should go to when he visited Ann Arbor, I directed him to Rick’s…although I told him that I was so blacked out every time I went there that I don’t remember whether that specific night was good.

Whenever I’d see my friends after Rick’s, a comment along the lines of, “Carlo…I saw you at Rick’s (insert # of days/weeks ago). You were so wasted. You couldn’t stand. (Insert person’s name) was holding you up,” wouldn’t be so uncommon.

There was also the night I thought I couldn’t find my jacket, so I “borrowed” two other jackets, only to find my jacket within ten seconds of “borrowing” those other jackets. This in turn caused a chain reaction of people “borrowing” other jackets.

I also remember drinking Bacardi & Cola heavily with Ben and heading to what we dubbed The Blackout Mecca (He called it the Mecca. I added Blackout to the title after I turned 21. We were such a creative force back in times of peace.), only to see him puss out and leave early (probably just a little after the stroke of midnight) without telling anyone.

Lastly, I remember going there on Thursdays to avoid the gargantuan underage line at Scorekeepers. This is why Thursday nights are better than Saturday nights. I mean seriously…the same people that went there on Thursday night were probably back there on Saturday night, with the diehards probably there on Wednesday night too. From my blurry recollection, I remember seeing the same hoed out girls and chachy (Or is it chochy? Does this word even really exist?) guys there both nights. I raise a toast to you, Thursday night.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Victory is Mine

I would like to start this blog by extending my deepest gratitude for all your votes in the inaugural blog-off. As I predicted, I easily destroyed Clean Taco. I captured 64% of the popular vote. I also want to address being called out for critiquing every point from Clean Taco and the resulting uniform posting time. I did tell Clean Taco that I wanted to post at the same time. I told him to be patient and wait, but he went and posted anyway. Since he was too excited and couldn’t keep his pen in his pants, I had to make him pay. If he disputes this fact, I have DeadAIM and our conversation was automatically logged. Don’t mess with The Dirty Burrito. Anyhow, from a suggestion by Rachelle, a new blog-off subject has been dished out by Chunky Salsa. This should be up around January 1 or 2.

I was on my way to see the DM9 JaymeSyfu office where I’ll be spending my next three months as a messenger boy and coffee-maker, and Coldplay’s latest song played on the radio. I thought it was a pretty catchy tune, but there was a part of me that wanted to hate it. There is just something about Coldplay that makes me want to dislike them. Maybe it’s Chris Martin naming his daughter Apple. I’m not really sure, but Coldplay remains one of those things in life I enjoy but absolutely despised just a few years ago. Their music is just so catchy.

Another musician that falls in the same category of enjoyable things that I used to dislike—Kelly Clarkson. She was an American Idol. I thought her career was going down the toilet after “A Moment Like This” and the box office sensation From Justin to Kelly. Unfortunately for me, she came out with Breakaway. With hits like “Since U Been Gone” and “Behind These Hazel Eyes” being played nonstop on the radio, it was hard not to notice her musical talent. I tip my figurative hat to you, Kelly Clarkson.

Reality TV is another thing in life that I thoroughly enjoy, but used to dislike. My significant other, who I will now label The S.O. because I think she has been mentioned in at least 3 blog entries, loved reality TV and I thought it was sick. But then, a little show called Laguna Beach: The Real O.C. entered my life. High school love triangles, beaches, excellent music, Kelly Clarkson tunes every other episode, and high school girls…errr, I mean 18 year old LEGAL high school girls. (Don’t jump on your high horse and pretend I’m some sick freak checking out high school girls. I know for a fact that every guy who watched this show held debates as to whether LC or Kristin was hotter in the first season, checked out Jessica’s boobs in the second season, and checked out every girl that wore a bikini. Ladies, I know many of you thought Jason and Talan were cute, and that you thought the guys from the third season are “hotties.”)This show changed my view on reality TV forever. I started watching anything reality, even a show about rich kids on a cattle drive. I started watching the Real World/Road Rules Challenge again. In an instant, I turned into the greatest proponent of reality television ever.

One last thing I’d like to mention before I break to collect my thoughts for the next showdown—the Miami Vice movie. Since I was between the ages of 1 and 6 when it aired, I’m not going to pretend that I watched the show in the 80s, though I do remember watching the opening credits. However, this preview does look sweet. At the very least, the movie is worth seeing for another butchering of an American accent by Colin Farrell…and his hair.

Until next time…

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Inaugural Showdown: Lauren Conrad vs. Jessica Smith

It seems that Clean Taco has taken the offensive and put forth an argument worthy of use in a Twenty-First Century Pop Culture 101 paper. If I were the professor in this fictional class, I would undoubtedly fail him. His paper would’ve been filled with red ink comments. He was tasked with “arguing that Jessica is the better character” (Chunky Salsa et al.), but in his opening paragraph states that he “doesn’t dislike LC.” I think that already warrants a loss. He can’t even fully back up Jessica.

