The conversation LC and Stephen had about her move to
Kristin’s whole attitude about leaving Laguna was something to which I could relate. She couldn’t stop talking about how cool and exciting it was going to be when she finally leaves Laguna, but then the time actually came to leave and it wasn’t anything like she thought. I feel like this happens to me a lot in life. Expectations are rarely met. There is all this build up and idealized expectations, but when you finally attain something it feels empty. For example, I’m looking into buying a new digital camera. I’ve narrowed down my choices to 2-3 cameras based on style and price. I am now researching all the performance reviews. It is by no means a difficult task, but it does take time. I feel extremely excited to get this new camera, and I have all these ideas in my head about how I’m going to take all these awesome pictures to document my life. The problem is that deep down, I know it’s just a camera and I probably won’t use it half as much as I think I will.
Maybe this is where I fail. I worked so hard to get through school and get a decent paying job, but after graduation I couldn’t help but feel lost. I got what I had been working for all these years, but once it was in my hands I just didn’t feel enthusiasm. I felt like something was missing. I was missing my raison d’etre. What is my passion, my reason for being? What am I doing with my life? I thought college would help me find that something, but it only distracted me from finding it.
I feel like I’m stuck in a post-graduation purgatory. I’m not completely damned to the track of perpetual dead end jobs, but I’m also not on any heavenly career path. I’m just lingering in post-college unemployment, trying to find what drives me. I have a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson in my AIM profile that goes, “None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which is heard by him alone.” I once had an elementary teacher lecture us on the difference between listening and hearing: listening is just hearing with action. I feel like I am hearing the whisper, but I’m not really listening. I have all these goals and aspirations, but I haven’t quite found that thing that drives me to go out and grab it.
To view my situation in another way, there is something good in never being satisfied. Reaching for that next better thing is a good motivator. I would probably end up living an uneventful life if I was satisfied with finding security and settling for that 3% pay increase every year. Maybe my expectations not being met is a necessary evil in life. I’ll always have something toward which I can work.
I apologize if you were expecting a
Until next time…