See Ya, NYC

I wrote a post entitled "My First New York" almost three years ago. It was inspired by a New York magazine feature about transplants and their first experiences in this city.

What is most striking to me about this post is how long ago I wrote it. I honestly feel like I just posted that entry a few months ago. It's actually been almost three years since I posted it, meaning I've lived in NYC for almost six years, which is four years longer than I initially intended to live here. Time really does fly when you're having fun... Or, it could be from working too hard and drinking too much.

In any case, this is most likely my last entry as a NYC resident. I don't think it's possible to write a "My Last New York" entry because that seems stupid, but maybe I'll indulge you with another story from my early days here.

That first autumn I lived here, I was renting a windowless bedroom at 441 East 9th Street. It was a classic "first" NYC apartment. I found it on Craigslist and lived with two other random people who I rarely ever saw. I hated seeing the female roommate because she was weird, and I suspected she was the cause of the apartment's strange scent. Because my room was windowless, it actually stayed pretty much the same temperature no matter what the weather was like outside. I didn't even need a comforter until after I moved out. The downside was I'd wake up and never know what time of the day it was. The bathroom was arranged in such a way that if you sat down on the toilet, my knees were basically touching the sink. Despite all of this, I wasn't complaining. I was living in the heart of the East Village for the grand price of $800 per month, including all utilities!

Anyway, that same autumn, Roommate #2 had just moved to the city to start law school at NYU. We were interested in going out somewhere we'd never visited before. We decided to venture to a faraway land called Williamsburg. I remember that it was the exact same night the Tigers lost the World Series to the Cardinals because I was considering not going out. I was too bummed that the Tigers just got swept, but he talked me into keeping our plans. We had already been emailing each other all day with potential bars to visit. We Googled all the hottest Williamsburg recommendations, and he bought a Williamsburg version of the NFT. (Laugh all you want, but this was before Yelp, before we had smartphones and before we knew anyone that lived in Williamsburg.) Plus, everyone we had tried to corral into going with us flaked. Apparently, going to Williamsburg is "too far."

We pressed on with our trip, making stops at Pete's Candy Store, Royal Oak and Union Pool. We met our first real hipsters at Pete's, drank our first $5 pony beer+whiskey shot combo at Royal Oak and had no idea how we even got to Union Pool (there was an outdoor back section?!). In between stops, we hid in dimly lit corners to look at our Williamsburg NFT. We had no idea how to get around the neighborhood, and we were too ashamed to let people see us looking at the NFT for recommendations and directions. Those Brooklyn hipsters are intimidating.

In the end, we had an amazing time and got amazingly intoxicated. Despite praising all that the neighborhood had to offer to my Manhattan friends, they just responded with a skeptical glare and an expression that screamed, "as if." I would come to find that this is not an uncommon reaction when trying to spout the benefits of hanging out -- for real, and not ironically -- in Williamsburg.

Rapping Up the Week

It's the end of the first work week of 2012, and I haven't posted in quite some time. I figured sharing some light-hearted banter between me & my friend, Milan, would be amusing on this Friday.

Here is the unedited transcript of our conversation from last year. I realize this may not be one of the most intelligent things I've ever posted here, but just roll with me. There's a great theme, possibly even inspiration for some sort of drinking game.

Milan: yeah, well I'm sure we can meet for lunch or dinner or dancing
The Dirty Burrito: mos def
M: good usage with a double meaning of rapper's name
TDB: he's the easiest one
M: or should I say your usage of rapper's name is fabulus
TDB: Fabolous
your misspelling was Ludacris
M: saying Fabolous and Ludacris is kinda a tongue Twista
TDB: YOU WIN
i can't top that
M: yes you can
TDB: i can't
it's 4:30
my mind is gone
M: you just have to use the right Method man, roll your tongue off the back of your teeth
TDB: Now my face is all red man, from you embarrassing me
M: You Dirty Ole Bastard, your face is red because you're thinkin about your gf
TDB: Are you Pharrell? You just messed up Ol' Dirty Bastard's name!
M: I got excited and typed it backwards because I just found a deal on the internet. The new Justin Bieber CD for only 50 Cent
TDB: What do you think is Bieber's favorite Eminem color?
M: I heard he isn't into candy. He only likes cold treats, he eats one ice cube at a time.
TDB: Makes sense. He's cold as ice. He rose up through the ranks and certainly knows how to play The Game

I won't hold it against you if you decide never to return to The Dirty Burrito. Happy weekend!

I Heart Kelly Kapowski

A couple of weeks ago, there was an article going around called "10 Things 90s Kids Will Have to Explain To Their Children." I opened it with great expectations, but for the most part it let me down.

It may be because I'm on the older side for 90s children, but I don't recall people liking Clarissa Explains It All or my friends playing with Tamagotchis or ever caring about Fern Gully. If I were to write about a collector's fad that sapped my parents of money, I would've written about Pogs, not Beanie Babies.

