Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Stuck in Purgatory

I started writing a jogging journal for the finale, but I couldn’t ridicule all these kids while they cried about how much they’d miss one another and Laguna. I also couldn’t comment on any drama since it was essentially a farewell episode since there will be a completely new cast for Season 3. I decided I’d just enjoy the last episode with the originals and see what would come to me. I totally ended up on a tangent.

The conversation LC and Stephen had about her move to L.A. really hit a chord with me. She talked about how her previous move to San Francisco was horrible because she was so scared, freaked out and unexcited, but she says her move to L.A. will be different because she is really excited and ready for the opportunity. My move to Minneapolis was pretty much the same. I was a little scared, but who isn’t a little scared to start out on his/her own? I think I just lacked enthusiasm for the opportunity out there. I made some mistakes while I was there, and I feel like I’ve learned from them. I’m obviously not going to know whether I have until my next full-time job, but I do feel excited for what lies ahead. I relish the next opportunity, whatever it may be.

Kristin’s whole attitude about leaving Laguna was something to which I could relate. She couldn’t stop talking about how cool and exciting it was going to be when she finally leaves Laguna, but then the time actually came to leave and it wasn’t anything like she thought. I feel like this happens to me a lot in life. Expectations are rarely met. There is all this build up and idealized expectations, but when you finally attain something it feels empty. For example, I’m looking into buying a new digital camera. I’ve narrowed down my choices to 2-3 cameras based on style and price. I am now researching all the performance reviews. It is by no means a difficult task, but it does take time. I feel extremely excited to get this new camera, and I have all these ideas in my head about how I’m going to take all these awesome pictures to document my life. The problem is that deep down, I know it’s just a camera and I probably won’t use it half as much as I think I will.

Maybe this is where I fail. I worked so hard to get through school and get a decent paying job, but after graduation I couldn’t help but feel lost. I got what I had been working for all these years, but once it was in my hands I just didn’t feel enthusiasm. I felt like something was missing. I was missing my raison d’etre. What is my passion, my reason for being? What am I doing with my life? I thought college would help me find that something, but it only distracted me from finding it.

I feel like I’m stuck in a post-graduation purgatory. I’m not completely damned to the track of perpetual dead end jobs, but I’m also not on any heavenly career path. I’m just lingering in post-college unemployment, trying to find what drives me. I have a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in my AIM profile that goes, “None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.” I once had an elementary teacher lecture us on the difference between listening and hearing: listening is just hearing with action. I feel like I am hearing the whisper, but I’m not really listening. I have all these goals and aspirations, but I haven’t quite found that thing that drives me to go out and grab it.

To view my situation in another way, there is something good in never being satisfied. Reaching for that next better thing is a good motivator. I would probably end up living an uneventful life if I was satisfied with finding security and settling for that 3% pay increase every year. Maybe my expectations not being met is a necessary evil in life. I’ll always have something toward which I can work.

I apologize if you were expecting a Laguna Beach update because I was also. I sensed that many of you are going through the same frustrations as me, and you could probably relate. However, I will say that I am extremely excited about The Hills, so excited that I may have to cut short my return to The Island if the show starts before I get back. Well, I’ll do that or just watch MTV Overdrive.

Until next time…


  1. The Hills is going to be great! It's pretty much all scripted, though. I just found out Kristin lives with some of her friends from laguna beach out here in Marina Del Rey, which is just down the road from us. So, all that sobbing and blubbering was an act because those girls all live together now! One last thing, Kristin is supposed to be in a movie with Al Pacino! WTF? "Dude, I'm like totally like stoked! That is so gnarly!" Keep on writin' wit' yo' bad self! Holla!


  2. Carlo

    I was already researching the camera you have shown here. The cost of it is down to $305 on walmart.com (incl. tax and shipping).