I’m going to have to disagree with Clean Taco when he says that Jessica is the perfect girlfriend. There is a reason that Jason only stayed with Jessica for a few months, but is still supposedly going steady (sorry…had a Saved By The Bell flashback and needed to use old school phrase) with LC.

Jessica is a major pushover, and LC sticks up for herself. There isn’t much to be said about a girl who allows others to walk all over her. Sure she has huge breasts. That’s cool, but what else can she bring to a relationship? Who remembers that crazy argument in the limo with Jason after Winter Formal? I know I wouldn’t want to deal with that crazy biatch, not if all she can bring to the table is her rack and a community college degree.

Take a look at LC. The girl stuck up for herself after Jason made her look foolish during the fashion show (though not as foolish as Talan singing). LC keeps things interesting because of her tenacity. She isn’t willing to accept crap in life. That is why she now has her own show and gets to go to all the glamorous Hollywood events, and Jessica gets to go to White Trash Community College. Guys don’t want a pushover like Jessica. We want someone like LC that keeps things fresh. If you don’t think Jessica looks like she came from the trailer, check the picture in the upper left hand corner of this post.

I’m also going to have to discredit some aspects of the points system he set forth.

The Stephen Factor: This is reserved for a Kristin vs. LC discussion.

Knockers: I suppose I’m OK with that. Can anyone really compete with those double D’s?

House: LC lives in a hilltop mansion and Jessica lives in a trailer (figuratively speaking of course.)

Non-man shoulders: We know Clean Taco is a staunch Republican because he found the one picture to make his point valid and twisted the truth. I’m sure I could find pictures of man shoulders for every female on that show, especially Alex M. because she is fairly mannish.

Name: Touché my friend. Touché. Jessica is indeed my girlfriend’s name, so I cannot and will not put forth an argument as she has the same extremely attractive beauty and tenacity as LC.

Personality: I’m OK with this category; however, I score this one for LC.

Hotness: I’m OK with this category as well, but again I pick LC. If you have any doubts, please refer to the previously mentioned picture in the top left corner.

After removing the ludicrous (no doubt Clean Taco would've spelled it "ludacris") categories of The Stephen Factor and Non-man Shoulders from the equation, LC dramatically comes from behind to win a 3-2 decision. Clean Taco loses in life and on the web.

I would also like to address some of the criteria laid down by Chunk Salsa just to needlessly strengthen my case. Think of it as the mid-90s Florida Gators led by Steve Spurrier needlessly running up the score on a helpless South Carolina Gamecocks squad.

I think my grammatical structure is far superior to that of Clean Taco. His most glaring and obvious mistake is that he incorrectly used “effecting” instead of “affecting.” He should go to community college with Jessica.

Chunky Salsa…I think it was worth your time to google images of Jessica and LC because you got to see a large rack in Jessica and a beautiful female specimen in LC.

I included a specific show reference when I mentioned the limousine argument between Jessica and Jason.

Until next time…

Monday, December 19, 2005

The Competition

Laguna Beach is on hiatus, I have no clue when The Hills is going to air, and MTV Asia isn’t showing The Gauntlet II yet. Though this sounds like the apocalypse for The Dirty Burrito, a new challenge has come across my path: a blog-off. My friend Benjamin “I Have No Creativity And I Can Only Make Sister Jokes” Comstock has created The Clean Taco to rival mine. Furthermore, as a sign of his ineptness in the creative sphere, he named his blog “Clean Taco.” First of all, he didn’t put “The” in front of the name. This implies that there are other Clean Tacos that are far superior to his. Secondly, he couldn’t even incorporate any creative alliteration in his name like “Tidy Taco.” Lastly, I wouldn’t have picked such a weak Mexican food. If he really wanted to rival me, he would’ve picked a chimichanga, which is a deep fried burrito. It’s got some kick.

In the coming months, Ben and I will be sporadically facing off on random subjects. Some have been saying this will be like the Gauntlet III and have even compared me and Ben to Ruthie and Alton. Ben…you are NOT black. I also take offense to being compared to Ruthie as I am not a raging alcoholic. I don’t think The Gauntlet is an apt comparison since it is a team competition and this is a one-on-one match up. I see this more as Ali vs. Frazier, Bird vs. Magic, Borg vs. McEnroe, Cruise vs. Shields, and if the gods are gracious--Spears vs. Federline.

In the spirit of me naming things with “The”, such as The Dirty Burrito, The Corporation, The Island, and other things to come, I will dub this “The Competition.” The Competition will be moderated by Chunky Salsa, Jesse Missad, who will remain an unbiased mediator. He will take suggestions, set deadlines, and settle disputes.

The Competition commences this week with a Jessica vs. LC blog-off. Though Clean Taco likes LC, which I respect, he seems to have a special place in his heart for Jessica’s double D’s.