I was particularly disappointed in her first point regarding Topanga and Boy Meets World:

1. Topanga was at some point in human history considered not only a legitimate first name for a human being, but the kind of name that would inspire in malleable teenage boys a life-long infatuation. Topanga, in our day, was leading lady name-material Topanaga (pronounced Tah-payne-ga, for those who will have only seen in it written down) is the name of the quintessential girl-next-door who will live, along with Feeney, in our hearts forever. 

I took issue with this passage because Topanga was most certainly not the quintessential 90s girl-next-door. That title easily goes to Kelly Kapowski.

If my kids ever ask me about my youthful crush, Topanga wouldn't even cross my mind. I'm not sure why the article said she inspired a life-long infatuation within teenage boys. Nobody wanted Topanga. Let's not forget that in the early episodes of Boy Meets World, Topanga was a weirdo. I understand she became more normal & slightly more attractive as the series went on, but in no way did she ever make it into any conversations about "hot chicks on TV." Even Alex Mack was cuter than her.

Kelly Kapowski, on the other hand, was a well-rounded member of the community. On top of being quite the hottie, she was a cheerleader, a member of Hot Sundae, a waitress at The Max and a caring big sister to a ton of other siblings created by her seemingly anti-contraception parents. Kelly Kapowski is the quintessential 90s girl-next-door. And if you don't believe me, trust in the Biebs.

College Words of Wisdom

In August 2001, I was having dinner at T.G.I.F. (those Black Angus burgers were solid) with some high school friends. Most of us were moving to Ann Arbor to start school at the University of Michigan in about a week. It was a last gathering of sorts. We happened to strike up some decent conversation with the waitresses, who told us about a party nearby. I don't recall if the waitresses were attractive, but I do remember hearing the words "free beer."

We showed up to the house party and saw a bunch of 25-year-olds partying. Picture the house party in Superbad, but with people in their mid-twenties bonging beers & playing drinking games. We surveyed the scene & commented with disgust at how immature these people were. "How lame," we thought. "They're in their mid-twenties. Shouldn't these people be a little bit more mature instead of getting shitfaced on a Sunday night? Don't they have jobs? College is over..."

Fast-forward exactly seven years later to August 2008, about a week before my 25th birthday. I had organized & hosted The Beer Olympics. We had a planning committee, created a PowerPoint presentation & produced official t-shirts. I even declared myself "Master of Ceremonies" and led a (tiki) torch-lighting ceremony. We drank copious amounts of beer and were so loud that the restaurant next door to my apartment would no longer seat people in their garden. After the event, we scampered around the East Village at 10pm looking like this.

Oh, the irony. Our naivete was laughable.

Now, fast-forward ten years from that house party. The Little Taquito, my youngest sister, is in the midst of her own welcome week and officially starts college classes this Wednesday. Just the idea of "ten years" makes me feel old, but consider these other things:

- I turn 28 on Wednesday and have nothing good to look forward to, other than the fact that I get a 4-day weekend for Labor Day. Ten years ago, I was excited to be able to legally buy cigarettes & porn, and I had welcome week and the rest of my college experience. The world was mine for the taking.
- The 2011 VMAs just aired, and I didn't know 80% of the people on there. They had a tribute to Britney Spears, in honor of her winning the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award. Ten years ago MJ was still alive, and Britney was still a hot teenager. (And for fun, read this recap of the 2001 VMAs. Fatboy Slim & *NSYNC (*NSYNC!!!) were the top winners. People actually could tell you who Chris Kirkpatrick was.)

As my sister embarks on her own journey, I figured I'd give her some advice:

- Don't major in Economics. It's useless. The entire degree is not Pareto efficient and provides me with zero utility. In fact, I would consider it deadweight loss.
- Beware of the male Women's Studies major. Always question his motives.
- If you major in Women's Studies, Art History or Philosophy, I'll pull you out of college myself.
- Join a bunch of clubs that interest you. But not the foosball club. That did not get me anywhere socially, and I did not become good at foosball.
- Welcome Week is the best time of the year. It's so awesome that I decided to relive it two years ago. Just don't get a UIP while on probation for an MIP, like me.
- Don't lose your phone. Our brother, El Burrito Grande, lost his phone no less than two times during college. Due to today's high prices, you'll be relegated to a Motorola Razr if you lose your Android device.
- You probably shouldn't join a sorority. Just make friends with a bunch of girls in a sorority, have them invite you to live with them in their unofficial off-campus house and drink all of their alcohol & rage in their parties. Just a warning -- you still may get hazed.
- Should you decide to join a sorority, don't join the Asian, or perhaps I should say AZN, sorority. If you join a regular sorority that just happens to have a lot of Asians and is known as "the Asian sorority," I guess that's OK. But you don't need a sorority for that. Just go to the library if you want Asian friends. For you Michigan folks, just go to the Fishbowl.
- If you join a sorority and you decide to wear sweat pants with Greek letters on the buttocks, you will cease to exist. Even if you don't join a sorority and you wear sweat pants with anything on the buttocks area, you will cease to exist.
- Friends who visit from other colleges will never have as good of a time as you promise and vice versa. Don't worry about it. That's just the way it is.
- Jimmy John's is shit.
- I encourage rope lights & liquor bottles filled with highlighter fluid (on which you shine a black light) as decorations for your dorm room. Reminiscing about your crappy dorm room decor is one of the great joys of post-college life.
- Winamp is the bomb music player. It has thousands of skins from which to choose, so you can accurately reflect your personality and current tastes.

