Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Special Guest

I've decided to allow a good friend of mine to be a guest writer on this blog. We played on the Rochester Knights together, and I've known him for 10 years now. I'd trust him with my life, but I won't always trust what he has to write so I'll be serving as editor for any posts that he will sporadically send me. I was going to write more, but the E-mail he sent me on Tuesday morning at 2 AM that he wrote drunk and naked sums him up pretty well. I'll post it below in green in all its unedited glory. The passage below the E-mail in red is his first guest post.

Disclaimer: I, The Dirty Burrito, do not necessarily agree with any of the views stated by the Guest Writer. I simply edit out vulgarities and tie up loose ends to make the site work-appropriate for those of you that read my blog at work as a way to pass time. If I have anything to add or concur with some of the Guest Writer's views, then I will say so and make additions as I see necessary.

hey sanchez,
rough sketch, i wrote it at 1am naked for some reason. it might be a bit long, i dunno. look it
over and give me feedback. i can change carlo, i can make this work. also i feel it might be
important that you provide your own intro about me before people rea describing how i am. absent
minded, man whore, maybe just facts about how our relationship works. my other request is that you
remove my name from the before blog as some of my comments may become a bit offensive. for those
who know me already its fine, cuz they know its all in good fun. but id rather not make a name for
myself in cyberspace as the guy who has a list of the top 3 places he would bomb given the
opportunity (Boston, Jamba Juice, Texas). with all my love

Hello to all you Dirty Burrito lovers. I sat for many days (actually just two minutes while my Sublime song was downloading) thinking of a self-proclaimed nickname along the lines of The Dirty Burrito. The best I could come up with was The Spaghetti Stain, mainly because I am a dirty Dago and while Carlo is “the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's really hoping makes it happen.” I’m more “like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from.” Not just that, but I am, much like a stain, very sloppy. I lack the necessary spelling and grammar skills for people to even believe I will soon be a Northwestern graduate. But the whole thing is pretty lame so you can just call me what you choose. However, this all leads me to the realization of Carlo’s biggest mistake on this blog: representation without explanation. I feel it is my duty to briefly explain the origins of “The Dirty Burrito.” Carlo is Filipino but looks very similar to our wonderful neighbors to the south, to whom we can give our thanks for Chipotle. (Why doesn’t this place stay open later? Why don’t they deliver? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve stumbled home drunk with steak burrito on my mind. Even the $1.35 for guac seems justifiable at that point). When introducing Carlo to people, many mistake him for a Mexican and call him Carlos. Ah the joy of stereotyping. From there the sky was the limit; stereotypical and ignorant, yet funny names poured in: Carlos Delgado, Burrito Sanchez, Carlos Mahoya Vadeho Pepe Gonzales, until eventually The Dirty Burrito set in (compliments to the incomparable Ben Walker). There you have it. Nothing spectacular, just a running gag among good friends and plenty of booze.

As far as my reason for existence on this blog, I’m not really sure why I’m here. I guess I come up with a lot of different views on many of subjects that Carlo(s) feels the masses must hear. At times I may be funny, and some days I may just be incoherent. Through all this, it is my hope that no matter what I write about, I’ll inspire some sort of feeling from the reader. For many of you it may be anger which I elicit, which I strongly welcome and encourage heated responses. I do have two cardinal rules. While trying to refute my statements, don’t make stabs at my poor grammar in an attempt to dumb me down. I honestly don’t care about taking the time to establish proper punctuation, so long as my message gets through. Also, do not try to slam me for misquoting random tangents such as what Crew Jones said to his sister before the big race in RAD. That’s how it sounded in my mind so just leave it be. Writings like these are not meant to be looked over. You either get it or you don’t. Other than that, I truly hope you enjoy what I have to say, and I welcome any new ideas or possible discussion concepts.

Introductions aside, here are three entirely different thoughts. First, an idea for a business I’ve been tinkering with for quite some time. Legal ramifications aside, a drunk go-carting bar. Picture it. No seriously, picture it. Who wouldn’t want to go here? You could have leagues every night with different drunk classes (instead of weight classes). So like the light weights, you have to blow at least a .005 to get in the car, to the heavyweights, a .02. And so on. You could have records for fastest/slowest laps, most times hitting/not hitting the walls, and longest time going backwards without realizing it. There would be ways to regulate this as well. For example, anyone above a certain limit couldn’t race, DD’s would have to be present, and slowing the carts down the higher the drink class. I can’t imagine a greater night out. We would have a bar and restaurant in the track circle with live music and announcers. There could be different themes, like relay races where you have to stumble out of your cart for the next person to get in or drink a beer every lap. Someone needs to pick this up and run with it

Second, many people have told me money can’t buy you happiness. I’m a financially stable individual. I’d also consider myself a very happy person, but I sure as hell would be a lot happier if someone were to give me 500 bucks. Just think about how happy you are come winter when you put on your ski jacket for the first time, open up one of the fifteen zippers and find a 10 dollar bill. Now multiply that feeling by many times over. Money can buy you happiness, both temporarily (the new Crunch Wrap Supreme) and permanently (24 inch rims are forever). And if money can’t buy you happiness, you must have prior pressing issues that would cause you despair regardless of your financial situation.

Finally, I shall leave you with an open ended question that I’d like some feedback on. Why am I more attracted to Scarlett Johansson because of her slightly mannish voice? Does this make me gay, or could her voice just pass off as being unique?

Hear from you all soon.

I hope you all enjoyed The Spaghetti Stain. He'll be around a couple times a month. Let me know what you think about him. I have the power to get rid of him, but I won't get rid of him because he is my friend. I'll just make him change his content and subject matter, so your comments are very important.

I did agree with his comments on Scarlett Johansson. I never found her all that attractive until I watched Lost in Translation, which immediately made it into my Top 20 movies. I would also like to add that it wasn't just her that made the movie enjoyable. Bill Murray was extremely entertaining and the movie was very well written. Anyway, back to Scarlett. I do find her slightly deep voice very attractive. I think it's unique. I also recommend In Good Company. Great performances all around in that movie.

I now have some rantings of my own. Today at The Corporation, we veered away from our morning lesson into questions regarding career path, pay, benefits, and vacation time. I'd say we used up about 30 minutes of class time and about 20 questions were asked. Before each and every question (literally EVERY question), the person asking would preface the question with some phrase along the lines of "kinda a random question but like", "this is kinda off the subject but like", "this is kinda off topic but like", or "another weird question but like". This is gonna sound kinda bitchy but like why must people preface their questions with phrases like these? Does it serve a purpose? We're all smart people. We graduated from college and got jobs. I'm sure we'll be able to figure out whether your question is kinda random, kinda off the subject, or kinda off topic.

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