If you would like to check out the competition and moderator, check out:

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I'm Back

Hello again. I am providing a short update to let you know I arrived in the Philippines on Thursday evening. I sat next to some sketchy 49 year old white dude who led me to believe he was a doctor because he was starting a free clinic in the mountain regions. After some reluctant banter, he told me he was just a mechanic who hired the people that worked the clinic and was the provider of supplies. He also stared at me numerous times during the 18 hour trip, and I think he was watching me fill out my customs form as I had to refer to my passport for some information. I told my uncles the story and told them he was going to some region called Segada, and they proceeded to tell me that he is probably an addict because that place is rife with marijuana.

Anyhow, I will be going on a trip this weekend, and I will try to provide you with a more comprehensive update if there is wireless access. It is also looking like I may have to learn to drive around here. This means I'm probably going to get into an accident and/or get lost. Wish me luck. Also, when I go to Google, the language automatically reverts to Filipino...sweeeeet...I'm definitely returning with a pink mohawk and break dancing skills.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

In Limbo

According to Italian media reports on Tuesday, an international theological commission will advise Pope Benedict to eliminate the teaching about limbo from the Catholic catechism.

The Catholic Church teaches that babies who die before they can be baptized go to limbo, whose name comes from the Latin for “border” or “edge,” because they deserve neither heaven nor hell.

Last October, seven months before he died, Pope John Paul II asked the commission to come up with “a more coherent and enlightened way” of describing the fate of such innocents.

That excerpt was from the Reuters story out of the Vatican City. I did not even realize we had a place called limbo because my Catholic school teachers told me that babies who aren’t baptized automatically go to heaven. They also told me the Jews killed Jesus. (Those were not their exact words but they did say that Pontius Pilate and the Romans did not kill him, so it was either the Jews or perhaps the Germans or Stalin. Who knows?) In high school, they tried to force it down our throats that the death penalty is bad. I don’t believe in the death penalty, but let people have an opinion. You have to love Catholic school--great for brainwashing.

In recent years, particularly after I watched the movie Dogma, I have come to question many of the practices of my Catholic faith. Why do we raise money to build a new marble baptismal font when the current marble baptismal font looks great and we could give money to the poor? (I only give money directly to charities and not to the Church for this very reason.) There is the whole sexual abuse debacle, which I’m sure has been going on for centuries, but the issue only exploded recently. I always wondered what makes the Pope infallible. Supposedly, he follows in the footsteps of Peter as the rock upon which God builds the Church, but he is just a man. If G-Dub had been Catholic and taken a different path in life, he could’ve been Pope George I. He could have been infallible. He might have said that intelligent design is fact, and we Catholics would have had to accept that because he is infallible. (Side note: I read a good counter-argument to intelligent design on some humor website. Yeah, a humor website. But it was a good argument. If the world is so complex that a greater being had to have a hand in how things evolved, who created the greater being? Who created the creator of the greater being? This could go on forever, but a very good point to you crazy right wing conservative nuts.) Pope G-Dub I is quite scary if you think about it.

Back to the limbo issue. The whole concept of faith in a set of beliefs and doctrines is undermined if the authoritative body can just turn around and say “Yo, let’s not teach that limbo thing anymore. Let’s think of something else to explain where unbaptized babies go.” I’m not a theologic scholar, but this limbo thing sounds pretty much the same as purgatory. If the Catholic Church can change its mind on limbo, who is to stop them from saying “You know what? The idea of purgatory kind of sucks. Let’s scrap it and think of a new way to describe the purification of the soul after death.”

I found an interesting theory on purgatory in Chuck Klosterman’s Killing Yourself To Live: 85% Of A True Story (I’m only one-third of the way through, but it’s brilliant so far). Anyway, I bet they could take his theory of purgatory and apply it. “I’ve had a theory that life on earth is purgatory…It’s almost like we’re all Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense, but nobody on ‘earth’ has figured this out yet, even though it will suddenly seem obvious when we get to the end.” He thinks the amount of time you spend on earth is inversely proportional to how good you were in a previous life. “For example, infants who die from SIDS were actually great people when they were alive ‘for real,’ so they get to go to heaven after a mere five weeks in purgatory. Meanwhile, anyone Willard Scott ever congratulated for turning 102 was obviously a terrible individual who had many, many previous sins to pay for and had to spend a century in his or her unknown purgatory (even though the person seemed perfectly wholesome in this particular world).

I think it is an intriguing theory, but I think you’d really have to loathe your existence on this earth to truly accept it. Also, I just realized the Church can’t use this theory to teach purgatory because it conflicts with the fact that the “Kingdom of God” that Jesus mentions numerous times in the Gospels is actually earth—unless of course my Catholic school teachers were once again incorrect.

Until next time…