Shut Up, Cleveland

I wanted the axis of evil to win the NBA championship. I know I'm in the minority here, but three of the best players in the world joined forces to win an NBA title, and I really wanted to see if they could pull it off. (Yes I'm including Chris Bosh even though everyone likes to poop on him. I don't know much about basketball, but based on what I saw and the stat sheet, he seemed to justify his place.) 

With that said, I still thought it was pretty cool that the Mavs, Dirk, Kidd, Cuban, et. al. got their title. They were the much better team, and they earned it. I'm a Pistons fan, so in the end I didn't really care that much.

However, what's really bugging me are the Cleveland fans & Dan Gilbert. They can't shut up about Lebron losing. They're like an annoying ex-girlfriend who just won't let go. I get that The Decision sucked and lacked class, and they had every right to bitch about the way it went down because it was wrong and tasteless (especially that idiotic "Welcome to Miami" pre-season celebration). But it's over now, and they need to deal with it. I wish they would just shut up. They might start seriously challenging Boston fans & Lakers fans for the title of "Most Annoying Fans" if they keep it up.

Old School is Better than The Hangover

Back in 2003, Roommate #2 was telling me about a trailer he saw for a movie about a bunch of grown-ups who go back to college and start a fraternity. My first reaction: "that sounds stupid."

A few weeks later while watching another movie, I actually saw the trailer myself and had a complete reversal of opinion. I couldn't wait until this movie came out. As we now know, Old School was far from stupid and unbelievably funny.

Old School was released in February of that year, but the staying power of the film was tremendous, due in no small part to the plethora of hilarious moments, memorable music and great performances.

The Hilarity

I recommend you stop being such a faggot. (Totally came out of nowhere. So unexpected and well-delivered, it was hilarious.)

I'm here for the gangbang. (Another out-of-the-blue moment. The look of the guy and delivery were great.)
I told my wife I wouldn't drink tonight. Besides, I got a big day tomorrow... Well, um, actually a pretty nice little Saturday. We're going to Home Depot. Yeah, buy some wallpaper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath & Beyond. I don't know. I don't know if we'll have enough time. (I think all guys should consider this when deciding whether to get married.)
It's so good. Once it hits your lips. It's so good. (So true, and still quoted.)
Honey, you think KFC is still open? (Don't we all wish?)
You're my boy, Blue! (R.I.P.)

The Music
The movie brought some classics back to life, and even paved the way for The Dan Band to make appearances at wedding scenes in other similar movies, such as Wedding Crashers and The Hangover.
Total Eclipse of the Heart - Bonnie Tyler (as performed by The Dan Band)
Dust in the Wind - Kansas (as performed by Will Ferrell)
Here I Go Again - White Snake

The Characters
Frank the Tank (With all much due respect to Zoolander, this was Will Ferrell's first major hit and paved the way for his string of major movie successes.)
The Godfather (Totally made up for Legally Blonde, and also cemented Luke's status as the better Wilson brother.)
Vince Vaughn (Going to his strengths and reminding everyone of why we loved Swingers so much.)
Elisha Cuthbert (She was in her prime and riding the success of 24.)
Dean Gordon (Cheeee-eeeese. Entourage hadn't debuted yet, but this definitely set the stage for us hating Jeremy Piven.)
Craig Kilborn (Played the jackass to perfection. I'm still wishing he'll return to SportsCenter.)
Ellen Pompeo (She was actually cute and likeable here, before she became whiny and annoying on that horrible show-that-shall-not-be-named.)
Seann William Scott (Showing there is life beyond American Pie.)
Snoopaloop (His greatest role since the cripple on Training Day.)
Red Dragon (I know it was just a car, but to its credit it wasn't exactly street-legal.)

So, why am I getting so nostalgic about this movie? Because everyone is getting moist over The Hangover 2. Don't get me wrong; The Hangover was a very funny movie. I'll give credit where credit is due, but The Hangover 2 seems to be the exact same plot. Not only were they too lazy to come up with a new plot, they were too lazy to even come up with a new way to do a sequel. They totally aped the way to do a sequel from The Karate Kid: take the exact same movie, move it from the western US to Asia, and have a white guy get yellow fever and fall in love with an Asian girl.

I just want to make sure Old School gets the proper credit it deserves for laying the groundwork for all of these raunchy buddy comedies for this century. The granddaddy of them all is probably Animal House, and there were a lot of good movies after that. However, Old School propelled careers and a comedy-movie genre.

With that said, I'm probably going to see The Hangover 2. I'm sure I'll get some good laughs. Plus, Jamie Chung is in it.